you know how many good times ive had in canada?
ive partied with rock stars, wooed by locals, been escorted to rippers
kids even asked me to pose for photos and give them my autograph
we wont even talk about the trouble this 17-18 year old ashley wanted after she stole my cap
what is it with people who wanna steal my caps?
anyways ive had a blast there. the people are sweet. the beers are delicious.
the cold weather doesnt even seem all that cold and people dont even dress like it’s cold.
the food? mama mia. the food. you know i love the food.
every time ive been there it was a funner weirder excursion than the next.
did i tell you the time i was in a hot tub with lesbians on new years eve and it began to snow?
i wanted to stay there forever.
im so thankful for you canada.
im glad mexico isnt our hat.
some will try to strangle you or play with your eyes or steal your cap
some will barf in the barf bag you hand them when you see them in your rearview, and then they’ll spill the bag on the floor
some will ask you how old you are and you say 14 and they’ll say nooooo so you say your real age and they’ll say NOOOOOO
some will try to take you into their house and you’ll be all baby it’s Surging out there!
some will make you wait forever as they do anything else except leave the club to get the Uber they asked for 20 minutes ago
some will ask you to go through the drive thru after a wedding at the beverly hills country club and not even offer to get you two tacos for 99 cents
some will refuse to give you the address or name of the restaurant theyre headed to instead insisting on giving you directions but then they’ll space out while texting and miss turns like crazy
some will ask you how much money you make some will ask you to turn down the radio some will ask you to crank it.
some will get in the car after youve cleaned it of vomit and say omg it smells like oranges in here!
and you’ll say it does
i mean yes IT DOES!