nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, March 24, 2015

    van halen to tour this summer, and conclude in hollywood 

    david lee roth van halen

    Van Halen 2015 Tour Dates:
    7/5 – Seattle, WA @ White River Amphitheatre
    7/7 – Portland, OR @ Amphitheater Northwest
    7/9 – Concord, CA @ Concord Pavilion
    7/11 – San Bernardino, CA @ San Manuel Amphitheater
    7/14 – Irvine, CA @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
    7/16 – Mountain View, CA @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
    7/18 – Salt Lake City, UT @ USANA Amphitheatre
    7/20 – Morrison, CO @ Red Rocks Amphitheatre
    7/22 – Kansas City, MO @ Cricket Wireless Amphitheater
    7/24 – Chicago, IL @ First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
    7/26 – St. Louis, MO @ Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre
    7/28 – Pittsburgh, PA @ First Niagara Pavilion
    7/30 – Bangor, ME @ Darling’s Waterfront Pavilion
    8/1 – Boston, MA @ Xfinity Center
    8/3 – Cleveland, OH @ Blossom Music Center
    8/5 – London, ON @ Western Fair District
    8/7 – Toronto, ON @ Molson Canadian Amphitheatre
    8/9 – Holmdel, NJ @ PNC Bank Arts Center
    8/11 – Hartford, CT @ Xfinity Center
    8/13 – Wantagh, NY @ Nikon At Jones Beach Theater
    8/23 – Hershey, PA @ Hershey Park
    8/25 – Darien Center, NY @ Darien Lake Performing Arts Center
    8/27 – Camden, NJ @ Susquehanna Bank Center
    8/29 – Washington, DC @ Jiffy Lube Live
    8/31 – Cincinnati, OH @ Riverbend Music Center
    9/2 – Indianapolis, IN @ Klipsch Music Center
    9/4 – Detroit, MI @ DTE Energy Music Theatre
    9/6 – Bethel, NY @ Bethel Woods Center for the Arts
    9/9 – Raleigh, NC @ Walnut Creek Amphitheater
    9/11 – Charlotte, NC @ PNC Music Pavilion
    9/13 – Tampa, FL @ MIDFLORIDA Credit Union Amphitheatre
    9/15 – West Palm Beach, FL @ Coral Sky Amphitheatre
    9/17 – Birmingham, AL @ Oak Mountain Amphitheatre
    9/21 – Austin, TX @ Austin360 Amphitheater
    9/23 – Dallas, TX @ Gexa Energy Pavilion
    9/25 – Houston, TX @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion
    9/28 – Phoenix, AZ @ Ak-Chin Pavilion
    9/30 – San Diego, CA @ Sleep Train Amphitheatre
    10/2 – Los Angeles, CA @ Hollywood Bowl

  2. 13 years ago tonight Halle Berry made history 

    as you probably know in 2002 she became the first black actress to win an Oscar for Actress in a Leading Role

    she beat out, among others, Nicole Kidman who was nominated for her role in Moulin Rouge, where she sang, danced, and wowed people.

    but Halle really dug down deep in Monster’s Ball and almost everyone agreed she deserved to go home with the statuette.

    her speech was so good. all off the cuff. the way it should be.

    it was cute she thanked her lawyer.

    every day some deceitful little so-and-so threatens me with legal proceedings over god knows what,

    i am thankful for my lawyer.

    i guess i should thank her more often as well.

  3. Blogger Twitter Timehop Jason Joins Obama’s White House 

    goldmana long time ago the busblog was just a humble little tadpole in the giant pond of Blogger.com

    and for some reason several young men and women took mercy on me as i tried to make this thing cool.

    there were like a half dozen jasons, an ev, a biz, a case, a kimmy, they were all so sweet to me, always there for me when this blog broke down or i wanted to try something new.

    one day jason goldman and jason sutter invited me to visit them at Google one day and when i took them up on their offer they gave me a tour, fed me, and goldman opened up the Blogger Closet and stoked me with a hoodie, a shirt and several other things that i still have.

    it was awesome.

    but today something even more awesome happened: goldman became the president of the united states.

    of america.

    check that: vice president.

    correction: super vice president of rock.

    no wait, he is now the White House’s First Chief Digital Officer

    While several of Obama’s former top aides have left Washington for Silicon Valley, Goldman is moving the other direction, taking over the new media and digital outreach that had evolved into one of Pfeiffer’s main projects by the time he left earlier this month. Goldman’s résumé includes Google, Medium, and Twitter, where he worked directly with co-founders Ev Williams and Biz Stone, serving as the first “head of product,” supervising managers, designers, an experts in user research and corporate marketing to develop effective outreach strategies.

