nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, October 31, 2014
  2. bree was all, what should i be? i said, how about Nikki Sixx from the Crüe? 

    nikki sixxshe was all, omg thats a perfect idea.

    a few hours later she said well i have everything down perfect except for the wig

    i said show me what youve got.

    a few hours later she sent me this and i was all, omg you nailed it.

    which brings me to reason number 2347895347890 i wish babes would stop having sex with EDM djs: no one is gonna dress up like Flying Lotus in 20 years

    or Swedish House Mafia

    or Skrillex.

    Maybe that dude with the mickey mouse ears but only if he was looking to get beat up.

    rock n roll, especially hair metal, has it all: the guitar solos, the crazy outfits, and the hair so killer you cant even get a wig that matches it.

    do i play EDM in my Uber?

    who asked you!??!?!

    last night the cats and i watched Lone Survivor.

    as Marky Mark’s comrades kept getting shot i turned to the cats and said

    i guess he’s gonna be the Lone Survivor.

    then a big boulder rolled down the hill smashing a whole bunch of them and i was all

    Lone Survivor

    then when things were getting super hairy i was all, Marky Mark can’t die because the film is called Lone


    when i looked down they were alseep

    so unimpressed with me or the film.

    the one thing they will love about Halloween will be the candy corn.

    they wont eat them, they will kick them around like soccer balls.

  3. Wednesday, October 29, 2014

    the kittens have free reign of my home, except for my bedroom 

    ariana grande

    at first i did that because they had fleas, but now that they are flea-free i keep them out just in case.

    it’s bad enough for the women in my life that im in the bed, they sure as hell dont deserve fleas.

    anyways last night in the middle of the night i heard the door open and then the kittens jumped into my bed.

    please dont turn us into eunuchs they begged and cuddled up with me.

    i picked them up in the dark and tossed them into the hallway. then took a leak and wondered how they figured out my deadbolt.

    as i tried to get back to sleep i heard them scratching under the crack in the door

    and then trying to bulldoze the door open.

    but i sleep like a rock so soon i was back to the black movie screen called tonys dreamland.

    when i woke up at 6:30am i showered got dressed and put them into their travel crate: which was more difficult than normal because i swear these animals KNEW what was going to happen.

    i took one of the plastic newspaper bags that wrapped the morning paper and i swung it above them

    they love jumping for plastic bags. and i tossed it into the crate and one followed it in there and the second one was easier to trap.

    and we drove to echo park. led zep was playing in the vet’s joint, which made me feel better.

    and after paying $269 for Michael and $169 for Prince,

    they will no longer be able to procreate.

    i dont care if they hate me. i can take it.

  4. Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    this is prince, he’s gonna get his balls cut off tomorrow 


    ive never been responsible for doing that to a living creature before

    so i’m giving him a little special attention tonight.

    sad thing is i had to take food away from he and his sister michael and theyre both sniffing around

    seeing if somewhere theres some damn food.

    shes getting her tubes tied tomorrow.

    population control is super important, but when it comes down to it you’re still changing someones life.

    prince is my favorite. he sits outside of my door.

    any time i come home he runs toward me.

    he’ll sleep on my arm as i watch tv on the couch.

    trusts my every move.

    his sister is an actual cat.

    shes gonna hate me even more when she figures out what happened.

  5. theres a lot to hate about the St. Louis Cardinals 

    nice touch cardinals

    they win too much
    they fired harry caray
    they stole Lou Brock from us
    and of course many of their fans are racist
    well some of them.
    (although not my friends from blogger/twitter/LA Times)

    but tonight they did something not terrible.

    On Sunday their top prospect, Oscar Taveras, a right fielder, died in a car crash near his home in the Dominican Republic.

    He was just 22.

    So tonight in Busch Stadium they turned on the lights in right field.

    slow clap

  6. the irony in this statement is ironic 

    cameron diaz something about mary

    “I remember seeing There’s Something About Mary in the theaters when I was in my 20s, and there’s Cameron Diaz, who looks like Cameron Diaz, but she’s also a doctor, and she also loooves hamburgers, and she starts out playing golf in the morning, and all she wants from a man is a guy who wants to take her to a football game, and she wants to eat hot dogs and drink real beer. Real beer! And I thought, Wow, that’s a cool girl! And then I thought, Oh, right. She’s been invented by guys.”

    – Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl
    via vulture

  7. Monday, October 27, 2014