nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 26, 2015
  2. Saturday, January 24, 2015

    im worried about heaven 

    ernie banks

    the only logical reason for ernie banks to be dead is because God needed Heaven to be happier.

    Ernie Banks, Mr. Cub, was like the sun. he was always there, always warm, and you’d always be glad to see him.

    the skinny shortstop and later first baseman hit 512 home runs without cheating

    and more importantly, with a smile on his face.

    joy is a thing many athletes, and non-athletes, have difficulty expressing at work

    but not Ernie, even when it was no longer his job.

    like all of us, he loved baseball and the world’s most beautiful park, Wrigley Field so much that you could just see it on his face. and that made you love it.

    ernie has been a Cub my entire life, yet i never remember him in bad spirits, or sad, or, omg mad.

    and trust me, there have been many times all Cub fans have had good reasons to be all of those things.

    ernie was the first black baseball player on the Cubs. imagine that. and like Jackie Robinson for the Dodgers, what a spectacular first for the Cubs. a solid athlete, and an absolute gentleman.

    harry, ernie, and ron santo

    for some reason i never thought he would die.

    for some reason i thought that in a year or two when the Cubs finally won the World Series, there would be Ernie in the locker room holding the trophy, having bubbly poured over him

    and him saying

    this is so wonderful, let’s play two today!

    this year, for some reason, the Cubs’ first game is a night game.

    in honor of their most beloved player ever, they should schedule another game before it, in the day time

    and have an Opening Day Night double header

    because Ernie’s right, any day at Wrigley is wonderful,

    and maybe this will please Heaven.

  3. Friday, January 23, 2015

    time to catch up 

    baby plane

    one of the best benefits of working at the academy starts this week.

    for the next couple of weeks we screen every movie nominated for every category: twice.

    this allows for the voting members to see the films before they vote for them, or re-see them.

    im not a voting member but because i do get to go.

    here is my little schedule, some days are empty cuz ive seen the films:

    tonight: Capt. America: The Winter Soldire
    saturday: X-Men: Days of Future Past
    sunday: Foxcatcher
    monday: Beyond the lights
    tuesday: Nightcrawler
    weds: Glen Campbell… I’ll Be Me
    sat 1/31: American Sniper
    mon: Finding Vivian Maier
    tues: Still Alice
    weds: Last Days in Vietnam
    thrs: The Theory of Everything
    fri: Citizen Four
    sat 2/7: Begin Again
    sun: Live Action Shorts, Animation Shorts, The Box Trolls
    mon: Song of the Sea
    tues: Tangerines
    weds: Mr. Turner
    thurs Timbucktu, Ida

  4. Thursday, January 22, 2015

    after the winds come and go 

    tupac and snoop doggand the rain and the three cold days

    the stars come back, a miracle because of

    all the light pollution

    and they just wanna hang there.

    they think we’re better

    than we think we are.

    imagine that.

    prettiest things in the universe.

    my doctor says the xbi doctor is right

    that im gonna live as long as those stars

    so i probably should stop it with the mcdonalds breakfasts.

    how about no drive thrus until after 8pm

    she asked snapping the rubber glove.

    im always down for a challenge.

    this is the creamiest avocado ive ever had.

    how is that possible.

    how is anything possible.

    we are robots with self charging solar batteries and the most miraculous cpus.

    you know why i believe in god?

    because he showed off

    with our eyes.

    not just practical


    and .

    the big bang doesnt accidentally produce eyes like yrs

  5. ballghazigate 

    tumblr_nik5avsmg31s201nro1_400so twice now in the last few years the new england patriots have been caught cheating

    this time they were caught during the AFC Championship game

    now a real commissioner would rule that the Patriots, who are on probation, have forfeited their right to play in the Super Bowl

    or a soft commissioner would rule that the Patriots should have two people banned from the Super Bowl

    namely the coach, who is a huge liar, and obvs knows when 11 of 12 balls are being fucked with

    and the QB who is also a huge liar and obvs knows when the centerpiece of his professional life

    the football in his hands

    is 16% lighter and squeezier than normal balls.

    but we dont live in that world. we live in a world where the NFL commissioner wants to keep his $44 million salary

    and he doesnt want to scare his bosses, the NFL owners, into thinking that he would ever do anything that dramatic to them

    if he ever caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

    so he will do the least courageous thing possible: he will fine the team a few hundred grand

    and make them lose another draft pick.

    just like last time

    just like any time.

    why? because his balls are deflated too.

