nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, February 17, 2015

    how did i not know that motley crue’s last show 

    princewill be on new years eve
    at staples center, in downtown LA.

    this is facebook’s fatal flaw, and the thing that will make them totally fail

    and why i divested my stocks from them:

    they dont care what you like. they care if what you like paid for an ad.

    facebook knows more about me than anything ever created. it knows i like to see things at staples, it knows i love the crue, it knows i buy lots of concert tickets,

    so then why didnt it, with its multi gazillion dollar algorithm alert me that crue tickets were going on sale

    and once they sold out, why didnt they tell me that there were lots of tickets on stubhub?

    because facebook doesnt care about being a useful tool in my life

    it cares about being a commercial entity constantly looking for ways of monetizing the things i like and because the concert sold out so quickly it assumed there were no more avenues in which to sell to me, but alas it was so wrong.

    and at its heart it has failed itself and me as a customer.

    just tell me things, facebook, the money will come.

    i know it’s hard to put that into a powerpoint deck but sorry, it’s true.

    when you play games by throttling information you miss out on opportunities.

    just show me the things that i want to see and i will be more loyal to your site and omg i probably will stay there longer, and the longer i stay the more chances you have to making me buy something and hopefully it will be something that i actually want.

    and yes, i would like to see motley crue’s last show ever. in LA, at Staples

    on new years eve.


  2. Monday, February 16, 2015

    seana said hey we are in town, lets have a drink, do you know any pizza places for the kids? 

    the fitt wagners

    at first i thought chuck e cheese, but i realized her boys are big now (both in high school) and seana was a hair metal rock fan back in school

    so i suggested the Rainbow on the fabulous Sunset Strip

    it was surprisingly empty so we got the best table in the joint right next to the fireplace

    which was slightly unnecessary since it was 75 degrees outside

    but we ate pizza and pasta, drank beers, talked about Napa and Isla Vista and how her boys dont watch tv or sports

    and they listen to EDM instead of classic rock

    we all said a little prayer that they will grow out of it

    and generally had a spectacular time in a little slice of rock n roll history.

    from now on this is where i will eat pizza with people when they say they wanna buy me some beers.

    screw tacos.

    for those of you who dont know Seana, she is the one on with her arms around me on the far right of this pic.

    for some reason i thought she and i took a road trip from santa barbara to hollywood back in college

    for a Rolling Stones press announcement, in which no Stones attended

    but we didnt care: road trip to Hollywood.

    anyhow, Seana hasnt changed a bit. she’s still super fun and her family is awesome.

    party on!

  3. Sunday, February 15, 2015

    last night driving the lovebirds was lovely 

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    traffic was gnarly because of the record breaking warm weather. 82 degrees near the beach where i drove most of the day. and of course valentines day where everyone for some reason thinks it’s their duty to drive their loved one themselves to a far-away restaurant.

    because of the traffic and the warm temps many drivers didnt drive leaving surge prices for most of the day and night. $11 rides were suddenly $28 (as they should be) and guess what: no passenger complained.

    often drivers will say that they dont like to drive during surge hours because ticked off passengers take it out on them with low ratings.

    this week i drove almost exclusively during surge times and i have a perfect score

    so yes it can be done

    Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 1.07.03 PM

    yesterday i learned a lot

    high school sophomore girl told me that the kids dont hate iggy azelia because she basic, but because she has bad music. meanwhile shes living the dream: grammy nom, million seller, two huge songs (fancy, black widow), dating a laker, so props to her.

    skinny cross fitter told me i shouldnt eat white things: rice, potatoes, wheat, sugar, salt. and something less impossible: start running, just a mile. do 5 pushups a day until you feel like doing 10. but just do that a few times a day. 10% he said is better than 0%. then he offered me some weed.

    party people leaving the Bungalow told me going up California, albeit full of stop signs, is still faster than Wilshire with all its lights.

    gay Aussie dude going to a lesbian wedding told me that in his country the Republicans are called Liberals and are just as determined to stick their dick into nature (for their god, money) as ours are. he said their prime minister recently approved the dredging around the Great Barrier Reef for a coal port. yes whatever you do, fuck with the largest living organism on the globe.

    these sweet asian recent ucla grads told me that asians who get red quickly when they drink booze have a 60% higher chance of getting cancer than their brethren who dont get red quickly.

    i started at 11am, ended at 9pm, took a few breaks in between and surpassed my goal while enjoying driving with the window down for most of the day.

    had to turn on the AC a few times. in mid February, while most of the nation froze.

    life is so not fair.

