i want chips, like all the time, in my mouth


it’s what makes me fat, im certain, but what can i do.

those and the drive thru visits. and the lack of exercise.

but what i want, always, as in right now, are chips. any sorts.

doritios, bbq, oil and vinegar, cheetos, fritos, sun chips, avocado chips,

but especially funyuns, like right now, like in my mouth.

the problem with funyuns though is they ruin your breath for a good day.

no amount of mouthwash will wash that onion out.

so like what if a nice girl wants to kiss you?

you can point to your cheek and have her kiss there, but youre supposed to be a man.

on top of that youre supposed to be a gentleman, which means everything about you should smell fantastic.

most importantly your breath. which it wont if you eat funyuns.

i dont even like onions is the thing but i love funyuns.

thats how crazy i am.

so usually the only time i indulge in my favorite snack is late at night

once i know theres no chance for a pretty girl to wanna smooch with me.

it’s also a good booty call device because if someone txts you and says whattya doin

and its 2:15am, you can honestly say, i just downed a bag of funyuns

and if they say can me and my bff come over you can say

i just downed a bag of funyuns

and see if they giggle and say


29 years ago today i was selling tvs in west LA’s

space shuttle Challenger crew

the super store was called Federated Group, known for its zany commercials, i was but a lad but i was great at selling home stereos, car stereos, boomboxes,

however tvs were my specialty.

29 years ago for some reason i was working the afternoon shift. maybe i didnt have school that day.

not a lot of salesmen were on the floor. i remember this clearly. because when the rich couple came in looking for a new tv i was able to greet them and begin qualifying the customer.

you know: what tv are you replacing, where will this go in your home, what features are you looking for, what made you choose Federated, could it have been our world famous extended service plans?

and as they started talking behind me the giant wall of 100 tvs all started showing the same thing: the Challenger space shuttle warming up on the launch pad.

“hey before we go on, how about we watch the astronauts?” the gentleman asked.

“sure, I said and turned up the volume of the JVC 25” set that i wanted to sell them and the Sony 25 XBR that i used to compare it to that cost $100 more that i was willing to allow them to trade up to

their choice.

the countdown began, 10, 9, 8, 7, etc, the smoke built up around the space craft

then the ship began to slowly rise from the platform, it gained speed

and, of course, it then exploded

zenith, magnavox, rca, daytron, hitachi, panasonic, quasar, and even the sony and jvc all showed those brilliant lives

scatter across the sky.

the couple looked at the screens like i did, in astonishment

and then sadness.

and then super sadness.

no tv was purchased that day.

but they did take my card.