nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, August 25, 2015

    some days i have nothing to say 

    kris bryant

    and then i’ll hear a neighbor being unreasonably loud in the early morning

    or i’ll get an angry email from a lost love

    or my cats will do something adorable and almost human like

    or some asswipe on my television will outdo themselves

    or my beloved chicago cubs will win a game with a bottom of the ninth home run

    or i’ll be totally inspired by something unexpected and beautiful

    or i’ll see it’s the anniversary of the day when a pretty girl was generous to me

    or it’ll be one of my heroes birthdays which will remind me of a time i saw them in concert and wept.

    one of the good things about being a million years old is you know how your body works

    you know how your mind works

    you know when the best times to do things are and how to do it and what will happen afterwards

    and so you try to do that all day but the interesting thing about the day

    is the day has a mind of its own

    and does not give one crap what you think

    and thats when the fun begins.

  2. Monday, August 24, 2015

    Grateful Dead to tour while fronted by John Mayer 

    dead and company

    Life is often wrong.

    Maybe it’s so we can appreciate it when it’s going well.

    The Dead, minus Phil, made a bad choice today. They don’t care because acid and money.

    Here’s who they should have gone on their 5 city tour with instead of Mayer.

    Tom Petty

    Eric Clapton

    Los Lobos

    Bob Dylan

    Jack White


    Wayne Conye

    Bono & the Edge

    David Gilmore

    Mark Knofler

    Elvis Costello

    J Mascis

    Richard Thompson

    The Donnas


  3. woke up this morning and the stock market was collapsing 

    uber on

    it had lost 1,000 points before i could even get the paper.

    my txt messages were streaming in

    sell! buy! hold! sell! buy! ifyoudoanythingyoureanidiot!

    one of my problems is im a sucker for deals.

    if anything is on sale i’ll be tempted. and if it’s two things, man.

    but 10 things?

    like 10 shares of apple for a grand?

    no way is that gonna stay at that price i thought.

    it’s apple. the gold standard.

    lolitathey “failed” with that stupid watch and things were still fine.

    theyre gonna win again. they’ll think something up.

    they’ll make a periscope or a “magazine” or a space ship.

    didnt i hear they were gonna get into the tv business?

    cars? car stereos? hoverboards? shape shifters?

    who’s coming to get em? Google? ha!

    whats Google done lately any good?

    theyre following the leader. theyre gonna make self driving cars too.

    good luck with that buddies. and get ready to get sued any time theres a car accident.

    thats your fault google, you built it, not mine?


    yahoo? no. one day Apple is gonna make a cheap version of their MacBooks and take the whole sector.

    same with phones. not everyone has a grand to spend on a computer.

    but 10 shares of stock? hmmmmm.

    no way those 10 shares arent worth twice that in a year.

    when they Have figured out the watch, and the tv, and the remote.

    i need an apple remote.

    i still have too many remotes.

    why isnt my phone my remote? why do i have this tv remote, my Roku remote and my cable box remote?

    where the fuck is Siri?

    Siri turn on the damn tv.

    You know it’s Wopner Time!

    damn girl.

    bought those shits at 100

    and held my breath as they rose to 109 and settled at 103.

    97 mo to go, ghost of steve jobs

    97 mo to go


  4. four years ago i was in an office writing about politics 

    trumpbut really i was writing about donald trump.

    back then he was obsessed over President Obama’s birth certificate.

    the thing im impressed about Trump is he was proved wrong about his concern about where the president was born, and yet it hasn’t hurt his popularity or perceived electability.

    many moons ago Howard Dean excitedly yelled funny and that disqualified him from being presidential.