  4. Friday, February 13, 2015

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s back from Hell 


    some of us have been to the edge

    some of us have stared down into the big ugly

    some of us have had the taste of darkness

    jeanine has gone further and deeper and been places that should have never given her back to us.

    but we are so lucky she is still here.

    jeanine could drink more than any person i have ever met, and i know some drinkers.

    she consumed more substances than even her former drug dealer boyfriend

    (except pot. she hates pot.)

    and she did this for years and years and years.

    she was in the ICU on several occasions. french kissing death. saying comeon comeon comeon like kim gordon sneers in “kool thing”

    but even death knew jeanine had more to do here, on this planet, with all of us.

    and spit her back out.

    amber and jeaninethen a miracle happened.

    i was dating young amber smith blog and we discovered that jeanine and amber shared the same birthday

    not only that but they had similar demons.

    the miracle was that amber had gone through the steps that it took to rid her self of her evils and she was sweet enough to share that with her birthday sister.

    amber coached me that i was doing everything wrong. she told me that i had to let jeanine go and do her own thing and she would find the true path alone.

    it was scary but it worked. jeanine rode busses from the beach to DTLA to the valley to jump through all of the red tape that she needed to get help.

    omg socialized help

    which not only saved her life, but restored her to the jeanine we first knew and loved some two decades ago.

    today jeanine is sober, healthy, happy, alert, aware, and full of life.

    she is responsible and motivated and filled with happiness and joy and doing things she probably never thought she’d ever be doing like talking to her mom all the time, reading the bible, and just saying no.

    it’s a transformation we all hoped would happen but never thought would take place so quickly and thoroughly, but Jeanine is the essence of quickness. she taught herself guitar and piano in days. she became a certified jeweler in months. and now she has her sights set to be a master chef. which she will accomplish, no doubt, in part, to honor her late brother.

    i have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most unique and special people in the world and jeanine continues to surprise me in beautiful ways.  and i love her so much and im so happy for her because i can only imagine how tough it was for her to get here.

    she has been on the craziest road and i thank God that she never gave up.

    happy birthday Jeanine. here’s to many more.

    and thank you and happy birthday Amber. without you who knows what would have happened to Jeanine.

  5. Thursday, February 12, 2015

    went to carmax last night to buy a mercedes 

    tvCcTnvi dont really care for mercedeses but i want to drive for the higher class uber because basic uber is for basics

    got there met a nice guy who’d been there five years (take a break already!) and together we stumbled into a row of Infinitis

    theyre faster cooler and cheaper than mercedeses and i was sold on one that only had 9k miles.

    when we start crunching the numbers we realize i owe more on my current car than its worth

    because somehow, for some reason, my current ford hybrid has lost nearly half of its value in just over a year!

    meaning i will have to finance about $5k of my current loan into my new loan

    and, little did i know, but even ppl with good credit, like me, can expect to pay 6% interest on used cars.

    meaning my car payment with the infiniti would be about $200 a month more than what i currently pay

    and even though if everything goes right i would be making about $800 a month more driving in the luxury tier

    it would suck to give back 1/4 of that just on a car payment.

    especially because who knows how long i can make $800 more than i am currently making on uber

    and who really wants a $620 car note?

    so now im thinking about getting a cheaper car, which is ok, i dont care, i dont care about anything really

    except who is gonna get me world series tickets in a year and a half.

    at wrigley field.

    but i do know this, friends.

    i am gonna see AC/DC at the friendly confines this september.

    hopefully with my mom and niece and nephew bc who knows how long theyve got to rock.

  6. Wednesday, February 11, 2015

    me and jeanine saw Stevie Wonder last night in DTLA 


    it was produced by the Grammys who are gonna air it Monday and pretty much everyone was there



    Jay-Z, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Tony Bennet, Ed Shereen, Jennifer Hudson, India Arie

    Craig Robinson, Mary Wells, Jill Scott, Gary Clark Jr., Gladys Knight, Pharrell, Babyface


    Beyonce kicked it off with a big crowdpleasing song that was amazing


    id never seen her live before and she was amazing


    it got me thinking that maybe Kanye is right and she deserves unlimited Grammys


    it was a tough ticket to get and im stoked i got to go with jeanine cuz she loved it

    and knew a lot of his songs and the songs meant a lot to her.


    oh yeah Maya Rudolph was also there, and Janelle Monae, and A Band Called Perry, and Tyler Perry

    and Jamie Foxx and Andrea Bocelli who i never knew was blind


    Ed Shereen was the whitest guy there and the biggest surprise, he was fantastic

    Tony Bennet followed Beyonce, which was an impossible trick, but he was soooo damn good.

    At the end they let Stevie sing and it was wonderful.

    Even his daughter sang and she was great too.

    Perfect night all around. so glad I went. Will go to more shows more often, i promise.

  7. let me count the ways i love this letter 


    1. The Zip Code is simply “Hollywood 69” (Now it would be 90069)

    2. The phone number is Crestview 5-1146

    3. They list their “Cable address” (for telegrams?)

    4. Gregory Peck is the President of the Academy

    5. Elmer Bernstein, Frank Capra, and Arthur Miller are on the Board, among other heavyweights

    6. Edith Head doesn’t believe in Area Codes

    7. But she does give out her home number!?!?!


  8. Tuesday, February 10, 2015

    figured out what im gonna do when i win the lottery 

    my pool

    1. buy this house with that hot tub actually in the damn ocean

    2. buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (a steal at $50 million) which sits on 1,200 acres just north of Santa Barbara

    3. make the coolest orphanage of all time at the Ranch and teach the kids all the great life skills that their peers dont learn in school:

    how to fix a car

    how to handle a knife

    how to pick up a girl

    how to play guitar

    how to dunk

    how to fly a helicopter

    how to cook

    how to dance

    how to fix a leaky sink and a fucked up toilet

    4. i will produce a tv show much like The Bachelor called “Marry a Middle Aged Bald Lottery Winner”

    5. and then i will start renovating small motels and slowly build an empire when no one is looking.

    The Powerball is currently at $485 million and climbing