    Goldman, who worked on a two-week engagement project for the White House last month, will report directly to chief of staff Denis McDonough.

    “Goldman brings new energy and coveted expertise as someone who’s helped shape the digital age,” Obama said.

    i keep trying to tell everyone: Blogger is a magical thing that helps people in powerful ways.

    it is so nice that those who helped people are continuing to realize great success. Rock on Jason!

  4. Monday, March 23, 2015

    do i miss her? duh 

    amber entering my car

    i miss em all.

    weirdly im still a sensitive poet though and when things dont work out i need a decade or two to heal.

    who knows why. maybe it’s something the xbi did to me so i could get back into chopper one and focus on work.

    i did the same thing with jeanine, the truest, ashley, all of em.

    they say theres two things plants need: sun and water.

    if you give them too much of one or the other then they’ll die.

    and if they dont get enough of one or the other they may die but they’ll probably hang in there until they get one or the other.

    the thing about life is you can say, “oh just give them the perfect amount every week” but life doesnt work like that. stuff happens.

    sometimes there aint no water. other times there aint no sun.

    and sometimes no matter what you do that plant just will not bloom.

    then when you arent looking not only does it bloom but it turns out it was a secret avocado tree and now you got so many avocados you dont even know what to do.

    so you gotta chill. no freaking out. no jumping off cliffs.

    miss the girls and all the nice things they brought,

    focus on giving back to the world and before you know it:

    guacamole for days.

  5. Sunday, March 22, 2015

    Dear Tony, Whats with all the Uber writing and never any about AMPAS? Signed, Mike 

    in a basket

    dear mike,

    in 2004 or thereabouts i wrote a little thing called How To Blog.

    it got turned into a book, a mini series, a 3D film they show at Universal Studios, and in Guam it’s a religion.

    one of the first rules of blogging, i wrote, was never to blog about work.

    blogging’s great, it will get you laid, many riches, and better tables at taquerias, but it can also get you fired.

    id love to write about all of the jobs ive had over the years but Uber is really the only one i feel comfortable writing about because they pretend they’re not my employer and i pretend they dont have the power to can me,

    plus even when i write about my passengers, i just gloss over the bulletpoints.

    for example, got this high school girl who was very sweet but admitted she hated reading and was grateful that at her school the teachers read the books aloud to the kids. i was all what? and this is private school!

    she said they also were given laptops and the teachers say its ok to write notes in the computer of the lectures


    your mother and i pay too much tuition for you to be doing that sweetheart!

    she told me that she hates reading but loves sports but cant play any sports because her grades are so bad.

    all of this from such an angelic face.

    meanwhile shes taking an uber from one side of town to the other as it’s surging!

    she said the grade school she was in was so small that instead of school busses the school would reimburse the kids if they took taxis.

    my mind was blowing all over the inside of my car. it was a mess to clean up.

    so thats why mike

  6. Saturday, March 21, 2015

    im not like them (but i can pretend) 

    the fox

    being around super smart people, sometimes i wonder if im not so smart any more.

    as you know, i have the lowest self esteem ever. so weird, negative thoughts often seep into my creative mind.

    but rarely has the whisper: youre not that smart bro has entered the never ending barrage. until recently. not sure why. but whatever.

    yesterday i drove and drove and drove for several reasons, the first being i felt fantastic. usually i get tired or my stomach turns sour after too many deep fried tacos or i get in a foul mood and just wanna go home.

    but last night i felt great from beginning to end. at closing time i took these two sweet girls from West Hollywood to Culver City and then Santa Monica for a fare of $55. one of them even fell asleep and snored in a super cute way. i know they both felt safe that they were in the back of a mercedes sedan with a nice uber driver playing justin timberlake for them as they snoozed instead of being in the back of a smelly cab with a guy addicted to march madness chatter on the AM.

    that was a great trip. but the one that made me feel not so dumb was when i picked up someone with a super fancy job and this person was such a ditz it was mindblowing. the more this person spoke the more i thought to myself, maybe God put this character in my ride to tell me “no tony, this is what a dumb person is like, you’re good.”

    and i went home, hugged the kittens, and slept like a baby.