    Trump is wrong all the time. laughably so. but conservative voters dont care. my question is: have they ever cared?

    they didnt care when W invaded iraq over WMDs and links to 9/11 that proved to be wrong. indeed, they re-elected him.

    they don’t care that so many of their leaders are wrong about climate change, the war on drugs, or how to tax the wealthy.

    all they care about is does that fucker have an (R) next to his name.

    will they keep the government away from their guns, will they fight the unfightable fight against abortions, and will they stop taxing us omg omg.

    these voters dont care if their anti-gay politicians turn out to be secretly gay. these voters dont care if their politicians are in the pocket of big business and provide them with more welfare than the poor.

    and weirdly, they dont care that their party’s politics hardly ever work.

    so here comes trump, a guy who recently supported Hillary Clinton, and they’re all about him.

    PLEASE KISS MY BABY! they cry.

    YOU HAVE WHAT WE ALL WANT! they scream

    (and whats that?)


  5. Sunday, August 23, 2015

    i listened to this song about ten times today 

    “that’s enough”
    by Dorothy Love Coates

    There’s always somebody talkin bout me, really i don’t mind
    They try to block and stop my progress most of the time
    Well the mean things you said don’t make me feel bad
    Cause I can’t miss a friend that I never had

    (I’ve got) I’ve got jesus and that’s enough (that’s enough) that’s enough
    When I’m sick (he’s there) and troubled (he’s there)
    When I call him he will answer my prayers (answer my prayers)
    When I’m burdened (he’s there) with a load (he’s there)
    That’s when Jesus is a comforter (to my soul)
    Well you may scorn me turn your back on me
    God’s got his arms wrapped all around me

    (I’ve got) I’ve got jesus and that’s enough (that’s enough) that’s enough

    You know there’s been so many times that I did’nt have a dime
    And i did’nt tell nobody but the Lord
    He heard my plea and came to see about me cause he’s one thing
    I can afford
    So if you push me down he’ll pick me up
    And he’ll stick by me when the goin’ gets tough

    (I’ve got) I’ve got jesus and that’s enough (that’s enough) that’s enough
    Well he’s the great emancipator and my heart regulator (Jesus is)
    yes he is
    He’ll make my way brighter and my burdens lighter yes he will
    (Jesus will)
    Well you may scorn me turn your back on me
    God’s got his arms wrapped all around me
    And he fights down the devil till he makes him give up
    And thats wnough (that’s enough) that’s enough
    When I’m sick (he’s there)

  6. pretty girl direct messaged me the other day 


    she was all, lets meet up.

    i was like, ive heard that before.

    she went, no, i mean it, how about that taco stand by yr house

    i said, are you a computer program?

    she said beep bop beep

    i didnt drive much this week because of my hands. they feel old.

    about every seven years they start freaking out.

    the other day i picked up a stapler and all of this pain shot to my left thumb.

    it felt like it was all of the pain in my hands and arms just moved to the pad of the thumb.

    xbi emailed me and said whoops, we’re experimenting on something

    theyre obsessed with pain

    they said, hopefully we can focus it all in one spot and then slowly shrink it till it’s unnoticeable.

    ben gay didnt work. my wrist bands didnt work. it was too small.

    felt like i had burned my thumb on a hot plate at a sit down mexican restaurant.

    that was the only pain all day that day. and then the next morning.

    this morning i got an email with the subject header of xbisolation

    saying, should be gone in an hour

    and then it was gone in an hour.

    so yeah, i think i’ll have some tacos with that chick.

  7. Friday, August 21, 2015

    LA is a city on the planet and the NYT is on it! 

    terrible tweetheres the problem with the New York Times, they have this foolish desire to cover Los Angeles.

    actually that desire isn’t terrible unto it self, but what’s dumb is they take new yorkers and move them to LA and have them write about it AS IF THERE ARE NO ACTUAL LOCALS WHO COULD DO IT BETTER.

    case in point, adam nagourney, who is the NYT’s LA bureau chief, who today blocked me on Twitter (?!) because I called him out on his shitty non-story about some new Sunset Strip hotels and his shittier tweet to hype it (above).

