congratulations mom!

me and momeven though she’s technically retired, my mom volunteers at her favorite department store: Nordstrom

she takes the train into the city a few times a week and shines that sparkling smile and im all ma, youre retired, why you gotta work?

she says it keeps her young and vibrant, and she likes the deep discounts she gets.

so does my sweater drawer closet.

anyway, like any normal person at any normal retail outlet, she meets her fair share of negative situations and complains about them

to which i usually say quit quit quit!

today she rang me and asked if i was busy.

that usually frightens me because i expect the worst: the dog died, the boy has stopped hitting left handed, the cubs are putting up a giant video scoreboard

when she finally got to her purpose of calling she said

tony, i am the employee of the year.

i was all OF COURSE!!

she laughed.

i laughed.

obama and the NSA laughed.

im so proud of her. shes the best. always has been and they know how lucky they are that she works there.

and i know how lucky i am that shes my mom.

congrats ma!

they’re opening up another Kanpai

smokerthis one is gonna be about 2 miles away from the other one.

which is good because if they opened up one near my house id need a third job.

pretty girls call me to see whats up but i dont call em back.

somewhere my mojo disappeared and i am uncertain as to how i get it back. the fellas at the xbi say drinking but come on.

drinking is played out. plus i like waking up without the world pounding in my ears.

drove a gorgeous girl up from beverly hills to baldwin hills last night. at first she didnt wanna talk so i respected that

but then i got tired of not talking so i asked her where she was from and she said DC and i said i was born there and she started talking and talking and talking.

then she said shes deciding between colleges: san diego state or uc santa barbara.

i asked her, have you ever kissed a guy who had just smoked a whole cigarette?

she laughed and said omg my ex bf in dc.

i said san diego is like kissing a whole football team of guys who just smoked a carton of cigarettes.

she said whats santa barbara like?

i said it’s your first kiss that you’ll never forget.

and when we finally got to her house i said, see you on DP on halloween!

and she said, you just may,


i had a fantastic weekend of driving, sushi, and friends


saturday was the two year anniversary of Little Joy and it was also Lily’s birthday.

in attendance were many LA Times youngsters and even Sarah’s bff Lindsay who showed me her unlimited Tap pass because she works for Metro and loves taking the bus everywhere.

so jeals


earlier in the day i said goodbye to Andy who is moving back to Chicago. mark, audrey and mr. fluffy helped him polish off some carne at his bbq right by the beach.


he gave me an awesome Taschen book about the Police in 80-83 (their best years.)


back to Lily, she had a pinata but no stick so she violently bashed it against the riser in the back secret room and glow sticks and dinosaurs flew out which was a wonderful surprise.


sarah as always looked beautiful but moreso than ever.

i drank and drank and later walked down to my favorite taco truck and got two for the road.


before all of that i ubered for 10 hours on saturday and hit my goal on my last ride with this handsome british actor who is starring in a Fox pilot loosely based on when Rivers of Weezer quit the band to go to Harvard.

i was all bro youre way too handsome to play Rivers

he said, welcome to Hollywood, G!

there was a time i wanted to have ten kids

jim mcmahon

then i wanted ten corvettes

then i wanted ten wives

now i just want ten sunglasses, because i always lose mine.

i had a box of twenty sunglasses a few years ago and i finally ran through all of them.

no matter whats going on in your life you always look cooler in sunglasses

and a bears jersey, even if youre playing for the packers

chilling with bubba in the oval

and in the rose garden

with the packrrrs


ali and i were talking about things we wanna do in our lives


she was so clear, so focused, it was beautiful.

me, im more abstract and boring.

i wanna help people.

more specifically i wanna help people achieve their dreams.


even more specifically i wanna help people while wearing a cubs hat and shorts.

sadly yesterday on the radio i was listening to this guy say that men dont get taken seriously when they wear shorts.

unless they won the lottery.

so my new goal is to help people while wearing shorts after winning the lottery.

however maybe a more realistic goal is to help people while being one of the few men who are respected for wearing shorts.


by the way, nobody likes my shorts.

i have several pairs of plaid shorts and two of the same pair of bathing trunks that have pockets

thus shorts.

the only people who like them are the good people of Las Vegas who dont care because i tip well.


drove a fashion designer around today who focuses on mens fashions.

i shoulda asked her if she would be interested in creating shorts for men which will DEMAND respect.

