nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, June 23, 2015

    the silver lake drug store is closing 

    drug storeand they didnt even ask me first.

    its on the corner of silver lake blvd and sunset.

    the Silversun Pickups named themselves after that corner right before they decided to copy Smashing Pumpkins.

    Tsar played next door at the Silverlake Lounge, as did the Grates and Those Darlins on my birthday.

    across the street there used to be a bad burger and pastrami joint which got bought by the dude who delivered a pizza at the Oscars

    he of course turned it into a wood fire pizza place called Wood but ive never seen one person in it ever except for the employees

    who look at each other and at the drug store and then at the ground.

    to the west is Silver Lake Ramen because the rule of that corner is you have to have the most obvious and dull names for your ish

    but the ramen place is good and packed and the hipsters cant get enough which is why sass and i were there the other day.

    little known fact about Sass, when she cries, it’s little tears that taste just like ramen

    tell her about a puppy who lost its way home and had to take a cab

    but when he got home the cabbie wouldnt accept his american express card

    so the puppy said oh my bad, and handed over a Visa

    but the cabbie said my credit machine no work: broken!

    and the puppy said i got no cash bro

    so the cabbie turned around and drove the dog back to where he picked him up.

    that’ll make sass cry.

    and closing a drug store with a huge sign that says Drugs will make me weep.

    but my tears taste like victory.

  2. Monday, June 22, 2015

    they say kids today have everything, i say they have nothing 

    vhsfirst boob i touched was pretty much the first boob i ever saw.

    sure i saw madonna’s in playboy, and maybe a few other in that mag, but that was basically it.

    then all of a sudden in the back seat of my grandmas car, my gorgeous 16 year old girlfriend lifted her sweater

    and my life changed.

    kids today have pron on their damn phones for pete sake. and what they show on tv, regular tv, would have launched a thousand ships way back in my day.

    ariana, taylor, nicki, charlie xcx – they make xtina and britney blush.

    kids dont go to the record stores any more. they dont get in fights at the blockbuster.

    it’s all delivered to them through their video game machines. like they earned it!

    the reason theyve turned their backs on network tv is they dont realize what a lifeblood that was to humans over the last 65 years.

    how important channels 2, 5, and 7 were.

    now its all about the youtube. instant access. immediate satisfaction. spontaneous disruption.

    but the biggest problem is theyre not bored any more. how could they be? they have everything (and nothing).

    back when i was at my grandmas house and i was bored i had to shoot pool in her garage or learn to putt or turn the entire downstairs into a pitch n putt golf course.

    kids today just stick their phones down their pants and snapchat a picture to a cheerleader and it’s game on.

    and those are the girls!

    when youre bored you learn how to play the piano, or the guitar, or edit video, or write a poem.

    when youre not bored you just do whatever the screen tells you.

    this is why there are no teenage guitar gods any more.

    this is why children by the millions dance to shallow robot sounds.

    this is why cuba is opening their doors.

    because they know no one will notice or care.

    cuba is saying heres our boobies, have at it.

    but theyre not doing it on youtube so they may as well be shouting it to the wind.

  3. maybe zulieka has it all figured out 

    zuliekamaybe the goal isnt to blog every day. maybe you should take all of may off and now most of june.

    maybe bloggers should just be mommies and daddies and call it a day.

    i know being a parent and a partner is hard and time consuming and it eats up your whole life – if youre doing it right. but you really dont have 20 minutes to write?

    how did tolstoy do it? mark twain loved his daughter, still he wrote.

    heather the rabbit reels off interesting tales.

    why not zulieka? the blogospheres sleeping beauty.

    last night i had ramen at silver lake ramen with sass. i took an uber over. uber pool. $4. i tipped the guy $2.

    as he and i chatted i realized he didnt understand anything i was saying.

    today when i emailed uber to see if they could start sending me my weekly summaries again – its been 8 months – i started to see that that guy didnt understand what i was saying either.

    am i in some weird bubble? am i in a dream and i think im awake but im actually dozing on my couch while trying to watch a movie?

    last night i was trying to watch Andy Griffith in the old film “A Face in the Crowd” but i kept falling asleep cuz it was midnight and im a very old person.

    is this really my life? shouldnt i be doing something more interesting? more important? is that was z is doing? something of more value than blogging better than everyone else?

    the cats are irritating me. actually only the boy. i used to like him better but now hes annoying. he puts his paw under my door at 4am so i throw a shoe at it. then a few minutes later he does it again so i storm to the door chase him around the living room and do the one thing i know he hates:

    i trim a toe nail.

    he struggles but i put a blanket over his head so he doesnt bite me.

    its traumatizing and guess what – he knocks that shit off.

    is that what ive evolved to? kitty trainer?

    seems like it.

  4. Sunday, June 21, 2015

    yesterday i had a really good day driving the people around the world 

    kourtney and kendallit started early. on fridays my real job has half days in the summer, so i was able to put in six hours of ubering and still have a decent personal life.

    i went to bed before midnight which meant i was up at 6am on saturday.

    also the cats were scratching at the door and some asswipe had his car alarm blaring.

    as jesse jackson once said at ucsb “where there is oppression there is opportunity.”

    so i ate a muffin, showered, read the paper and was out of the house at 7am.

    the goal for ubering that early is airport trips. on uber plus the rides can be about $50 to LAX which is still cheaper than cabs, and the ppl get to cruise in a sweet ass benzo. the driver gets about $35 and everybody wins.

    i like it also because theres no traffic and not a ton of competition because all the other dudes are snoozing because they drove all friday night.

    also theres no pukers.

    usually i drive up the sunset strip to pacific palisades in hopes of catching some of the hotel guests but ive rarely gotten any of those, weirdly, so i went down santa monica heading west.

    around Hancock Park i got a ping from a big house. first comes a lady with some luggage and after a while her husband appears. he looks like a pro soccer player: dark skinned, incredible shape, tattoos on his arms. they had a range rover and a porsche in the driveway.

    they talked to each other, i barely said anything during the 20 minute ride, which is rare, but early morning if a couple wants to talk to themselves, fine, i’ll just listen to the jazz i normally play on plus rides.

    we get to the mouth of LAX the woman says “merde, the flight is delayed.”

    they debate whether they want to sit in the terminal for two hours. here, for sure, im keeping my mouth shut.

