nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, May 23, 2015

    its becoming harder and harder to uber 

    rolling stones set list

    it’s their company so they can do what they want, but it’s weird to work for someone who

    straight up spends whatever time and money that they have to squeeze you

    and take as much as they can from you

    all while literally building robots to replace you so they can have All the money.

    i know this wont end well, which is sad because it started so nicely:

    they made billions, drivers made so much they upgraded their cars

    but now the demand for the higher priced rides are low

    and for some reason the company has flooded the market with drivers.

    i always knew the bottom would fall out but i never thought it would happen so quickly.

    and now ive got this big car payment and no real way to figure out a second side hustle.

    i always have wanted to make a magazine

    or write a real book

    or sell a screenplay.

    but all of that takes time and what i love about uber is if you have a good week,

    you get paid for it that Wednesday. right in your bank account.

    life is very weird. today i hit the road at noon

    got zero rides by three.

    here it is 6:15p and im gonna go out there again for a couple hours.

    lets see if some incredible magic happens.

  2. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  3. Thursday, May 21, 2015

    remember that time we got invited to the white house 

    obamaand we got all dressed up and you said omg lets bring the kids

    and i was all what kids?

    and you said OUR kids and i was like Them? they’re too little. they wont behave and they wont remember anything.

    and you said how many times are we gonna have this chance again. god sometimes i wonder about you

    and i said fine.

    so we dressed them up and you said that wasnt good enough so you ran to the store


    and came home and gave them Another bath

    and got them dressed and we went there

    and the president was super cool about everything

    and then when it was time to go, little sally was like

    no mommy im not leaving. no i like it here. NOOOOOOO!!!

    and the president was all, yeah i have that effect on some people

    and michelle was like seriously?

    and Bo the dog just casually strolled out of the room and down the hall

    and laid down next to the kitchen.

    and the secret service guy was all, i know yr xbi but we’re gonna have to get her out of here

    and i was all, if you tase her, no one will blame you

    and michelle laughed

    and obama laughed

    but i wasnt kidding.

  4. loved the new Mad Max movie 


    wednesdays are one of the days i try not to uber. so i went to the movies.

    everyone was raving about Mad Max: Fury Road, calling it the best action movie in a very long time.

    Rotten Tomatoes gave it an unreal 98% after 230+ reviews.

    it’s very hard to live up to such hype, but i gotta say, it was intense, a visual spectacle, creative, fun, crazy, weird,

    and totally worthy of the 98% rating.

    i can see why people are seeing it multiple times.


  5. Wednesday, May 20, 2015
  6. remember that time courtney opened for lana 

    and everyone was taking videos and photos from the back rows.

    i tried to tell them all, chill babies, there will be people up front taking photos and videos

    and they said, stop talking to us creepy old man.

    just then someone yelled at courtney

    “i love you!” the little voice said.

    mrs. cobain yelled back, “i love you too!”

    then she said, “i cant hear you I LOVE YOU TOO LITTLE FUCKING KID!”

    this video captures that lovely punk rock exchange

    courtney was the grizzled blast from the past with both something to prove (that she’s still relevant)

    and nothing to prove

    but meanwhile Lana strolled around the big stage like a pretty girl just waking from a dream

    talking to the deers in the forrest in her party dress

    having conversations with imaginary creatures who love her

    famous rock critic katie bain who loves all sorts of music doesnt love lana

    who knows why

    lots of people think shes manufactured and phony and usually im the one calling bs

    but for some reason i totally get lana

    she seems like a young stiffler’s mom.

    she seems like she would be fun at a party

    but would pass out early in the night

    just like me

  7. Tuesday, May 19, 2015

    maybe blogging isnt for anyone 

    zuliekai used to think that blogging was for everyone. everybody has dreams and ideas and interesting lives.

    after a while i thought, well thats all true, but not everyone is interested in telling the world about their lives. and dreams and insights and fears and concerts they went to and what its like to be a mom or a dad or an xbi agent

    or a former xbi agent.

    but as time goes on we all realize, we being bloggers of course, we begin to see that blogging isnt a sprint or a marathon, it’s a life sentence.

    marathons end after a few hours. but blogging never ends. you just keep typing keep writing keep telling the world veiled little wisps of secrets.

    and when youre a pillar of your community or when you have a good job that you wanna keep, the best bet is to keep your fool mouth shut.

    especially if youre zulieka, the sexiest blogger there ever was.

    she came into our lives mostly naked both physically and romantically. she even had a nude blog header of her shapely back and backside right there on the top of her site.

    and then what she wrote was equally revealing. and sensual and delightful. everyone wished they could write like her. myself included. top of the list.

    today i was notified by mr. 5chw4r7z that zulieka had let her domain expire. which doesnt mean the end. but it’s a good start to the end.

    blogging isnt easy. even for me. maybe its easy for raymi, maybe thats it. welch. xTx. maybe thats it. hell matt at metafilter even threw in the towel this year and he wasnt even blogging, per se over there.

    it can be a grind if youre doing it right. it can be scary. you have to use your inside voice more than you’d like to, which is why i have recommended secret blogs for so long.


    and that is the sloppy french kiss of death.

    so rest in peace zulieka dot com

    for so many years my favorite among favorites.

