busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 30, 2015

    jim carrey’s girlfriend killed herself, she was 28 

    Cathriona Whitesuicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.

    i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.

    everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”

    and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.

    and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.

    the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.

    jim carrey and his ex girlfriendthings did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.

    we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.

    we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.

    but no one sees what we’re seeing.

    holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?

    and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.

    what is the soundtrack repeating?

    is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?

    or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?

    does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul

    Cathriona Whitestriking at the worst moments

    thumping when we should be laughing

    slicing us with a million cuts?

    its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.

    we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and

    to be reflections of heavenly love.

    when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.

    try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.

    cant.

    so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone

    in honor of Cathriona

    and love will have the last word.

  2. Tuesday, September 29, 2015

    sat in the parking lot of a 7-11 last night with the windows rolled down 

    eating a doritos taco from taco bell. pretty girl next to me ate popcorn.

    we were listening to van halen because for some reason her “school” hadnt taught her about eddie van halen, david lee roth, alex van halen and michael anthony from chicago.

    eddieshe asked me for a primer on the band before we go and see them this weekend and i was all, wow where do i start?

    i guess its gotta be van halen one and eruption which lead into their kinks cover and aint talkin bout love. but what about running with the devil? gotta throw that in there.

    and the sweet Ice Cream Man with its suprise ending.

    next we move to van halen II with dance the night away and beautiful girls

    at this point i couldnt tell if she was getting it or bored.

    im a boring person. so are summer nights in the 80s at 11pm.

    women and children first gave us the turbo jet guitar sounds of “and the cradle will rock” and the jungle drums in “everybody wants some” and who could pass over “could this be magic” which includes the title of the album.

    we never made it to fair warning because im irresistible and she had to drop her popcorn and make out with me next to the huge sign advertising a large pizza inside the 7-11 for $6.

    yes, $6.

    i was so ready to tell her about 1984 with jump, panama, hot for teacher, drop dead legs, and ill wait, which to me is the end of the van halen story

    but rarely do people want to know when a good tale pretty much ended over 30 years ago.

    way back before this pretty girl was even borned.

  3. Monday, September 28, 2015

    the nexus chilled with the nexus yesterday and all was well 

    12032130_10153618951328057_542268171033321702_n

    several eras of the daily nexus ate pizza, drank, and chatted with each other. some of us gave advice.

    12037995_10153618951448057_932379079127308906_n

    my advice to the kids: stop going to classes, break up with your boyfriends and girlfriends, quit your jobs and devote the rest of your college life to the Nexus. they laughed, but i wasnt kidding.

     

    12042923_10153618951033057_6863724730533473734_n

    barb and elspeth were there with hugs for me to give to jeanine which was very nice. barb let us know that the desks that were still in the office were rejects from AS from the 70s.

    12043165_10153618951068057_1799782657460011369_n

    current EIC Emile, former EIC Amy and Barb posed while Todd Francis did his best Grumpy Cat

    12047136_10154180027874186_3278583959808227798_n

    the Babes of the Nexus posed in front of all of the bound editions that told our whole story

    12065749_10153618951253057_3158110236662354988_n

    the UCen was open and had some weird propaganda poster AS IF the kids dont know where the bookstore is

    12065975_10153618951118057_4375508400038695673_n

    Michelle and Doug hadn’t seen each other in decades someone told me, but that cant be true, but maybe it can be since Dougie has been in Prague since the 90s and Michelle has been in Mexico, FLA, Minnesota and now back in Cali.

