how mtv can stop losing viewers during the vmas

whywhen i was in junior college selling televisions on commission they turned a hard job into a very hard job by making us sell extended warrantees on everything.

it was tough enough to get people to give you their money for a big box of electronics, but then you had to shake them down for even more money for a big box of air.

the best technique i learned was to make the warrantee part of the package. and you had to talk about it early and often as part of the pitch.

the worst thing you could do is pitch the item, demonstrate, close AND THEN start talking about the warrantee.

but thats exactly what MTV is doing when they pitch and sell reality tv and mindless candid camera shows

and then all of a sudden once a year try to get everyone to buy the idea that Music Videos is something of importance to the channel.

hell, pop culture isnt even of importance to the channel any more.

they dont have a news program on that station any more. they dont have a talk show. when do they ever really truly talk about all the stupid things of the day (kardashians, trump, taylor swift’s squad, hover boards, emojis): NEVER

but then every fall they coerce a handful of pop stars to show up at some stupid arena, round up some new talent, a couple of movie and tv stars, and pretend that MTV is still important?

basically ALL they’re selling at the VMAs is the warrantee. its vaporware. its bread and circus.

video of the year goes to who the fuck does it matter

at least this year mtv kept it somewhat real and gave away a majority of the awards during the pre-show when no one was watching and left the real show for what people nowadays care about: performances and entertainment.

if MTV wants the VMAs to be relevant again they’re going to have to make some serious changes.

firstly theyre gonna have to start showing some damn videos. which will be tough because MTV seems to fucking hate videos.

protect mesome people hate success, and MTV will do anything they can NOT to show the world images of Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nikki Minaj, Selena Gomez and all the rest. which is insane because the kids love these people and are FORCED to go to youtube to watch them.

you’re telling me kids seriously would rather see these videos on their stupid tablets than on $400 50″ tvs?

how about this MTV: give away two tvs every day for a year if you want to start some hype. YOU CANT SPELL MTV WITHOUT TV, DUMMIES!

the next thing they gotta do is get a tv show. i couldnt stand TRL but it served a purpose: it helped establish the channel as the center of pop culture. are you telling me theres no value in that?

it doesnt need to cost a fortune. it doesnt need to be on the beach or in times square. just have cool kids talking to other cool kids about snapchat and minecraft and get out of your own way.

go back to the programming that made you great. so what that things changed so many years ago. theres no way it was worse than today. today the station is an absolute joke. it’s like what would have happened if Tipper Gore had taken it over.

Straight Outta Compton has been the #1 movie for the last three weeks. where is MTV jumping on that bandwagon? have they forgotten that the first time America ever saw Dre and Eazy and Ice Cube was on MTV? Express Yourself! Yo MTV Raps!

and now they’re not going to reap some of those rewards? WTF MTV?

the surprise musical guests of this years VMAs should have been N.W.A kicking off the whole damn thing. THEN people would have been talking about something more interesting than that fake beef between miley and nicki. shit, they could have done a live remote FROM compton if they gave a shit about ratings but they hate ratings

and ratings hate them now which is why theyre in the gutter.

start by playing kendrick lamar.

also if nicki minaj wants to fight Anybody, pick her up, carry her to said person, and let them brawl.

three thoughts from bill murray

Bill Murray

about a year ago the chicago-born comedian was on the howard stern show and they had a really great conversation. here are three interesting little chunks from that chat.

on being single

“Well… I do think about that. I do think about that. I’m not sure when I’m getting done here. I have kids—I have children that I’m responsible for—and I enjoy that very much, and that wouldn’t have happened without women. I don’t think I’m lonely. It would be nice to go to some of these things and have a date, have someone to bring along. And to go play golf in Scotland, that would be fun. But there’s a lot that I’m not doing that I need to do—something like working on yourself, self-development, and becoming more connected to myself. I don’t have a problem connecting with people, my problem is connecting with myself. And if I’m not really committing myself really well to that, it’s sort of better that I don’t have another person. I can’t take on another relationship if I’m not taking care of the things I need to take care of the most. What stops us from looking at ourselves is that we’re kind of ugly if we look really hard; we’re not who we think we are, and we’re not as wonderful as we think we are.”

on what’s great about california

“In-N-Out Burger is a great hamburger. I remember being in Las Vegas once and for some reason the ride that they give you is a 91-foot limousine, and I said to the [driver], ‘In-N-Out Burger?’ He could barely get this thing through the drive-thru, and while he was in the parking lot trying to get this thing in, I just hopped out and went in. And I tipped him in In-N-Out coupons. It’s a great burger. They do a great job with it. The French fries are made out of real potatoes, the burger is great and you can get it all kinds of ways, and it tastes good. It’s definitely the best franchise burger by a million miles. There’s no comparison. I mean, it’s not even close.”

on famous whiners

“I do not like people that complain about being famous, but I say to people, ‘Hey, you want to be rich and famous? Try being rich, and see if that doesn’t cover most of it for you.’ You have a bunch of dough, you can be as kind as you want, and you can be invisible. No one has to know you have a bunch of dough, and you can behave any way you want. You can be a secret kind of person.”

heres the whole deal:

life, i have no complaints

deerwhile driving to work yesterday in my german commitment to excellence i saw a sight

i saw a little girl, maybe 4 years old. 5 perhaps?

with a blind persons cane.

behind her was her mom or teacher.

she was learning to walk with the cane next to a school.

it destroyed me.

sweetest cutest littlest girl and all the things she wont see ever.

the ivy of wrigley field, a technicolor sunset

a perfectly turned double play.

i said to myself, you have nothing to complain about ever.

when i passed that scene for some reason i looked back in my rear view mirror.

and when i did i saw the little girl had tripped over an uneven part in the side walk

and she fell into the grass.

her little legs now above her head. cane gone. but right there.

she reached for it but couldnt find it.

and i died again.

got to work. did work. ate lunch. did more work.

afterwards i drove over to century city to pick up rich people and movie agents.

got a ping at the most luxurious condo in LA. rihanna lives there when shes in town.

i picked up three siblings. all very nice. mid 20s. we talked about china where one of them is in grad school.

drove through some residential streets in beverly hills, hitting it off beautifully.

sisters in the back seat, couldn’t have been nicer or prettier.

they eyed me and i eyed them right back.

brother next to me, jovial.

until we saw two orange cones in the middle of the street.

and a teenage boy sitting on his skateboard in the grass

with his hands sorta covering his eyes

in grief. but why?

as we crept closer to the cones we saw why.

a squooshed black cat.

squooshed forever.

his cat.


but right there.