what do i look for in a wife


shes gotta love pop
shes gotta love television
shes gotta love movies
shes gotta think i look good with my shirt off
shes gotta realize i love a lot of weird and stupid shit
other than that
shes gotta be nice nice nice nice
or no dice

meanwhile, i will wheel our soda home from the circle k
cuz deep down im a gentleman

i have a secret phone in my house

mako and linda

hardly anyone knows the number. it’s a landline with no ringer and no answering machine.

the xbi taught us esp through a series of extremely painful exercises that we were forced to practice all the years that i was in santa barbara.

that phone is a baby step between esp and an actual phone because in order for it to work someone has to dial it and i have to somehow psychically know that it’s ringing with very few prompts.

last night our sweet, long lost friend Linda, the former barefoot runaway, former navy submarine pilot, and former utah prison guard was on the other end of the phone and she said “im in hollywood next to the capitol records building, which way to your house?”

i said follow the north star turn right and then make another right and then an immediate right and i will be the guy in the robe and the cubs hat. it should take you 10 minutes.

and there she was. with her teenage daughter Mako who has grown up so fast she has already graduated high school and is on her next steps of studying zoology in either san diego, berkley or santa cruz.

linda at san nic

they had been at venice beach all day and were sun burned. they asked for aloe lotion but all i had was actual aloe but they refused it. we talked and talked and talked and mako is a delight and they both want to leave utah and move to LA and who can blame them. the only problem is you can buy a house in SLC for $120k and here that will barely buy you a Mercedes Jeep.

i was shocked (but not surprised) at how smart and wonderful mako is and how funny linda is especially about me sharing with her daughter what a firecracker linda was in college (see photo above) and how fascinating it has been to watch her mature into the greatest police officer and firearms expert in these 50 states.

linda is burned out though and wants to do something “peaceful and beautiful” which is sad because she would make the greatest private bodyguard for a famous actress because she fears nothing.

but she doesnt want that. she wants to grow flowers. so i suggested oxnard. and before i could tell her more about that the clock said it was time to go. so they got back into their rental car and drove to LAX where they were staying at a nearby motel and i was so sad that my esp was rusty and i hadnt known about their earlier calls during the weekend, as i would have given them my home and taken them to sushi and a movie.

next time they said! next time. mako is now on her way to Asia on a peace corps style good will mission for a month and then she will return. hopefully with Linda and we can do this right.

i am so blessed to have so many top notch friends who have turned into the greatest parents and people.

how did i get so lucky?

last week showed why you should never kill yrself

9EHjU1kso much can happen in just a day, let alone a week.

unfortunately for politicians and others who like to drag their feet it also shows how lame excuses are.

when someone wants to make things happen they usually can.

for some reason i have let my apartment sorta lay dormant in the decorations department.

did i think i was going to move or something? no.

i only have one string of christmas lights, hardly and pictures on the walls.

it’s been years since the xbi tore everything down in an attempt to rattle my cage.

maybe my cage was rattled.

we are all sensitive poets to a certain degree.

we all react weirdly when weird things happen.

the politicians and justices who grew up 50 years ago when gays pretty much had to stay in the closet and confederate flags flew everywhere they wanted

probably never thought theyd see this day where equal rights for all really meant equal rights for all

except for symbols of hate.

so i sorta understand mike huckabee saying who cares what the supreme court says.

although thats not the thing youd expect from a presidential candidate or a preacher, especially when the good book says for us to follow the laws of the land.

and love our neighbor.

and not to judge.

but then again maybe huckabee is the lost sheep that we need to shepard over

and forgive.

and remind that we are all god’s creatures. every one of us.

who all deserve love. and are reflections of the Creator.

and just like we have grown and changed from the mud we once were in Genesis to the men and women we are today, God evolved in his thinking as well in the bible

and symbolized his new commitment to love us and protect us

with the rainbow.


the ever wise ashley rose once told me that im never satisfied

case closed

at the time she was 19 and i was in my 30s and some of my female friends would judgingly ask me

what could you two possibly talk about?

little did they know that we actually talked a lot about everything all the time

possibly because she was eerily insightful, particularly about the things she obsessed about

and for that little stretch of time it was me.

i thought of her last night as i was at the so-called N.W.A reunion

so-called because Dr. Dre chose not to attend

which made it an Ice Cube MC Ren DJ Yella reunion, which is nice but come on.

with Eazy resting in peace you really need Dre there even more and without him there,

well let’s just say that even with incredible seats, i was a pouty little disappointed man.

not even three huge beers helped.


it’s not wrong to want things. or expect what is being advertised.

but of the surviving members of Niggaz Wit Attitudes,

Dr. Dre is just as important as Ice Cube

and the fact that he took what he learned as their DJ and producer

and parlayed that into a legendary solo record and incredible post- NWA producing efforts

makes his fans want him to show up with the ganstas who got him there

that much more.

bus drinking water

his buddy snoop dogg was the opener for Ice Cube and MC Ren and Yella

yes snoop dogg, who probably would NOT be on the stage if it wasnt for Dre

snoop dogg, dre’s sidekick immediately after leaving the worlds most dangerous group

Dre’s “The Chronic” is just as much Snoop’s coming out party as it is Dre’s.

the only person missing was Eminem, and guess what, he doesn’t like to leave the house neither.

so yes i was disappointed

just hours after being hugely satisfied and thrilled about marriage equality becoming law.

it was nice to feel that feeling of satisfaction because it’s nice to know that im capable of it.

but man was it sad to be let down by and decent rap show at the basketball stadium.

