1. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    aaron asks, i have abandonment issues, please help 

    van halenDear Tony,

    Ever since i was a child i have had abandonment issues. THe anxiety only manifests when people cancel their plans on me. Then I spin out of control. Heavy depression followed by waves of sadness. Recently I have been seeing a woman who cancels on me all the time. When we do hang out it’s quite pleasant. But out of the blue she will cancel on me after saying yes repeatedly. She gives the weirdest excuses. IT makes me feel very very bad about myself. It’s impossible for me not to take it personally. What should I do?

    Aaron aka Loser

    Kind Aaron,

    we all have our own quirks. hers might have nothing to do with you. on the other hand she might really hate you and can never figure out a way to blow you off properly.

    sometimes we men will catch a lady unaware with a request and they will say yes without thinking. but then when they get home they’ll realize “wait a sec, i hate this person. he’s fugly, he smells like cheetos, his house is always dirty, his cats are annoying, his taste in music is for shit, he cant hold a conversation to save his life, and he cant please me at all. why did i say yes to see van halen with him?”

    and then they’ll email you and say lets party in five months instead.

    it’s at that time that you should know that it’s not abandonment issues that you should work on, it’s your body. you probably have a big belly or wear terrible clothes. go to the gym aaron! get a nordstrom charge card! by some Affliction long sleeve shirts for god sake! cut your hair! get a sellout job that destroys the earth and humanity!

    CANT YOU SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL?!?!

    you are unwanted. and you will remain that way forevers.

    go to the show by yourself. sit there and quietly mouth the lyrics to all of your favorite songs and sip out of a plastic bottle of water.

    do not cry.

    somewhere there is someone who would never cancel on you.

    why would they? you are aaron from the internet.

    you have a new shirt!

    you will be fine.

    enjoy the silence.