1. Tuesday, January 13, 2015

    pretty girl said if your dishes are clean i’ll come over tomorrow 

    wrestlingso there i was at 2am this morning doing my dishes.

    then i heard what sounded like an angry knock at my door. AT 2AM!

    i knew it wasnt her because getting her to come over is an intense chess match that rarely ends in anything other than a draw, meaning she stops texting and i fall asleep on the couch.

    THEN I HEARD THREE MORE POUNDS ON MY DOOR!

    BANG

    BANG-BANG!

    my cats scattered away from the door and as i got closer to it i saw what looked like a rhino

    trying to push through the door.

    it was a wallop like ive never seen before.

    WHAT THE FUCK! i screamed, automatically, beastmode style. pure animalistically.

    the visitor heard my shout and ran down my stairs and towards my next door neighbor’s place.

    then i heard glass shatter. no kidding. not lying.

    my neighbor is a beautiful woman and petite and she lives alone. her front door, unlike mine, is french glass. mostly glass.

    i was terrified the brute had broken down her door and was headed up her stairs to kill her – or worse!

    first i dialed her number, but after two rings i called 9-1-1 instead.

    soon the cops had arrived but the creep was gone.

    turned out he was a young blond man with a hoodie, a drunk. who the cops nor the church members ever caught.

    but it did get all of us neighbors out of our comfort zones to introduce ourselves to each other.

    and made me try to remember where i put my aluminum baseball bat

    which i couldnt find last night in a split second.

    it’s weird when you’re the scaredest youve ever been and all you can find is a hand axe.