i am not a patient man. for that i blame the cubs.


i know the patterns. i know the traps. i know the false flags.

yet when one thing changes i panic and act like every other imbecile.

right now in LA there are hundreds if not thousands of uber drivers ambling around for 90 cents a mile, which after taxes gas and wear and tear is about minimum wage.

they’re doing it because theyre poor, uneducated, ignorant or all of the above. they might also love being out of the house, meeting cool people, and in a crazy hope that something magical may happen on their journey

like getting a tip.

i have doubled down on uber and i traded in my fuel efficient ford cmax for the little black dress of beverly hills: the mercedes c250.

i did that so i could be paid over twice as much as my uberx brethren with the luxury uber plus platform.

but because of surge prices an impatience often i find myself taking uberx passengers in hopes that the 2x fare will pay off thanks to a long ride across town.


yesterday i had a few long rides but most of the night was spent shuttling ungrateful westsiders a mile or less from their homes to the abbot kinney first friday food truck convention which made my life hell because

dudes on dates often find it fun to be pricks to the driver

traffic around these events is usually horrible because either cops pretend that it doesnt exist or cops overreact and shut down streets in a foolish attempt at control

and no one is going where they should be going: outside their safe boring wessside bubble


i know that this point in my development i should be waiting patiently for Uber Plus rides where the passengers care more about the quality of car and driver than they do of the price, which is still cheaper than a cab.

plus i give them water, i charge their phones, i have every style of music at their disposal, and a sunroof, and i give them the respect they suddenly deserve.


i did zero uber plus rides last night because i was hoping that the trip request of Right Now would be just as good as waiting and waiting and waiting for the profitable trip request OF THE FUTURE.

in sales you learn that a small percentage of Something is better than a huge percentage of Nothing.

with that said, my stats don’t lie. In the last 7 days ive made $1,100 in 120 trips. That’s $9 a trip. If you grind it like I did yesterday that’s two trips an hour or $18 an hour.

that’s terrible when you realize Uber gets about 21% of that, then theres gas, which was about $40 for last night’s adventures, which means i didnt make squat.

i know where the traps were but i kept believing NOT EVERY ASSWIPE WANTS TO GO TO FIRST FRIDAYS but god was i wrong.

the other problem is the hotels around LAX rarely surge. so if you take someone from there to hollywood it’ll take you 45 minutes for that $19 which is really $15 which is really saying “i’m going to waste this hour just so i can get out of LAX”.

if i was uber id put a permanent 2x surge around LAX like a collar as good faith to the drivers who make those runs and to the cabbies who have a freakin $20 minimum to leave the airport – and we should too.

but i digress.


i was a bad, dumb, stupid man this week.

i need to stop it.

uber is helping me stop it.

there is a thing called the heat map which tells us what parts of town are surging so that we can go there and help the passengers, of whom there are more of than drivers, thus the surge.

this week the heat map was broken which is like a pilot not knowing what his altitude is.

a good pilot could be told “oh just eyeball it, you’re a pro”, but, hi, thats ridiculous, you are a technology company, not a transportation company, I BET THE 20% COMMISSION CALCULATOR ISNT BROKEN FOR A WEEK, please fix the one feature that literally helps us make more money.

there are tools that you can use to find out if driving one mile can put you in a far more profitable area, but those take time and HELLO IM DRIVING OVER HERE

for a brief period the surge rates in Inglewood appeared on my screen informing me if i drove 10 minutes away i could make 2.6 times what i was getting where i was. so guess what: i drove to Inglewood to pick up pretty girls from the Maroon 5 concert.

Thank you, Heat Map, you did your job!

because i was having a bad day, they only wanted to go to nearby El Segundo, but still, it was a $20 fare that even with horrible traffic only took 26 minutes to complete. if i hadnt been exhausted i woulda gone to the airport and made 15 bucks driving someone from a hotel to town, but i couldnt risk that they would have wanted to go to first friday whereby i would have begun weeping right there behind the wheel.

today is saturday. my favorite day. it is a tough day because everyones gonna wanna go to the beach and the beach traffic will be bad and the surge will go up because the drivers will avoid it and then the dumb drivers will flood it causing more traffic and lower rates

and i swear i will not be one of those fools.

i will sit patiently in beverly hills, with my engine off, reading a good book, waiting for a proper Uber Plus call to come in, take 7 of those at an average of $25 a ride and make just as much money in far less time,

using way less gas.

i will not be tempted by the shiny thing i can barely see.