took these century city dudes to a fancy restaurant


they all worked together. two of them were gay, one was indian,one kept quiet.

they were talking about bro names, which i deduced were office nicknames for each other.

after the ride was over, one of them apologized for the dirty talk that had also transpired

but i said, i’ll let you know if you say something you should apologize for.

a few minutes later i picked up this big black dude who was on the phone,

and he stayed on the phone the whole time.

he was having the hardest time with this chick he was on the phone with.

he kept saying hey if youd rather be doing whatever it is that youre doing just call me back

you keep giving me one word answers

do you want to just listen to your music

why dont you just call me back later

i wanted to tell him bro, let it go. if she wanted to talk, she’d talk.

then i got a guy in shorts and a headband who was all,

sorry this isnt that far of a ride, im late for a 5K.

i drove him exactly 1 mile.

sometimes i think im doing it wrong

fuk me fuk ui’ll see some old pictures of past loves or jobs or cars or situations

and i’ll say i wonder if i shoulda put up with their bs a little longer

i wonder if i shoulda done that one thing different

if only i had just not have said a word

what if you had just said fine.

and then i think of the other times, after that when i did


to be someone other than me.

if you’re bowling and the ball is veering to the left, you set up a little to the right

and sometimes if everyones not happy and smiling

you change it up a bit and see what happens.

what has happened is life has happened, the way its supposed to be

and the reason we are who we are is we


changed it up a little, naturally, due to the circumstances where we came from.

it’s crazy to call an audible for the sole reason of acceptance.

the purpose of the game is to play the game, not to be loved.

only god loves you. and your mom.

everything else is: well, he wont kill me or

damn she might kill me one day.

i take it all back: play the game the way you got to the game

if youre constantly calling audibles, fine. but figure out why.

do you really know the right move at the last second or are you just panicking.

odds are i made the right moves.

odds are you will too.

floor it and enjoy the ride.

the other week i agreed be part of a story + poetry reading + rock show

poetry reading

no one wants to be the guy reading the poem at such an affair.

especially me.

but it’s being organized by my favorite drummer in rock, Steve Tsar.

also it’s nice to have your comfort zones stretched.

i dont like reading my poems. like my niece, i dont like being the centre of attention.

i like sitting in my helicopter at about 5,000 feet and blogging once or twice a day and veering off into the night and fighting crime anonymously.

then i like to eat soul food with a pretty girl and lick the bbq sauce off her finger tips.

i dont think im a very good writer. i dont know how i got in the college of creative studies. i dont know how i got in the nexus.

i dont know why LAist hired me and i for damn sure dont know how the LA Times hired me and let me write on their political blog.

and for surely sure i know i cant write a poem to save my life.

i do know though that poems make girls take off their pants – even the bad ones, which is why i will write a brand new epic poem for this fiesta.

i know exactly what it will be about, it will be about this conversation i had with a gang member drug dealer i met in south central the other day

and how we talked about having girlfriends who wanted us to lick their asses.

because i think poems and poetry readings are painfully boring, i think i will name this poem

tony please wont you eat my ass.

because if i was at a story / poetry reading / rock show and some weirdo got on stage with a cubs hat

and said this one is called tony please wont you eat my ass, i might actually pay some attention

even though i dont like attention, even though i cant write and even though i will be betraying the trust of someone who was once dear to me

who asked me to do her that favor since she obvs couldnt do it herself.

now the easy part: writing the epic poem. which i will do as close to the event as possible in order to freak myself out. thanks.

the main reason i drive a benz is because of danielle

daniellesome people just have class.

im not that person.

thats why i rely on some special friends to help me through things.

i met danielle back before i had a car. they said hey theres a new girl on the fourth floor and youre gonna love her.

i said why dont you love her?

they said oh we love her but youre gonna Looooooooove her.

and sure enough on our first encounter we hit it off and talked and talked and laughed and went to lunch and then went to lunch every day for as long as she worked there.

during lunch i would sometimes take pictures of her because

a) look at her!

b) she loved it

c) i had a busblog to think about

i put a lot of the pictures on buzznet and the other day when i was able to get them off the site – all 5,576 of them – i noticed all of these great pics of danielle and it made me miss her so very much.

we used to have so much fun together during our lunch breaks.

they really were a little oasis of sunshine in the middle of a pretty hellish work environment.

she was all, dont they know they need to move you to the news department?

i was all, dont they know that youre a million times more valuable than whatever they got you doing?

the xbi took danielle away from LA to San Dieger because it was a pit back then. you havent heard of anything horrible happening there in the ten years shes been gone. she does a great job.

so when she asked me today to send her her pics i was all of course.

this is a reminder to live up to my promise.