  8. Monday, May 18, 2015

    lana del rey with courtney opening 


    1. courtney can still wail

    2. lana hates doing encores

    3. courtney shouldnta done that leonard cohen song

    4. these chatty bitches wouldnt shut up during lanas beautiful l cohen cover

    5. courtney does celebrity skin and then miss world to end her show

    6. lana refuses to do young and beautiful, which would be a great end to her show

    7. courtney made fun of everyone with flower crowns

    8. 89% of the crowd had flower crowns

    9. lana sold out the damn hollywood bowl

    10. tickets were double on stub hub

    11. even though i always feel like lana just strolls through her sets, a tad lazily, i will see her play any time she wants in LA

  9. Sunday, May 17, 2015

    rip dave 

    daveback in the early days of civilization, before everyone had televisions in their pockets

    you had to watch tv with your whole  family.

    one christmas i was at my grandparents house in southern georgia. we had eaten dinner, played cards, and after the ice cream had been served, a new show was to air

    late night with david letterman.

    i was excited about this because i had seen his short-lived morning show and it was fantastic.

    i clearly remembered one episode where there was a small marching band on stage next to dave and confetti was falling and a young lady was spinning  a flaming baton

    and as the credits rolled some of the falling confetti kissed the flame from one of ends of the baton

    and caught fire

    and as the credits rolled, a fire extinguisher blew it all out.

    i was all wha????

    that show lasted about a year and a year later there i was sitting in my grandfathers living room and i told him we gotta watch this new show and i was not at all disappointed.

    it was so not johnny carson but just as good, right off the bat.

    everyone loved johnny, myself included, and it wasnt even that johnny was losing steam or anything, he was the essence of class and still had it.

    dave was the opposite of that. but not in a rude way, in almost a cable-access way. and proud of it. still it was like who the hell gave this guy a show.

    which, by the way, was basically my grandpas reaction. he didnt even reward it enough by falling asleep to it in his recliner that winter night.

    he took off his glasses, got up, and retired for the evening.

    which to any teenager was a golden seal of approval.

    dave did shows in hotel rooms, he wore a sweater. paul was in the bed next to him, on a synthesizer. he threw stuff off the roof. he had good bands on.

    but best of all dave wasnt a disgusting sellout suck-up fake.

    you could see that from day one and here he is at the end of his incredible run and he never became one.

    jay and dave

    unfortunately you cant talk about dave without talking about jay

    the judas

    before jay did the one thing he knew he should never do,

    he would come on late night and tell funny jokes with an edge

    some of the funniest were the ones about jay being pissed off about something.

    dave would tee it up by saying, now jay i hear theres something youre a little upset with

    and jay would play it up with a deep voiced, are you saying i have a beef, something stuck in my craw? well yes, dave, i do.

    and he would tell some good jokes.

    the fact that dave had jay on dozens and dozens of times and then jay stole the tonight show from him still baffles me.

    and whats worse about that whole thing is once jay stole it, he brought nothing to it.

    his best bits were howard stern rip offs.

    meanwhile dave had innovated late night right before leno’s eyes.

    how do you just rob a man of his one true goal?

    but in a weird little way, dave not getting his obvious reward made him even more the everyman we always loved about him.

    they pelted us with rocks and garbage.

    weird as he was, you could always relate to dave, in part because so many of us had watched him grow into the staple that he was.

    meanwhile jay was this terribly bland sideshow that reminded us that ratings sometimes just means lowest common denominator.

    drew on dave

    deep down all you want is the coolest girl to notice you

    and say hi.

    bye dave.

  10. Friday, May 15, 2015

    ask tony: would you sell the busblog for $625,000? 

    veronica sawyer

    I get asked a lot of questions on Facebook. I will answer a few of them here.


    Ben Welsh asks: Would you sell the busblog for $625k?

    This summer the busblog will turn 14 years old. There are over 10,500 posts on here. Some of them are even good.  If someone were to buy this blog for that sum they’re basically paying $60 a post. That’s a ton of dough.

    Although I would feel a little sad to hand over control of this url to someone with those sort of deep pockets, not only would I make that deal in a heartbeat, but I’d throw in the matching instagram and twitter accounts too.

    And then buy a little house with the money. The house the busblog built.

    What would the new blog be called? flyingcarblog, of course.

    Roy Jürgens asks: Tony, are you a digital czar?

    There are very few people i’d deem as Digital Czar-worthy. My old bosses, Meredith, Jen and Jake, for sure. My current boss, Josh, definately. But who else? Are there other people who truly think digitally in a creative way that isn’t full of BS and solely about the numbers? Those people are super rare and usually get plucked to do other things. Jason Goldman is now the digital czar of the White House. His heart is pure, so add him to the list too. But it’s a very short list and until I accomplish something truly noteworthy I do not belong.

    Mary Schneider asks: Do you ever get heartbroken?

    In order to have your heart break your heart has to be in it. My heart is in it all the time, which I don’t advise because I’ve noticed the less you’re into it the more the other person becomes into it.

    Even though it’s terrible when your heart breaks, if it is a clean break you can bounce back very quickly. The worst my heart has broken in the last 4-5 years, let’s say, it was such a horrible but clean break that I only had to grieve for like 72 hours and then I was back in the saddle again. That doesn’t mean I still don’t think about her or care about her, but it was obviously over, so what good would it be to obsess?

    When you read a really good book or get involved in a great TV series you end up missing all of those characters, but when it’s over you’ve gotta move on otherwise you’re one of those creepy fanboys writing fan fiction on Tumblr and not living a real life.

    We only get a few spins around the sun.

    Make em count.