    the thesis of his far-too-long piece is OMG THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOUSE OF BLUES WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SUNSET STRIP and guess what, guys, THEYRE BUILDING A LUXURY HOTEL !!!!11!1

    anyone who has lived in LA for more than a handful of years knows that the House of Blues was not a go-to club. it was a place you reluctantly went to because Bad Religion or Social D or GWAR was going to play there. Maybe you’d take some out of towners there to see Steel Panther or the Gospel Brunch.

    on the raaaaare occasion someone actually good would be there, but for the two dozen or so times that I’ve been there my favorite show was probably when Britney Spears did a 15 minute comeback lipsync secret show there billed as the M+Ms.

    at it’s heart, House of Blues was a corporate chain that eventually got bought by the most corporate of all chains, Live Nation, who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing called Ticketmaster.

    dudeONLY the NYT would try to make us shed a tear over a mediocre club owned by Ticketmaster being razed to build a high rise hotel.

    by the way, none of this has to do with The Doors, who played in LOTS of places in LA a half century ago, and yes one of the venues they rocked was The Whiskey which is a curvy mile away. Big whoop. (also the strip hasnt been “gritty” in decades.)

    If a local journalist would have written about it instead of someone who parachuted  in a couple of years ago, it might have been about how a) no one really loved that club anyways b) how after seeing the renovation of the Riot Hyatt into the Andaz across the street from the HOB and the ongoing success of the Mondrian next door or the Standard two blocks away OF COURSE a ticket corporation like Ticketmaster who actually doesn’t care about music would turn their club into a luxury hotel and c) this is more proof that the Sunset Strip is less about music (that trend has been moving east to Echo Park and DTLA since before poor adam moved west) and more about luxe.

    instead NY Adam interviews a nearby hotelier who claims the sky is now falling (because omg competition) and the Roxy’s Nic Adler who rightfully says this is a non story. BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVER BELIEVE THE SON OF THE MAN WHO HELPED PUT ROCK ON THE MAP ON THE SUNSET STRIP?!

    instead let’s publish another trend piece about LA that people in LA will laugh about because as Curbed LA wrote perfectly earlier this yearNew York Times stories about Los Angeles are amazing because they’re like seeing the city through the eyes of a dorky time traveler from 1992.”

    add one more to the list, boys, but be careful, nyc adam might omg block you from the twitters.



  8. Thursday, August 20, 2015

    dear tony, what do you do when things look utterly dire? 

    girl falling

    first, start by knowing that when you die you go to Heaven.

    second, start watching sports.

    what we love in sports is the team who comes back from an impossible deficit, with their star or unlikely star on the ropes, partially injured, undersized, outclassed, who no one believes in anymore

    who makes magic happen when it matters.

    and wins by a narrow margin.

    no one loves the blowout. no one cares for a team that starts strong and finishes strong.

    even the angels and saints want drama, despite what you want.

    speaking of… third, read the bible.

    theres all the stories about david and goliath, but that’s a red herring because david was never the Everyman, he was a superstar with no peers from the get go.

    the better stories are the ones like shadrach meshach and abednego who straight up Trusted the Lord and stayed true to who they were when they were led into the fiery furnace.

    always stay true, ponyboy.

    it’s easy to whine, it’s easy to say oh woe is me, it’s easy to say damn it sure feels like forces are lining against me, but fuck that. life could be a million times worse. theres people with missing limbs, theres people who have babies and the babies are all effed up. theres people who have terrible things that have happened to their faces and brains and imagine what it is like for them to try to find a job

    or try to get a girl to go with them to the dance or even a hay ride.

    crappy as things might be for you, odds are you could find someone to go on a hayride with you.

    start there.

    then remember if parts of life weren’t tough we’d never have poetry or shakespeare or hbo or rage against the machine.

    winter IS coming, fyi

    are you just gonna sit there and whimper and look over at your neighbors green grass and envy what you think is going on over there.

    i’ll tell you whats going on over there

    none of your business is going on over there.

    you have your own life to deal with, and it’s a full life, and it’s yours.

    you are bigger than your struggles.

    you have a terrible flu, youre in utah, and you have the ball.

    do you really want to be known as the black dude who lost a basketball game in utah?

    or do you wanna be known as one of the three bad brothers who casually danced into the firey furnace

    and then breakdanced inside it?

    theres a reason you learned how to pop lock

    theres a reason the Good Lord smiles when He hears your name.

    theres a reason when you walk down the street all the little pretties wave their hand.

    it’s because you can pull off the crazy ass shit

    with style

    that no one thought was even possible.

    which makes them believe They can.

    so if you ever feel like giving up on yourself,

    remember you’re giving up on them as well.