    12043195_10153618950983057_6219245893566427846_n

    i told the current Nexus editors that i wasnt kidding: quit everything, dedicate your life to rock n roll and you too can wind up a bald man with clashing plaids and the greatest friends in the world. i also told them they need to be Periscoping the F outta DP and UCSB and that little bit of advice i have a feeling they might actually accept.

    roundtable

    in summary, even though it was delightful turnout, dont you think Nexus reunions should be about 50x more people? am i the only one who was touched forever by this amazing newspaper? if this was a football school we would have shown up for the dumb football team, but it’s a newspaper school. the best in all the land. yes it was fantastic that my era showed up in big numbers but what about all the other eras? have they all forgotten about where they came from? it’s a mystery to me.

    storke tower

    afterwards i went to the bookstore to get some ucsb swag and i got a text that joe kovach was on the phone at the office and wanted to talk to me. so i dropped everything and ran back across Storke Plaza and wow, i hadnt talked to him in a verrrry long time. he told me kudos for this and that and i told him kudos right back joe. i feel like we should buy a coke machine that dispenses little 10 oz bottles so he can keep it stocked. seeing him do that back in the day was one of my favorite memories.

    later the kids told me about some of the party games that they play now and it made me very happy.

  4. Sunday, September 27, 2015

    this was a good weekend 

    arrow

    ate sushi with a pretty girl who let me hold her hand in the uber

    saw a rap legend pull off performance art with a different pretty girl whos never looked better

    drove up the prettiest coast in the whole wide world on a lazy sunday in a luxury vehicle

    arrived at the worlds greatest college newsroom and people knew my name

    laughed at some of the best jokes in said newsroom delivered by the great todd francis

    ate in n out while driving home at high rates of speed as the sun set

    and the super moon prepared to be eclipsed.

    we will all be eclipsed said the moon

    it’s the perfect time for a costume change

  5. kanye west played the hollywood bowl last night 

    IMG_3156

    it wasnt just any show, he did “808 and Heartbreaks” all the way through, with an orchestra and chorus

    why? it wasnt an anniversary, he hadnt just released a remix, it wasnt like he just won an award for it.

    KANYE DID IT BECAUSE KANYE WANTED TO DO IT

    IMG_3152

    and he made it snow while he was doing it. even though it was close to 90 degrees up in the beautiful canyon.

    IMG_3159

    it was weird and wonderful and a lot like a fashion show and an art show and a greek drama and what it must have felt like for the jews when Moses delivered his Sermon on the Mount, except funkier

    kayne's cast of thousands

    and with a cast of thousands.

    with guest stars sexy C3P0 lady + spinning stairs to nowhere + starring ladies who just stared

    and lady in the very back of the bowl who just raised her arms

    zoe kravitz in the back of the hollywood bowl during kanyes 808 and heartbreak show

    and very special guests Autotune and random Fireworks

    IMG_3168

    thank you Bree for thinking of me when you realized you had an extra golden ticket

    that was so funnnnnnnnn!

  6. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    on this day on the busblog in history: 9/26 

    free chorizo2001: today i hate the bus. today i want to get a car. today i want to flush out everything bad in my life. i want to flush everything that isnt perfect out of my life. i want to earn twice as much, i want to wear half as less. i want to grow my hair twice as big and dye it red or just bleach it. im not happy. i was late to work.

    2002: do i, sometimes, have a hard time accepting Really Good in my life?

    no.

    not me.

    2003: tsar came down from the heavens last night in eastern hollywood to deliver the good news and layeth the smackdown and they cranked their shit to eleven and pretty much busted the eardrums of anyone within the first fifty rows and i just stood there like heston infront of the burning bush turning grey overnight and i have seen the light and its letters flash t s a r, for the big bad wolf is knocking at your door modern rock alternative radio and he has dyed his hair shit brown and hes coming for whats his and you better give it up or he’ll spin that fckr to twelve.

    2004: there was a time when when people talked about the xbi they talked about guys without vests on, without nightvision, and without fear. guys so tough they wrote their phone numbers on the ass cheeks of the worst guys they caught, so when the cops found them hogtied and defeated they would know who to thank.

    2005: so the little bird, the baby bird, so tiny it had yet become blue did what any little bird would, he walked into the forrest

    and hid in the shadows.

    until he fell asleep,

    shivering in his own sweat.

