the olden times

the olden times

there are some things i miss about the olden days:

arcade parlors, mtv, less than a buck a gallon gasoline, record stores, afros, harry caray

things that im thrilled are around nowadays:

the internet, wifi, dvrs, $400 55″ lcd tvs, 99cent jack in the box tacos, text messaging, blogging

when i think about LA i usually think about the things that arent here any more, which is weird, because it dont think that about my wallet or heart, why would i care about westwood?

but i do, and i talk about it all the time, and some people who were here when it was happening understand

but about just as many dont. they say f westwood.

in fact the most LA response i get is,

“can you imagine the traffic if westwood came back?”


in the olden times ppl loved crowds.

and hats.

that night the ramones did a tom waits song on letterman

When I’m lying in my bed at night
I don’t wanna grow up
Nothin’ ever seems to turn out right
I don’t wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That’s always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don’t wanna grow up
I don’t ever wanna be that way
I don’t wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That they’d never want
The only thing to live for is today
I’m gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don’t wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don’t wanna grow up
I don’t wanna have to shout it out
I don’t want my hair to fall out
I don’t wanna be filled with doubt
I don’t wanna be a good boy scout
I don’t wanna have to learn to count
I don’t wanna have the biggest amount
I don’t wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I don’t wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don’t wanna grow up
I’d rather stay here in my room
Nothin’ out there but sad and gloom
I don’t wanna live in a big old tomb
On Grant Street

When I see the 5 o’clock news
I don’t wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don’t wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don’t wanna put no money down
I don’t wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don’t wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don’t wanna grow up

last night i unplugged, i put the phone in the living room of the guest house

mexican kissesi just let the kittens run around my room,

i unplugged the laptop and just watched tv.

i could hear the phone ring in the distance, but i was all, tonight you unplugg

for once in your life, just watch the movie.

so i did and it was nice and afterwards i wrote a blog post.

then i got up to make myself a sandwich and i passed my phone and i saw two texts

one was from jeanine, which was sweet, she does want my brian wilson tickets which im more than happy to give to her because she loves loves loves his music and him.

and the other was from ali, who was all, theres cool people over at this party who would be happy to see you

and it was two hours ago.

so i wrote back, it was midnight, was it still happening?

she said yeah get over here. so i ubered over. and she was right, i loved all the people

and weirdly enough they loved me right back.

two of them said that the first time they ever wrote for someone was for me at LAist

and now theyre kicking booty as pros.

i barely tasted the whiskey i was so happy inside.

we talked and talked and talked about britney spears.

we all had many sweet things to say about her. and vegas.

someone had made homemeade chocolate chip cookies.

when it was done katie said to everyone,

text me when you kids get home, now.

this is my txt.

saw “I Am Big Bird” tonight

big bird


there were good parts, dont get me wrong.

and its super interesting that one guy is responsible for pretty much all the things we love about

Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

and its amazing that that one dude is in his 70s and still doing it all the time even though it’s physically demanding and you have to do it in a suit while looking at a little tv set while you have one hand up in the air.

and the story delves into some interesting dark moments

and the guy is super awesome: lively, creative, loving, sensitive, adventurous, and a great dad

but still, something was missing.

who knows, maybe i just mean in me.

throwback thursday morning

6850 DPshe wasnt the prettiest girl but i wasnt neither.

she climbed over the sweaters and remote controls and made her way above my face.

what time is it, i asked, she said who cares. so i clapped my hands twice and the christmas lights added some color to the formerly pitch black room.

she asked did you like? i said, whats not to like?

she said did you love?

which is a strong word even for someone like me who throws around other four-letter words like it aint no thing

because in the grande scheme of things, tis no thing but an onion ring.

so i said oui.

she wasnt buying it.

when was the last time you really really really loved something? she whispered into my ear while manipulating my moneymaker beneath the duvet.

i thought and i thought and i had to go back in time.

but was that love love, i questioned? was it lust? was i beyonce in love? was it all a cabaret old chum?

i said i loved seeing ac/dc in coachella while wearing an ac/dc shirt and shorts and singing a long.

she said you shouldnt have to spend that much time remembering the last time you loved something.

every week you should have many things on that list.

you deserve it.

and i said i do?

and she looked me right in the eyes and said

i do.

there was a time when ladies were basically naked all the time

naked white ladies

which must have been something to see because the painters sure painted the hell out of it.

but what i like were the babies seemed to have more on the ball than they do now.

i never saw a baby from the olden times with a pacifier or a blanket that they were obsessed with.

there were no ipads blasting Dora the Explora to keep them occupied.

they were just naked and fat and basically short little humans.

what happened to us?

now there are clothes and jackets and ponchos and hats and scarves.

women wear the biggest scarves these days. they even have a name for the giant things,

although i cannot recall it.

