1. Thursday, November 6, 2014

    today is alie wards birthday, shes 24 

    f56deda30a316c2b1034585be0fd4c480259how is alie ward not the biggest star in the world?

    she can dance, she can sing, shes the funniest person in the room.

    she looks great in a cocktail dress, even with her wooden leg.

    she can mix a damn drink. she will drink the damn drink. shes sharp as a tack.

    and shes a super hard worker. which youd never know because she makes it look so easy.

    many moons ago we worked together and whenever i passed her cube (when she was upstairs at metromix) or her desk (when she was downstairs with brand x) she was working working working

    but she always had time to tell me how nice my khakis looked or ask “how did you get those shoes to shine so bright!?!”

    shes on the tv with her bff georgia all the time. they do very funny podcasts. they volunteer at the the burn center. they rescue cats. alie even has a thing about bugs.

    bugs!

    because life is bizarre for some reason she isn’t on morning radio every day or a late night talk show each night.

    why is scarlet johannson the black widow in the avengers?

    why isn’t alie there concocting weird ass drinks to trick the evil monsters into doing shots with, and then puking rainbows all over the metropolis?

    why hasnt obama hired her to get the kids out to vote? why hasnt the mayor hired her to rank all the taco trucks during his Taco Trucks Must Be Ranked initiative?

    and why hasnt playboy let her guest edit an issue.

    JUST ONE ISSUE, HEF!

    maybe because too much awesome is like staring at the sun while on shrooms after being on acid.

    poolside.

    on alie wards birthday.

    on the moon.

    happy birthday hottest redhead with a wooden leg.