  7. Friday, March 20, 2015

    people come to LA because of the weather 

    from above

    or lack thereof

    i am one of those people.

    it baffles me how few people follow in our footsteps, but when i see how cheap homes cost elsewhere it makes more sense.

    im about halfway through my life expectancy and it looks like i will never have the barbie dream home my sister has had.

    but i also dont have the headaches she has, nor have i needed to marry a big handsome white guy to make it happen.

    still, housing is so cheap where i grew up she could probably have had a decent home without getting hitched.

    regardless, im satisfied with my 1BD apt and the more than awesomely great weather.

    would i like a fridge in the garage? sure. could i get that eventually? probs.

    could i get married to a wealthy woman and “have it all”?

    i can do anything, but i dont want to do it that way: i want things to be natural.

    you know, like hail the size of softballs pouncing on nice people at the beach.


  8. Thursday, March 19, 2015

    sinead o’conner says she wont sing her biggest hit any more 

    sineadbecause she doesn’t feel it any more emotionally. the controversial singer explained why on her Facebook yesterday:

    OK, the time has come for me to cease singing Nothing Compares 2U. The first principle of the manner in which I’m trained as a singer (Bel Canto) is we never sing a song we don’t emotionally identify with. After twenty-five years of singing it, nine months or so ago I finally ran out of anything I could use in order to bring some emotion to it. I don’t want audiences to be disappointed coming along to a show and then not hearing it, so am letting you know here that you won’t. If I were to sing it just to please people, I wouldn’t be doing my job right, because my job is to be emotionally available. I’d be lying. You’d be getting a lie. My job is to give you honesty. I’m trained in honesty. I can’t act. It just isn’t in my training. I have ceased singing other songs over the years for the same reason.

    i appreciate her idealism and i love her new songs. she’s an amazing artist.

    but she’s dead wrong here.

    one of the goals in art is to push oneself. a wise man once said life is the conflict between doing what you think you have to do with what you really want to do.

    when you’re a musician who has been performing for over almost three decades and most people could only name two or three of your songs AND YOU DONT WANT TO PERFORM YOUR MOST POPULAR TUNE you’re not pushing yourself.

    yes we want emotional performances. no one appreciates acting. but if you can’t get to the place where you can emotionally sing a beautiful song like that, my belief is you are avoiding the route to that emotion because it is TOO emotional.

    tap into that, sweet lady, and you will discover a goldmine.

    stop resisting.

    sing your song.

    be the great example, not a quitter.

  9. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.

  10. Tuesday, March 17, 2015

    happy anniversary Jeanine 

    jeanine and me

    a zillion years ago a mysterious creature named Jeanine made her way into the offices of the Daily Nexus.

    she wore a scowl and a men’s blazer. she looked like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and because I’m a sucker for the Unknown i HAD to know who she was and what made her tick.

    she hated me immediately because i was loud and cocky and had rough edges for days.

    i probably also reeked.

    we had a few dates and they were terrible and one day she dropped acid and looked me in the eyes and kissed me and i was all omg omg omg omg

    a week or so later was the california collegiate journalism awards.

    earlier that year i had been fired and later banned from the Nexus but somehow my three Arts sections had been submitted for judgement so i got in a car with Jeanine and a long haired named Trevor Top and we made our way from IV to Sacramento.

    along the way i realized Trevor liked her too. i was very nervous because i felt he was way cooler than me, but i had kissed her, so i had that on him.

    many of us piled into just a few rooms we drank nibbled on pizza and hit the hot tub.

    there i held her hand to see if she would hold it in return. she did, so i kissed her. then again. it was lovely.

    soon i was trying on my dress. the men of the Nexus in those days wore dresses to the awards because we were loud, cocky, and had rough edges for days that were softened with the thrift store frocks.

    Jeanine helped me with my look and we walked hand in hand to the banquet room where after a few hours it became obvious that the Nexus, as usual, was going to waltz home with Every award. myself included. which was the first time we had won for Arts.

    victory was mine! retribution! i had fought for every idea in those sections. much of was in contradiction to our terrible EIC at the time who had just won Best in State but had to deal with his arch enemy, moi, not only winning my big prize, but best of all i got the girl: jeanine, who couldnt care less about the awards, but was wooed by a man in a dress who was now on top of the world and on top of her on the floor of our room.

    a few days later we drove to frisco, then mexico and along the way we fell in love.

    the date was march 17th. st. paddys day. our anniversary. 10 BC. and we will love each other forever.