dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich?

sheri's brothel

Dear Tony,

I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

Cubs in 2016!

D’Arcy

dear d’arcy,

i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.

parumph

the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

Uber on!

my mom and i got 15,000 steps in yesterday

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as you know, las vegas has always had, and will always have a very special place in my heart.

ive been visiting here for years and years starting before i was even born.

while in college i drove out here several times to experience Comdex back when personal computers were relatively new

(god im old)

and so as to see the Grateful Dead play with Steve Miller in one of the most spiritual concerts i’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing (and i wasnt even on any psychedelics).

over the years ive been back for a variety of reasons including jobs, girlfriends, hospital music,  the xbi and reckless abandon.

ive nearly died here at least once, and along the way ive had many many many memorable trips.

i am here this time because my mom decided to have a family thanksgiving here, as she has never visited Sin City

britney store

so we went on a walkabout.

first we headed to Planet Hollywood because i figured it was your typical Vegas strip hotel and casino.

we walked through it real quick and then i told her about the strange shopping culture on the strip

how every huge casino also has a giant shopping center wrapped around it with food and stores and bars and stores and shops and boutiques and stores and stores and stores.

i told her that secretly the strip is the worlds largest mall which is why they let you drink freely

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next door was Paris, one of my favorites, where, if you recall, ashley and i chilled some 14(!) years ago. i showed my mom the pastries and she said they often look better than they taste and i was all, well we should see if thats true. but we didnt. we had lunch plans.

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we walked past the street performers and mom wasn’t at all pleased with the fake playboy bunnies and other scantily dressed women and i was all, everyone needs to get paid.

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we took a free shuttle from Ballys to the Rio for the seafood buffet but it was too early for that so we took a Lyft to the Wynn and my mom loved that even more than Paris. she was blown away.

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when she looked up she was all, hey it’s Colbert’s ceiling!

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for some reason i didn’t know that there was a Jeff Koons just laying in the hall. but lo!

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we stood in line for a minute at the Wynn buffet but the line didnt move and the lady told us it would be about a half hour before we were seated. theres two places i dont stand in line at: sxsw to see bands and vegas to eat. so we were headed out to catch another lyft to go back to paris when i saw this married couple at this asian restaurant at Encore.

my mom loves chinese food and even though i knew it was gonna cost some good money i asked her if she wanted to try out some Ramen. she had never had ramen served right so she said oui. i got the bigass bowl of pork ramen and mom got a nice plate of salt and pepper shrimp and we shared and she loved it.

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the wynn/encore was all the glitz i think she was looking for in vegas. although she kept saying that it was nothing like what she was expecting, but i think thats cuz television and movies are full of terrible lies, unlike the world famous busblog where everything is true.

mom at caesars

so i was all, ok we’ve seen the malls at planet hollywood, paris, ballys, the rio (where i won some money from the robot lady blackjack table) and the wynn/encore, lets go see the mall at caesars the place that started it all.

she was super amazed. she loved the “sky”, the street, and the fact that all of the luxury brands that she had read about were right there, next to each other: Louis V, Tiffany, Chanel, and on and on and on

daquris

another thing mom wasnt crazy about was all the daiquiri and margarita stands. or the fact that i had a beer in my hand the whole time. one after another. i was all, ma, las vegas is a celebration of freedom. you GET to gamble here, you GET to shoot machine guns in the desert, you GET to walk around a 10 mile long mall with a Miller Genuine Draft in your hand that you tipped the waitress $2 while you were at the tables. and if you are lonely, you GET to have a former stripper come to your room and make sex with you. the daiquiris are sweet symbolism of that freedom. if America was truly free, none of this would exist here because it would be commonplace. so we drink to forget that our real towns are horrible shells of what the founders intended. so drink up.

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when we got home we got stared down by Babe who was ticked that we didnt get her a Shirley Temple.