Ice Cube


the girls were pretty

and the cookie tasted good.

im seeing N.W.A tonight, snoop dogg and kendrick lamar opening

nothing in here

picked up a pretty girl today while ubering and she wanted to hear hip hop

one thing led to another we start talking about how Ice Cube is headlining the BET Experience tonight

and he’s gonna rock out with DJ Yella and MC Ren

and maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe

Dr. Dre

(a dj on the mic, ask what its like its like we getting hyped tonight)


on one hand its Cube giving it up to the kids who love his music

but also in a month or two theres gonna be an n.w.a movie coming out

the one that suge knight was on the set of

when he got pissed at someone and ran him over with his escalade.

and will probably get life for murder.

so why not celebrate the worlds most dangerous group

in DTLA, killer seats,

on a saturday night in the


states of america


she said im flying to poland and i cant go.

i was all why are you doing that

she said im a model and i hardly ever get to go home.

i said how could i ever thank you

she said get me to the airport as fast as you can so i can get on the plane.

she told me the food in LA is terrible

too salty or two sweet.

i wanted to tell her about soul food, but she was on a roll.


ive seen ice cube once, maybe twice

snoop dogg once

kendrick once

and n.w.a never and i love them and they love you right back

and dr dre better get his black billionaire ass on that stage.

why am i so happy this morning?

gay marriage legalthe supreme court just legalized gay marriage across the land and i’m super stoked?


i have no skin in this game.

i dont even know any gay people


jk i know lots of gay people and i’m very happy for all of them.

but im happier for america and people who pay attention to america because this is exactly what this country is supposed to be about


today we have.

the cranky ass cranks on the right on the supreme court have outted themselves as being asswipes

calling people hippies

and turning their back on what this country was founded on: the pursuit of happiness, freedom, love, liberty, equality

not politics, not the bible, not conservative jibber jabber

and most of all, not big government.

so yes i am thrilled that restrictive, backwards, anti-american discrimination has lost yet another battle under Obama.

what a week it has been for the president: he busted with the N-word on a podcast, he passed his trade agreement, and now that he has “evolved” in his feelings about gay marriage – so has the court.

not bad for a half black lame duck with a republican congress.

let freedom ring, you beautiful hippies.

it is so ordered

now that Britney is single again, would i date her?

britneywhat do i care?

sure. fine.

i would do it for all the wrong reasons though.

i would do it to hang out in Vegas more.

i would do it to secretly compete against K-Fed.

i would do it to help her write her autobiography, which has to be fascinating.

i would do it to help her lose that weird fog that seems to be in her head and bring back that Louisiana spark plug who we all thought would be our spirit animal.

i would do it to help her make that pop-opera that we all know is inside her.

i dont want to change her. ok maybe a little. but the weird thing about Britney is she’s gone through tons of changes herself.

there was a time i wouldnt even consider dating her. i was way more an Xtina person. but now she seems boring.

Brit has never been boring. she has always kept it real. which is why im distracted by the haze.

i feel she needs to go back to making live videos.

she needs to do some heavy metal covers, but popped out.

likewise, some acoustic numbers.

i want her to surprise people at 1am at Bonnaroo, Jazz Fest, Lollapalooza.

people Love her and are rooting for her. but so many would never buy a ticket to one of her shows. fine. just appear places then. do 20 minutes of hits that the kids can sing along to

and dance to

and then peace out.

Bonus Britney

the tour.

yr welcome.

the more we become educated the harder it is to be a dumbass


but some are trying super hard 

last night i watched the 1947 Academy Award winning movie “Gentlemen’s Agreement”.

the title comes from an unspoken rule in some communities in the Eastern part of the USA

back in the day

where one homeowner promised his other homeowners that if he ever sold his house

he wouldn’t sell it to a Jew.

this film was made not long after Americans went to war to defeat the Nazis

and yet returned home to a nation that wasn’t killing our Hebrew friends,

but they were still discriminating against them in various ways including

having places like country clubs and fine hotels being Restricted

meaning Jews were not welcome.


what’s interesting is if Jews weren’t allowed, then for sure Blacks weren’t accepted either

other than to clean up, shine shoes, and dance, of course

even though nearly 100 years before WWII, Abe Lincoln freed the slaves

because every man was  “equal” to every other man.

on paper.


which is to say nothing of women.

who to this day, are still not equal to men, in several ways.

too many to list here.


what fascinates me about all of this is when i drive new Americans around LA

they tell me that they love the USA so much.

Saudis, Kuwaitis, Germans, Jamaicans, Swedes, Chinese…

they all tell me that this place is really the country it’s advertised as being

it’s free.

you can do what you want.

you can be who you want.

you can smoke, drink, have sex, have dreams, be alive

you can spread your wings without fear of having them cut off.

and of course, everything is a matter of perspective.

and i wonder when that honeymoon period will wear off

and they realize that this beautiful country is


just as backwards as where they fled from.

and in some ways, worse, because we should know better.

and we have seen firsthand that when you treat people different than you

like family

the results are usually wonderful.


most fascinating thing about Gentlemen’s Agreement?

it was greenlit by 20th Century Pictures head honcho Darryl Zanuck who was not allowed to join a prominent Los Angeles country club

because he was Jewish.

Hollywood, at that time, was run by Jews, it was believed by some.

and indeed, many of the studio heads at that time were Jewish.

but the irony was Zanuck was Protestant.

when he saw this discrimination first hand, he was inspired to make this movie.

The film was nominated for 8 Oscars, it won three: Best Picture, Director, and Supporting Actress

Zanuck himself accepted the Oscar for Best Picture.