    2006: now i write you from tom’s living room in Pittsfield, MA after watching his tivo and drinking his children’s apple juice. western mass is gorgeous and sunny and americana to the maxima. i want to put it in a pie and eat it.

    sunset junction street fair 2007

    2007:  well according to these records you wouldnt have seen the weekend if we hadnt intervened.

    he reverse esped her to see if he could.

    let me show you my bra.

    nothing in there is true.

    stop trying to do whatever youre doing. stop trying to be in control. control is an illusion. this path isnt yours because your path is a finale and there is a long way left for you to do for us so knock it off.

    and she injected the venom and it felt cold after a minute and then warm and then shocking.

    2008: the edison is so popular on weekend nights that they wont let you in if you dont have a collar on your shirt or if you have jeans (if youre a dude), or if your not super hot (if youre a babe). ok that last part might not be 100% true but it sure seems like it.

    2009: the day katie couric destroyed glenn beck’s career

    sound of music2010: went to the Sound of Music singalong with the truest

    2011: first lets talk about the crazy ass stuff i have seen at McDonalds here in Quebec.

    the beheaded Ronald McDonalds asking for money was a petite troubling but it didnt stop me from eating francais fries

    Ok, now someone asked whats a Quarter Pounder called in French. The answer….

    2012: canada reared its beautiful head into baseball news today when cy young winner

    eric gagne from pots and pans protest montreal quebec told espn

    that 80 percent of his teammates out here in LA were taking illegal performance enhancing drugs. this from a man who himself admitted to taking illegal substances in order to compete.

    when the news came out several bloggers emailed me asking that i wouldnt squeal on them.

    human growth hormones of course are part of the blogosphere what with repetitive strain injuries, carpal tunnel, and writers block, it isnt easy to maintain a prolific and profitable life as a blogger.

    thus drugs are tempting.

    2013: but it is hard to look at a kickass swimming pool

    or a shiny car with a Star Wars dashboard

    or a puppy smoking a cigar with a kitten being dealt blackjack by a baby mule with a garter around his bicep

    and not say, why yes, I want that.

    2014: two things: why is it that our electrical grid is so sensitive that entire states can be wiped out due to human error?

    and how come the second busiest airport in america can be crippled because of one stinking fire?

  7. aaron asks, i have abandonment issues, please help 

    van halenDear Tony,

    Ever since i was a child i have had abandonment issues. THe anxiety only manifests when people cancel their plans on me. Then I spin out of control. Heavy depression followed by waves of sadness. Recently I have been seeing a woman who cancels on me all the time. When we do hang out it’s quite pleasant. But out of the blue she will cancel on me after saying yes repeatedly. She gives the weirdest excuses. IT makes me feel very very bad about myself. It’s impossible for me not to take it personally. What should I do?

    Aaron aka Loser

    Kind Aaron,

    we all have our own quirks. hers might have nothing to do with you. on the other hand she might really hate you and can never figure out a way to blow you off properly.

    sometimes we men will catch a lady unaware with a request and they will say yes without thinking. but then when they get home they’ll realize “wait a sec, i hate this person. he’s fugly, he smells like cheetos, his house is always dirty, his cats are annoying, his taste in music is for shit, he cant hold a conversation to save his life, and he cant please me at all. why did i say yes to see van halen with him?”

    and then they’ll email you and say lets party in five months instead.

    it’s at that time that you should know that it’s not abandonment issues that you should work on, it’s your body. you probably have a big belly or wear terrible clothes. go to the gym aaron! get a nordstrom charge card! by some Affliction long sleeve shirts for god sake! cut your hair! get a sellout job that destroys the earth and humanity!

    CANT YOU SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL?!?!

    you are unwanted. and you will remain that way forevers.

    go to the show by yourself. sit there and quietly mouth the lyrics to all of your favorite songs and sip out of a plastic bottle of water.

    do not cry.

    somewhere there is someone who would never cancel on you.

    why would they? you are aaron from the internet.

    you have a new shirt!

    you will be fine.

    enjoy the silence.