Material is really all it is. huge swaths of stuff.

personally im glad we cover up a little nowadays. i get distracted by belly shirts and knee highs.

which i stopped wearing them.

had a bad day at work yesterday

artfelt like crying but the xbi tore that out of me.

ive probably cried like twice since 1984.

1984 of course being when the cubs lost to the padres in the playoffs while they were on the precipice of getting into the world series.

the lottery is up to $215 million and every now and then i pass by the house that i last cried in and i think about winning the lottery and buying the house

and tearing it down.

and then buying the house next to it to live in and putting a big pool in the hole where the crying house once stood.

but that would be wasteful.

may as well buy more reasonably priced homes and put orphans in there.

or air bnb and give the money to orphans.

but what i really want to do is start a rehab facility like the one jeanine got cured at.

and make it an affordable one for people who arent on welfare but who are also not rich gazillionaires.

jeanine was lucky that she had been out of work for so long because she qualified for lots of assistance and government funding. when conservatives talk about how much money we give to the poor and ignore how much we allow big businesses not to pay in taxes,

they overlook the fact that many of those programs put people on the right track again.

and since we live in a world where republicans can c-block pretty much anything they want to in congress, people like me have to win the lottery all the time, which is annoying because all i want is season tickets to the cubs

and for everyone who’s sick to get better because nothing is worse than feeling miserable and wanting to cry.

everyone knows youre not supposed to smoke in a man’s uber

dave smokingespecially when its an uber plus ride and the man’s mercedes pulls up to your country club to collect you.

but this guy wasnt everyone, he was special.

at least thats how he carried himself and how he talked to his groveling son in law.

the two had been playing golf with another pair of men who they analyzed on their way to a fancy hotel in the back of my car.

the younger man told his father in law quietly that he couldnt smoke in the uber

the older man held the cigar out of the window

and ashes blew all over the back seat and the carpet.

sand from the traps that had gathered in his shoes mingled with the ashes.

because uber plus rides are more expensive i play the sinatra channel

and when they’re over i inspect the back seat area for lost personal items

when i saw the sand and ashes i was grateful that we could rate our passengers.

it’s sorta a heads up to the next driver.

you’re not gonna really refuse a ride from anyone these days, but at least you know, oh, this guy is entitled

and thinks the world is his ash tray.

so you drive a few miles away and vacuum it up, and get a car wash.

and remember who you wont be when you grow up.

have i mentioned im a huge whiner

doingi turn on the plus and drive down sunset blvd. its crowded because of memorial day weekend and i dont expect any dings for a mercedes at 6:30pm in hollywood and i dont get any. didnt get any in beverly hills either so i kept moving west. circled around the village a few times and nothing.

then i get one from up near the freshman dorms at ucla.

way up there.

an asian guy and girl get in and i start the trip to see where we’re going and it says san gabriel, which is farrrr. i guess it will probably be $90.

they speak chinese to each other, him way more than her. and every now and then he’ll lean over and kiss her.

and then he goes off again. she listens.

on plus rides i have jazz going on. it seems classy enough for the more than double fare theyre paying. and it is a benz, so go with it.

and bonus: everyone loves it.

sometimes the old people sing along.

these two ignored it the whole time which was fine because some of it consisted of a 20 minute buddy rich solo.

san gabriel is east on the 10, east of east LA, keep going then get off on san gabriel blvd and head north for a few miles.

drop them off at a hot pot that doesnt look all that different than hot pots in ktown

but bro just spent $90 to get there and even if he takes uberx back, it’ll cost another $30-50 to get back.

something told me it was worth it.

it got my night going and it was a good night after all.

got home by 12:30 like a reasonable person. warmed up some boneless wings.

called it a night.