    “take us back home please,” the woman finally says.

    we get back to their house, i take the bags out of the car, i think about giving them an offer to drive them back to LAX in an hour for a discounted rate, but theres no such option in Uber

    plus i dont know where im gonna be. so we shook hands, i told them, “sometimes these delays are times for them to fix something important on the plane.”

    they smiled. and i did too when i saw the fare was over $100.

    i went to mcdonalds to eat an egg white delight meal. the cashier guy said, are you a Cubs fan?

    i said, yes, are you?

    he said, no but i really respect their youth movement.

    is this real life?

    as i ate i left the phone on in the rare case that i got a ping, and half way into the sandwich it beeped.

    former supermodel heading to the mexican rivera and then europe.

    so glad i didnt commit myself to the soccer star.

  5. Friday, June 19, 2015
  6. Thursday, June 18, 2015

    jon stewart had no jokes today because racial violence 

    jon stewart

    the best news comedian in the world today had a very somber opening monologue

    he explained there would be no jokes because today wasnt a day he could joke

    stewart had some biting lines that were ironic and total bulls eyes

    but he was despondent because he knew they wouldnt change anything.

    we’re all doomed. americans. we’re just gonna butcher each other and never grow.

    for why? because some people are different than you. because perceived power.

    because jealousy, fear, idiocracy, and bad parenting.

    what sort of a man gives his son who owns an apartheid jacket at .45 for his birthday?

    what does he think hes gonna do with that gun: save lives or end them?

    God gave up on us once before. not because of sex, dont flatter yrselves

    but because of senseless moronic dumbassery and violence.

    gawker comments

    he probably thought to himself, i made them in my image.

    is that really me?

    thats disgusting!

    it is


    and it’s never gonna end.

  7. E3 is in town, which means a lot of foreign people are here 

    donald trump and neil youngthe good news is they tip when they get Ubers.

    the bad news is they think it’s ok to say things like “my friend isnt here yet, would you mind waiting 5 minutes?”

    why, yes, yes i would.

    heres my question: what makes you think i have nothing better to do than wait for you and your friend to get it together?

    heres my other question: why cant you wait for him THEN summon me?

    confusing. it almost makes me think that some people are selfish with their time and yet think i should be totally generous with mine. do people really act that way?

    finally, heres something they dont tell you much when you move from Uber X to Uber Plus: your rating is going to go down.

    i think this is because some people dont realize when they order a Plus and then get sticker shock when the fare is 2.5x more than they expected.

    even though they just took a ride in a super clean Mercedes Benz with water, cool jazz, and the greatest driver ever.

    when it comes time to rate they give me a 1 or a 2 because theyre pissed at the price.

    this week im at an all time low of 4.1

    while driving all the drunk kids around a year ago on Uber X i’d average a 4.9 or 5.

    needless to say this has not been the best Uber week for me.

  8. Wednesday, June 17, 2015
  9. Tuesday, June 16, 2015

    im super busy. no time to blog. 

    jessica chastain bryce dallas howard2ive gotta edit this one transcription. then edit another. then interview a super famous person. then write this other thing.

    one thing is due at the end of the day today.

    other thing is due at the end of the day tomorrow.

    the other thing has to be brilliant or else.

    if any of these things would have happened by themself, then id have been fine, but theyre all happening at the same time and its driving me nuts.

    meanwhile ppl are saying doesnt bryce dallas howard look JUST like jessica chastain?

    and im like no, ive seen them both in person and jessica chastain looks like shes from some other world of beautifulness

    and bryce dallas howard is just a pretty young ginger.

    but then someone showed me a bunch of pics of them and im all omg yes BUT I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS

    the truest mended my broken arms. so i ubered last night to great success thanks to E3. i even caught a Plus surge which never happens.

    it was surging for like 30 seconds and i caught it and had to go across town: $80, which is nothing for cabs but quite a lot for Uber.

    i suppose my stress, like that fare, is all relative. and i should just chill and eat my sandwich.

    my sandwhich artist said to me: you looked stressed. did you pray this morning?

    this morning, i asked? you pray in the morning?

    he said, yes, I pray at night about yesterday i pray in the morning for today.

    and i said, great, now im learning i dont even pray right.

    he said yes, but you tip well so c’est d’accord.

  10. Monday, June 15, 2015

    truest is now back on the road. sigh. 


    it’s amazing how it feels when someone who really truly loves you for all the right reasons

    and who is also an angel inside and out

    and who knows you for you and not some weird made up image.

    we parked a moving van on a busy street. we bought a box of 20 $5 sunglasses for $2 each.

    my cats immediately fell for her in beautiful (and insulting) ways.

    even jeanine seemed happier than normal which is tough because jeanine has caught the Spirit.

    so i said truest, move in with me, fix up my place. repair my heart. love these kittens.

    and she laughed and i said no seriously. and she said nah.

    but you can come up to oregon whenever you want and see me some time.

    and we watched john oliver last week tonight holding hands and laughing.

    and in the morning we said goodbye and she cried and i cried.

    then i cried some more.