  9. Wednesday, August 19, 2015
  10. you never know what other people are going through 

    motel suckswhen i drove Uber X my biggest issue was being patient waiting for passengers to get out of their damn houses and into my car.

    at first they could spend all day getting in there and there was nothing we could do. then last year Uber made a new policy saying that if the passenger didnt get into the car after 5 minutes of us arriving at their door we could cancel the ride and charge them $5.

    with Uber Plus the penalty is $10. for some reason Uber figured out how to take $2.50 out of that fine for their own pockets meaning we got $7.50 for arriving somewhere and waiting 5 minutes and then bailing.

    usually it’s not worth canceling because you can make more money driving the person than you can canceling on them. especially if it is surging, which it was the other day as i waited

    and waited and waited outside a swanky beverly hills home which had a Land Rover and a Bentley in the driveway.

    the UberX surge was 1.9 which is a little below the rate of Uber Plus but i like to take my X people around a few times a week because they bring a different sort of energy to the ride and we often drive to very different destinations than my Plus ppl.

    i shoulda known i was in trouble when the passenger called me immediately after i accepted her request and she asked me “how long will it take for you to get here?”

    i told her 1 minute, which I thought pleased her.

    after four minutes of waiting at her driveway i called her back. she said she’d be right out. four minutes after that I looked and saw the 1.9 surge was still happening, meaning I could cancel her, make $4 (it was UberX) for canceling and pick up someone else who had it together.

    but i thought, those cars are hella expensive. im a block away from Rodeo. no way is this woman wanting me to take her up the block for a minimum fare. so i waited a few more minutes when she finally came out.

    very high heels which she had trouble walking in. short dress. frown on her face. oh boy. i shoulda canceled, i thought. ALWAYS CANCEL my head said.

    but i didn’t. because im nice. and you know where nice guys finish.

    guy smokingshe gets in and tells me we are going to west LA. about a $14 ride. so it was worth the wait.

    soon as we get rolling she tells me that the house was her boyfriends house. he is 60. she is 30.

    she tells me that they are breaking up because she found out, via his phone, that he is dating some other girls via a website. he became upset with her for sneaking that info out of his phone. she replied by saying, she wasnt the one at fault: he was.

    he said, why would you ever go into my phone?

    she said his house is so big that she has her own bathroom. it’s pink. he calls it the Girls Restroom.

    she told him, “i found a tampon, a used one, in the garbage in the Girls Restroom!”

    he asked, “how do you know it wasnt the maid?”

    she said, “the maid IS THE ONE WHO EMPTIES THE TRASH!”

    finally he admitted that he was using the website to take young women to dinner but nothing ever happened. that she was his boo. that she was the only girl who was his girlfriend.

    but when she said that is ridiculous, that she was old enough to know when a man was cheating on her, she decided to break up with him.

    so that morning she went to his house to get her stuff.

    and the reason it took her so long to get out of the house was because he wasn’t letting her pack. he was saying “no, sleep on this decision, you’ll regret it because i will never let you come back if you move your stuff out.”

    so as i was waiting patiently she was crying, her heart was breaking, and all she wanted was to be able to pack her things and go.

    which made me very glad that i didnt cancel, because then i would have been an extra $5 charge in her life that would have added to her pain.

    i dropped her off and told her she was too young and too pretty to put up with such nonsense. move on. there are plenty of rich and not-so-rich guys out there who would never cheat.

    seek them out instead.

    and she cried some more and said thank you.