today is mary’s birthday shes 24

mary and bekka

born to ohio riverboat captains, mary moved to california on an ice skating scholarship.

the claremont colleges werent a good fit for the outgoing blonde (seen here “studying” with xbi marine agent bekka) so she jumped ship and started a career in human resources where she excelled.

one thing led to another and mary is now in venice where she can be seen walking her dog along abbott kinney in a floppy hat

and smiling and smiling and smiling.

mary is one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. she might not even be from ohio, she may just say that to make you feel better.

in a past life she was probably a night nurse who would hold you in her arms and whisper sweet everythings to you as you floated back into your medicinal haze.

what are her goals in life? to marry the richest man west of Lincoln and only wear high heels and g-strings.

ive never seen mary work out but she maintains a miraculous shape for someone who eats as much gelato as she does.

she has a beautiful apartment and a terrible stereo system with one john mayer cd.

she doesnt even know the name of it.

so would-be suitors: bring your own boombox, but not booze as todays birthday girl is a teetotaler, as are all her closest friends.

they may all be from another land. like pennsylvania.

weirdly it was a really tough weekend

10694947_10152665945373057_1399432498_ndrove and drove and drove.

uber has figured out how to take most of the profit away from the drivers while making themselves billionaires.

i guess thats the american dream?

pretty girls flirted with me. people told me secrets. and if someone overheard a conversation i had they woulda sworn someone proposed to me and i said yes.

you should never dare me, america. im sorta down for whatever.

growing up where i did, truth or dare was an olympic sport. there was no shame, nor should there be. truth? nothing in here is true? dare? what can you dare a former xbi agent to do that life hasnt already run us through four five times before we were 23?

within the same hour two wonderful young ladies admitted their secret shames to me. talk about the stars aligning. its interesting how other peoples secrets that haunt them often dont mean anything alarming to me.

like if boy george finally came out to his parents. wouldnt his parents say, do you think we didnt know?

thats what i said, twice, because i have not read the book about what to say after someone pours their heart out to you. other than the truth: its no big deal, bb. is there anything else you want to reveal? no? that was really it? thats whats eating at you? you didnt kill anyone? youre not really a man? you didnt secretly poison puppies at the pound?

we are all gonna die and st. peter is gonna be at the pearly gates and now joan rivers is gonna be there too and peter is gonna have a long list of things we did that were super bad and joan is gonna ask why we wore what we wore when we did it.

and hopefully they will feel about our sins the way i feel about yours: those are all normal stumbles on this dark cobblestone path called life.

your heart meant well and you did what you thought was the right move at the right time.

no go in peace, nirvana is tuning up in the secret spot.