“the only love that lasts forever is unrequited love” – woody allen

lana del reybecause im a million years old and ive got this buff bod, ive had my share of love affairs.

and because im a million, and a real life human, i’ve also had some unrequited loves.

not everything works out. maybe its supposed to be like that.

maybe the biggest lesson that porn teaches us is: if the boy always gets the girl, it makes for a super boring story.

i didnt always get the girl. and sometimes when i got her i wondered why i wanted her in the first place (and vice versa).

one of the best things ive learned about unrequited love is theres lots of it.

but the question is, does that mean theres lots of potential requited love?

i say yes.

but more importantly heres what ive learned about unrequited love.

ive learned that its the best motivation for working out, cleaning up ones apartment,

and reading books youd never consider.

and this, i think, is what separates us from apes.

if a boy ape likes a girl ape and wants to climb a tree with her but she doesnt wanna, instead she wants to go to the river with a different boy ape

im pretty sure the first boy ape doesnt start doing pushups and grooming himself in a different way.

im pretty sure the first boy ape just hops over to a different girl ape and grabs her hand and leads her up a big tree to see the whole forest at sunset.

sometimes the apes know what the heck they’re doing.

doug glanville, former cub, phillie, yankee met at racist at LAX

doug glanville

the guy wasnt any normal racist, he was a cab driver working the airport.

according to glanville, who now works as a MLB analyst for ESPN, he was catching a cab with a white cameraman when something bizarre happened. when the cameraman hailed the cabbie, everything was cool, but when glanville appeared the cabbie told him to go across the street and catch a bus.

doug told the guy, no no, im with him, we’re together. the cabbie insisted, no, you go across the street, the bus is just $19.

here. in los angeles. in 2015.

so i posted the article on a couple of the Uber facebook groups that im on and i said something like, “this is how we will really beat cabs. lets be all the things cabs are not. i hear you talk about cancelling rides on people or not going in certain hoods, etc. if you knock that off and we stop doing the things that people hate about cabs, we will crush them.”

umand the very first comment that came in said, “this is the beauty of being an independent contractor. you can pick and choose who you want, whenever you want.”

it sounded like the dude was defending the racist cabbie so i asked him to expound on his comment. he reluctantly did,

and when he did it sounded a lot like racism. so i flat out asked him, “so you support racism?”

and he didn’t deny it.

then some other jackhole chimed in, so i had two guys i had to work with. no matter. im an english major. if i cant handle a competition of words i need to mail back my diploma.

and then the original guy wrote the most amazing thing, he said, “i am not a racist I believe in segregation.” and i was all, omg even after reading this post about how doug glanville, millionaire tv analyst and former baseball player couldnt get a cab in los angeles california, this guy was basically saying yep, i wouldnt drive him to his ritzy hotel neither.

part of me blames fox news because they have had a hard on for obama this whole time and some dimwits might think its because obama is half black, but we all know fox news woulda acted this way if john edwards had won, because all fox news cares about is ratings. half of those fuckers probably voted for obama because they’re assholes but theyre not stupid.

but this guy and the other guy actually believe what they see on tv. they actually believe that black lives dont matter. they actually think that doug glanville and guys who look like him are threats to them in some way,

and it’s not the other way around.

there was this great doc on johnny cash last night

sorry for the inconvienence we are trying to save the world

for a long time johnny cash was the biggest moneymaker for columbia records

he even had a tv show on abc for like seven years.

but as time went on he became, lets say, less popular among the populace.

when you think of johnny cash, you dont really think of the 80s.

and someone was talking about how they saw him play this 300 seat joint and it wasnt even sold out

and he thought, that must be really depressing for a guy who used to sell out 10,000 seat arenas.

and trust me, i know im no johnny cash,

but this very blog used to get tens of thousands of unique visitors every day

and tons of comments on every single post.

so heres what i can tell you about popularity in regards to art.

i think i do better when i dont think theres an audience at all.

when im just writing to the void.

it’s great to shoot something out there and see it ring and come back,

but the buddhists talk about emptiness, not the sad omg im starving emptiness of your stomach

but the blank slate chalkboard where anything is possible.

the guy said that johnny cash probably didnt want to see every face of everyone in the crowd

well i dont know about you, but most of my favorite rock shows were ones where

the band was looking right at us

and we were looking right back.

hank sr. used to sing the saddest songs

staring right at one person



who wouldnt want that

write tales your cats wished you wrote


even though it’s happened a couple of times in my life,

each time a young lady takes off her shirt for me it seems like an absolute miracle.

sometimes they’re drunk or on drugs or theres a gun in the room

but when theyres not, and they still do it,

im like are you sure?

i feel the same way when i catch a glimpse of LA being spectacularly beautiful.

this morning i woke up at 5am, dicked around and didnt leave the house until 6.

drove around and picked up these very tired gay guys up in the hollywood hills leaving a party above the chateau

and as i climbed up through the canyons the sun was coming up.

i got closer to the house and spied DTLA in the distance with all the best colors in the world around it.

the colors of a new day.

(your favorite colors.)

so i took a picture but it didnt capture even a fraction of it, and somehow downtown wasnt even visible

which is fine.

sometimes it’s nice to just be there, and look at something startlingly sweet

like a pretty girl in a messy bed.

or a sunrise over a curb.