nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 27, 2014

    still only a buck 

    still only one buck jay cutler

    took the cats to the vet yesterday after the bears lost and you know how they put animals to sleep when they’re old?

    thats what i wanted them to do to me after my team fell to last place in the nfc norris

    this isnt supposed to happen to anyone but the Cubs.

    and the reason why i believe you should never pay a quarterback more than a few million bucks

    until he gives you a ring.

    pretty boy jay is making $127 million over seven years. and he’s terrible.

    was terrible before they gave him the dough ray me but he’s handsome and tall

    and looks like the type of guy who should be a gazillionaire.

    so he got it.

    i dress like a bum so guess what i’ll never make that sorta money which is fine.

    when youre hungry you produce things. you hustle. you cant afford to be lazy and horrid.

    my tv works now as does my internet but sometimes i wish i was still in the dark ages.

  2. Sunday, October 26, 2014

    after awhile you know whats going on 

    tumblr_ncgricQjyS1socxyho1_500theres an intuition, a confidence.

    theres no need to be cocky about it. thats for the sucker mcs.

    but in your heart you know before you do it how its gonna turn out and as it unfolds you really cant blame anyone but yourself when it plays out the way you always knew it would.

    it was about 1:20am. it wasnt surging yet in DTLA but i knew it would in about 15 minutes.

    i was parked on 7th street near Broadway and if i was a smoker i woulda hopped out of the car, found a friendly nook in a building to lean against and burned my fag.

    instead i failed at the game of Patience, turned on the app and got dinged over by the Arts district. instead of refusing it to wait for the rates to double, i thought, you know, it’ll probably be a short ride to the other part of DTLA and you’ll be perfectly situated for bars to close.

    but a part of me said, it’s not worth it for a $5-$10 ride.

    it took 11 minutes to get there and then they made me wait for 5 minutes. all of it was torture.

    you dont really Uber *for* the money, but there are certain times of the night where you can easily make $80-$100 in one ride. if you’re patient: and lucky. i was neither. i could have canceled the ride after five minutes but i was already way over there in the arts district and i didnt wanna be the reason someone hated uber.

    of course we had to drive all the way to hollywood. of course then the guy wanted his friends to get dropped off first and then he wanted to go to silver lake.

    misery misery misery as he just texted and tweeted the whole time as we drove cheap miles eating away at the clock.

    and i reminded myself no one was gonna get rich with uber except the founders and the pre-ipo stock holders. just enjoy the yeah yeah yeahs playing on sirius.

    finally dropped him off and saw DTLA was surging at 4x the rate and i said never again. and suffered.

  3. Saturday, October 25, 2014

    the role of a journalist is to do things and go places 

    katie bain and bwhere most people dont get to go

    and talk to people that most people arent able to talk to

    and afterwards you tell your brothers and sisters what you saw and learned.

    i find it ironic that many of my friends who are (or were) professional journalists

    don’t readily blog or do their role despite the fact that they travel and talk with some of the coolest people in the world.

    fortunately katie bain is the exception to the rule. the other day she went into the woods and listened to that music the kids are all koo koo about and when it was over she omg came home and wrote it down.

    here’s an excerpt:

    The concept at this camp is simple and completely fucking genius. You arrive, take off all of your clothes, get inside a huge shower with a bunch of other people, get wet under the shower heads and then get sprayed with soap hoses by people standing above you on an elevated platform. You then dance around in the shower while accidentally (or not, I suppose) sliding up against the other naked soapy bodies around you. Then the people on the platform spray you down with a hose. When you are sufficiently rinsed, you leave the shower and move to the adjacent dance floor, where there is a DJ and an area to brush your teeth, slather yourself in lotion and drink cans of yerba mate while drying off in the sun.

    now you may not think that your lives are as exciting or as interesting as that, but im here to tell you you couldnt be wronger.

    there are subtleties about your life that are just as beautiful and insightful as anything dr. thompson or ee or ms bain has ever jotted down.

    and you’d be lying if you said there was no drama or breakthroughs or surprises that, after the end of the day, you didnt say omg i really need to tell my friend about that.

    we are that friend. and no one can tell it better than you.

    for once in your life ignore that annoying voice in your head that says your stories dont matter or the world will implode if you typed it up or blah blah friggin blah.

    it is the role of a journalist to tell their brothers and sisters what theyve seen and the catch is, we are all journalists.

  4. driving to watts with a guy dressed as a naked dude at 2:15am 


    Last night I picked up this group in DTLA at the Mayan at 2am during a 1.75x surge, meaning the ride would cost nearly double the normal rate.

    They punched in their destination in the app before I arrived. When I started the ride I saw on the map it was gonna be a long one to the South. 114th street I asked? They said yep. We were currently on 11th.

    I asked what sorta music they wanted to hear. They said 105.5 FM which is a spanish music channel. And we were off.

    Drove south on the 110 and when we went east on the 105 I realized we were headed to Watts.

    watts nbd

    When we got there I asked is this really Watts? They said yep. I asked which way is the Watts Tower (I’d never been). They pointed.

    The guy in the black shirt said “but wear a helmet” and chuckled.