  6. Wednesday, January 21, 2015

    had some great soup last night with my buddy chris 

    green mind

    if you woulda told me when i was a little leaguer that id be a man who would pay $11 for a salad at lunch

    and $10 for a bigass bowl of vietnamese soup for dinner

    i woulda told you, this is why my momma doesnt let me talk to strangers.

    when chris said he wanted to have dinner i was all hmmm where can we go. thai? chinese? armenian?

    then he said “somewhere healthy” and i forgot hes been on this health kick for the last couple of years.

    so as we were driving down sunset i said hey how about some Pho

    he said sure.

    i said you want local casual pho or hipster pho

    and before he could answer i said lets see what the hipsters are up to.

    and not only was it great but we ran into former KPCC lovely and now LA Times artist, Lily

    who was not eating pho, i dont even know what she was eating but it wasnt soup.

    probably because she was all i aint paying no $10 for a bigass bowl of soup.

    but man were we happy with our choice.

  7. Tuesday, January 20, 2015

    a comment from a long time reader 

    i heart LA


    You need to get out of LA pronto. You don’t need the Hollywood Hills house in your rear view mirror all day. The constant visibility of all the things you don’t have is clouding your mind as to all that you do have.

    Ok you just got another job after being down and out for a while, all your friends are there and (insert your favorite rationalization to stay here). Whatever. I ain’t saying never come back.
    I been reading your blog a long time. You need a break my man.

    A radical break.


    fine. but where?

  8. theres a guy who wants to build a restaurant bar 200 feet from my apartment 

    pete rose

    he swears he wants to form a bond with the neighbors here.

    yet he has his guys jackhammer the building starting at 8am on saturday

    and now 8:45am on tuesday.

    while its nice that he gave his workers MLK day off, it’s weird that he thinks hes going to make friends by waking everyone up on saturdays.

    how did pete rose get banned from baseball and yet dickweeds and imbeciles get to own parts of hollywood, do ridiculous things selfishly

    and think they can just have whatever they want.

    i wrote a letter a while ago that said if he tries to squeeze this thing into our hood, a place that already has major parking issues

    im just gonna call the cops every night for disturbing the peace

    and i only lie on this blog

  9. Monday, January 19, 2015

    is fear your friend or your foe 

    wolf of wall streetwhen i look around my apartment and wonder why i dont have a house i think about two things, three really, that are keeping me back.

    and theyre all crazy.

    the first is the lottery. for some reason i think one day imma win the big grand prize and buy a house on the hill in hollywood with an infinity pool.

    the feeling is so real i wonder if in a past life i won the lottery and bought a house and had a former porn star maid who wore great clothes, dusted from time to time but mostly floated around the pool reading the wall street journal.

    the second is a series of books. for some reason whenever i feel like i need a million bucks i need to write a few books like how bukowski did and move to san pedro. but then theres this voice in my head that says “dont you forget, you hate writing books, and youre tired of them, and they take so long, and theyre painful. and btw you suck at writing anything longer than what would fit on a post card.”

    and then i think fine, i will make a book of post card love letters to random ladies.

    the third is marrying rich. but i dont wanna get married. im sure i would get bored within minutes, even if she was super rich. and im positive i would bore her too.

    to me the worst thing in the world is to be bored. life is a miracle. id rather read the web and my books and watch tv and drive LA around LA all day than be in a relationship where i wasnt stimulated by the person i was shacked up with.

    even if she was a zillionaire. especially if she was a zillionaire bc i bet she would have interesting friends who would give us tips on how to remodel our mcmansion, which doesnt need any damn remodeling. and who would saunter over during the day when i was supposed to be writing and she would float in the pool with the x pornstar maid and theyd talk about what they read in the wall street journal and yell at me to look up and judge their high diving contest.

    and id say we dont have a high dive

    and theyd say, we are high, and we’re gonna dive, so judge us.

    and thats why everyone wants to marry rich. but we all know that never works out.

    why? because no one wants to be the silver medalist. which is who you are when you dont fall fall fall into omg i love you love.