  8. Friday, September 25, 2015

    Christina Marrocco, who i first met in grade school, maybe first grade, asks 

    tigetsWhat are the three top ills of Old Chicago, and I don’t mean the defunct amusement park in Bolingbrook.

    the rides were too tame, the lines were too long, and even though it was great that it was an indoor amusement park – oh wait NOT the fun Old Chicago, the real Old Chicago.

    ok lets start with the weather. it was either way too hot or way too cold or way too rainy or just overall cruddy.

    it’s like God wanted to punish the good people of Chicago for some sins they committed a super long time ago.

    Richard Pryor used to joke about the wind, how it would wait for you around the corner and mug you as you were crossing the street and beat you down. but to me the wind figured out a way to get under your clothes. it was like mist. it could get through every strand of of fabric and then slap your skin with coldness.

    if that wind was love instead of evil no one would ever move away. but alas…

    then we’ve got the narrow mindedness. which is odd because your typical midwesterner of Old Chicago times had a heart of gold. theyd talk to you. theyd listen to you. theyd understand. but somehow theyd stop understanding.

    was it racism? ignorance? foolishness? hard to say.

    but i’ll tell you one thing that didnt help the situation then and doesnt help it now: the segregation. chicago is a city of neighborhoods but theyre all color coordinated. it’s ridiculous. even in the burbs you’ll see whole towns of blacks next to whole towns of people from India, next to whole towns of whites. wtf!?!?

    the wind hates us all equally, people!

    it’s almost as if the assbackwardness from southern illinois floats the wrong way up the mississip and infects chicago and spreads everywhichway. i blame the white sox.

    finally the music. i dont know what it’s like now, but Old Chicago used to have the worst bands. God bless Cheap Trick, REO and Styx but when California got The Eagles, Chicago got Chicago.

    uh, no thanx.

  9. john boehner, quitter, failure, fake tanner, crier 

    john boehner

    over 50 times john boehner, while speaker of the house tried to repeal Obamacare

    over 50 times it failed.

    youd think after two times of trying to overturn something that Americans wanted, and was declared law, and was proved to be Constitutional youd think youd give up

    but no, boehner plodded on, never quitting.

    today he quit everything: being speaker, being a congressman, being a cockblocker.

    america has never seen a congress who has tried so hard to impede the progress of one president.

    did the fact that president was (half) black have anything to do with it?

    of course not.

    racism is over.

    especially not-so-subtle political branded racism.

    but the funny thing about all types of bizarre hate and mischief is it rarely works in the long term.

    obama was able to pass obamacare, and gay marriage, and the iran deal, and so much of what he wanted to pass. sometimes easily. it was almost as if the cock blockers werent even there.

    confederate flag: gone. relations with cuba: normalized. stock market: booming. deficit: reducing

    all the nightmare scenarios that the GOP swore would happen if Obama was elected never came true despite the fact they shut down the government, filibustered, and did everything they could to make this president a failure.

    instead everything is up except gas prices.

    and now the speaker of the house is quitting midstream. because he knows it’s useless to shake your fist at the sun.

    it may have been morning in america in 1980 but its sunny now.

    this nations tears are drying thus theres no need for john boehner

    so adios amigos. say hello to heaven.

  10. Thursday, September 24, 2015

    phil shelly asks what is the meaning of life? 

    no country for old mentheres this video game i play where every now and then it will say

    if you dont commit any turnovers for the rest of this quarter, we’ll give you a bonus

    throughout the game you werent even thinking about turnovers till they brought it up

    youd just be wheeling and dealing, doing your thing and if you committed a turnover, whatevs

    but now all of a sudden you have to think about them.

    and the funny thing is, i get the bonus about half of the time that it’s offered.

    something that is very poor, if you ask me.

    to me, the meaning of life is to be able to look back

    and see how many turnovers youve had after you realized that they really matter

    to me life is about playing the game and not being a negative part of it.

    because if youre not being negative, youre probably being positive if youre truly playing.

    to me, you commit less turnovers when you focus, prepare,

    and have your heart in whats best for everyone,

    not just yourself.

    you get there by doing all three of these things: trusting, communicating honestly,

    and reflecting the love of God.

    to me the meaning of life is to play the game with honor

    and earn that damn bonus.