figured out what im gonna do when i win the lottery

my pool

1. buy this house with that hot tub actually in the damn ocean

2. buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (a steal at $50 million) which sits on 1,200 acres just north of Santa Barbara

3. make the coolest orphanage of all time at the Ranch and teach the kids all the great life skills that their peers dont learn in school:

how to fix a car

how to handle a knife

how to pick up a girl

how to play guitar

how to dunk

how to fly a helicopter

how to cook

how to dance

how to fix a leaky sink and a fucked up toilet

4. i will produce a tv show much like The Bachelor called “Marry a Middle Aged Bald Lottery Winner”

5. and then i will start renovating small motels and slowly build an empire when no one is looking.

The Powerball is currently at $485 million and climbing

should Jay-Z accept Taylor Swift’s invitation to brunch

taylor swift asks jay-z to brunch

oh hell no.

when you’re currently married to the most amazing woman in pop music,

the last thing you wanna do is screw that up in any way.

i dont wanna say that women get jealous, but ive met some jealous women

and it doesnt matter if you’re out with a truck driver or a beauty queen

when you get home you’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

and there are no correct answers in that interrogation.

if youre smart you wear a police body camera, but even then a jealous woman will question your every laugh, your answers, the way you didnt proclaim your undying love to your betrothed.

it’s lonely on top and jay-z knows this. he didnt go after kanye when kanye

rightfully

ascended the stage sunday to challenge Beck’s win over Beyonce.

jay obediently stood by his queen.

he has 99 problems.

if he goes to brunch with anyone  else he’ll have 99 more.

aint nobody got time for that.