suicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.
i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.
everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”
and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.
and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.
the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.
things did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.
we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.
we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.
but no one sees what we’re seeing.
holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?
and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.
what is the soundtrack repeating?
is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?
or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?
does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul
striking at the worst moments
thumping when we should be laughing
slicing us with a million cuts?
its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.
we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and
to be reflections of heavenly love.
when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.
try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.
so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone
in honor of Cathriona
and love will have the last word.