the thing about my life is i tell zero percent of it here

maybe zero point one percent.

the problem is im very shy deep down. so shy it embarrassing.

youd think that someone who has written every day for fourteen years would just lay it all out there but how can i?

im taking a pretty girl out this weekend. who knows where. hopefully bowling.

i havent been bowling in so long. im a good bowler. i have trophies.

trophies from when i was a kid. trophies from now. bowling trophies.

its why the women want me.

i dont throw a hook. its not a straight one neither. it sorta drifts.

almost tricks the pins into thinking theres no way

but then theres a way.

i have my own ball.

the neighbors threw out two more and i rescued one.

so i have two balls. three if you count my first one which i never use.

today i took the richest woman id ever met to her summer home at the top of the beverly hills hills.

she told me she was russian and married a man from dubai.

we talked about tolstoy and jazz.

her mom laughed at my jokes but otherwise never said a word back there.

yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24

obama

we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

i should probably buy better clothes.

and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

it is nice to have someone in the white house who

isnt completely full of shit

isnt a total fucking knob

and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

and lying about it

at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

things i wish he would do more of:

television speeches

beer summits

interviews with howard stern.

you promised us change.

anyway, happy birthday!