    Dropped them off in a mighty scary area. Two guys were selling drugs at the corner like in the movies. Cars were speeding by abandoned buildings. But as I was driving away from my passengers, they yelled to me.

    They then gave me a $10 tip.

    Amazing how sometimes the poorest people living in the scariest parts of town will be the most generous after a $30 ride. Whereas some of the richest people living in the lap of luxury will whine about a $10 ride and not even consider tipping (or even being polite) to the guy driving them home in the middle of the night.

    Long live Watts.

  5. Friday, October 24, 2014

    got beeped in Culver City and this super hot chick comes out 

    shit happensi go Greg?

    she says no, i’m a friend of Greg, he will be out as soon as he settles his check with the waitress.

    and i start cursing this Greg under my breath thinking things like, why would you order an Uber before you have paid for your meal? why is it ok for us to wait and not you? what is wrong with the world???

    a few minutes out comes the hot babe again but with an even hotter and younger woman. in between them is an old man.

    he gives them each some cash and kisses them on their cheeks and he slides into the back seat of my car.

    we start driving.

    i say, tell me your secrets, sensei.

    turns out Greg is a photographer who lived in Haight Ashbury right before it became The Spot in the ’60s.

    i asked, how did you know to live there?

    he said, i didn’t. i got lucky. it was close to the University of San Francisco.

    he told me they smoked weed, dropped acid, and had lots and lots of free love.

    i said, so that was real?

    he said, very real. beautifully real.

    i said, but you still got it?

    he said, no no, im old, no longer good looking. but being a photographer does have its advantages.

    Greg told me that 15% of all models will have sex with their photographers. he advised me never to make the first move. always have wine. and tell them things like, “imagine the man of your dreams just walked into your bedroom. how would you treat him. what would you say. what would you do?” and then keep taking pictures. take too many pictures.

    i said, i take lots of photos and theyre all terrible.

    he said, take twice as many. use good equipment. but never stop.

    we wound our way up the hill in Bel Air, he got out and he tipped me $8.

    it was his first Uber. and it made my night.

  6. Thursday, October 23, 2014

    so the first half of my life is over. great. what next. 


    no question ive done a lot of cool things since moving to LA 30 years ago.

    so what. now what?

    is this the time to have kids? can you do cool stuff while raising kids? mabes, but i probably couldnt.

    fine, no kids. then what? start a business? get a condo in DTLA? move to africa and save them from themselves?

    aint no saving anyone. when adam and eve were the only ninjas in the garden they still did what God told em would kill em.

    should i run for political office? i dont like wearing suits or shaking strangers hands.

    should i be more active in the Church? should i start my own Church? nah. no one wants the church i’d give em.

    maybe teach, maybe learn, maybe travel, maybe read books. for what though. what good are all these books.

    do the people who read the most books do the most good for the world or do they just buy more books?

    should i adopt a kid? should i clean my apartment? should i do the unspeakable:

    do everything i can to accumulate as much money as i can in my bank account?

    joan rivers did that and she never seemed happy. she gave $100 million to her daughter when she died.

    but she lived like she was broke. hawking crud on cable tv to people who shoulda saved their money.

    how do you die with $100 million when you coulda given half of that away?

    maybe i should just write. and judge. and sin. by judging. but really write this half.

    thats what bukowski did and we are all better for it.

    and finally give those page turners something to turn.

    leave something behind for the ninjas not born yet.

    share the wealth. share the know how. share the lessons.

    pass the dutchie pan the left front side.

  7. delicious bday. people were super nice on the web 

    took a lyft to work and then to kanpai and then home so i could eat drink and be merry

    got to kanpai and my mom had called ahead and gave them her credit card

    which was a pleasant surprise

    chris ali and mary were there.

    so much was eaten and dranken.

    im a very lucky man.

    thank you all for all of it.

    amber was super dooper sweet

    and omg Alyson from Canada – ahahah thank you!

    next year’s is gonna be in vegas.

    why not.

  8. Wednesday, October 22, 2014
  9. today is my birthday, im 24 

    get born

    a million years ago my poor mother was rushed to a hospital in washington dc

    she was not given any pain meds to deliver me because she was told that she would want to feel the once-in-a-lifetime experience of having her first child.

    advice she would now never give another woman, she says.

    birthdays are about the child but i think they should be about the mom.

    my mom’s the greatest and unlike her gynecologist i have done my best to ease her pain as much as possible.

    this isn’t the easiest task because, being somewhat affiliated with the xbi, i am often in the middle of some dangerous situations, and i don’t always succeed.

    likewise i cant really have a steady girlfriend, which means i cannot produce any grandchildren for her.

    fortunately my sister has brought unto the world replicants who look a lot like me and are named after grandma.

    anything impressive that i have done in my crazy twisted life is all due to my mom who continues to be supportive of my wild imagination and bizarre paths. shes supportive the way Marge Simpson is. she may grumble but you know it’s for the right reasons. and often her tone alone will nudge me in the direction she feels is best.

    so happy birthday, mom. thanks for bringing me to this crazy planet filled with beautiful people, wonderful music, and fantastic movies.

    i hope i haven’t freaked you out too much so far.