DEMAND SHORTS they could be called.

or RESPECT MY SHORTS could be stitched into the inseam or something.


deep down i just wanna be a televangelist on one of those Christian cable channels.

pretty sure St. Peter would love that and sneak me through the sneaky window

if the show was good.

had a bad night last night


screwed up and picked up a Plus customer after work on Pico. huge mistake that i wont make again.

he was a high roller lawyer who had me drive him through some of the dumbest traffic (dumb because if he had just told me where he wanted to go instead of keeping it a secret I would have taken a faster route) to go to a liquor store.

then he had me wait for him as he looked through every row. the booze he was looking for wasnt there. he wanted something specific and fancy.

he didnt talk to me. he talked to a wide assortment of people on the phone. from the conversation i gathered where he wanted me to take him. so i drove there.

$30 later he was gone but i was far from the fishing hole that i love at that hour so i slowly made my way there and when i did the fish were all gone.

except for two guys who wanted to go to the nearest hotel which was literally half a mile away. thankfully that was a Plus ride too which has a minimum fare of $10. youd think that dudes going that short of a ride would want a simple Uber X car, but no, they wanted style for their 3 minute ride and i gave it to them.

disappointed with life i went to the McDonalds drive-thru and called it a night. went to bed early which means i woke up early.

at 6:30am i was back on the road looking for someone who wanted to go to the airport.

instead i found a woman at the Chateau who wanted to go to DryBar and then i found a different woman who needed me to take she and her cute little son to his French school in West LA.

she was a beautiful scandinavian who then needed me to take her to her work. it was a high fare because it was surging like crazy but she didnt care, which was a delight.

the morning def made up for last night and best of all i was early for work so everyone was happy.

last night was a good night, all my schemes were working

tumblr_nl6982xwfB1up1nc2o1_540uber plus is like fishing, you gotta know where the spots are where no one else is fishing.

and i think i found some good ones. the tricky part, just like in any part of your life is




the first two are pretty simple but sometimes you end up in the skankiest public restrooms that it makes you consider peeing in a bottle and throwing that bottle in the trash

but there are a few problems with that

1) lots of poor people pick through the garbage looking for bottles and cans (clap yr hands)

2) what if you spill on your way to the dumpster

3) peeing in your car in a bottle? is that why you went to college?

there really should be safe clean beautiful public restrooms where you tip the guy a buck and you can do your thing

but sadly those places are called McDonalds and theyre not always as clean as i kept them back in the day

however nothing is as terrible as the Del Taco i found myself at in Venice

holy moses. and on top of that there were two guys selling/using/experimenting with heroin outside the door

then i worried about the bottom of my shoes, then my hands, thank god for hand sanitizer


learned a few more things about Marina Del Rey when i left, and also learned it isnt that profitable to drive people from LAX any more

$17 LAX -> West Hollywood.

I was all, what!?!?

but i know how to fix that now so goal, imma hit you faster tonight, just wait.

are ppl cray? oui

pieam i cray?

oh hell yes.

are ppl capable of beautifully delicious wonderfully selfless loveliness and miracles?


is that why we should put up with each other?


we should put up with each other because we are all children of God and when we diss one child we diss the creator, and since we are made in his image we are dissing ourselves.

we should put up with each other because they put up with us on our bad days, of which there are many, and we need to thank them for that.

we should put up with each other because theres really no one else

we are it. they are us. we are we. us is us.

hating ourselves is what the devil wants, not the angels.

plus it’s lazy. hate something better than each other.

hate gravity. hate darkness. hate cancer.

or better yet, use that power to explore love.

explore sexiness.

explore hotness and joy and peace and funkiness.

put up with yourself because thats what god does

and love is whats closest to godliness.