we were in Paris and the little girl was all i’d rather be doing homework in my room

paris

i said thats because you dont realize where you are.

she said we’re in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, Planet Earth, Milky Way DUH

i said we are in the 18th century, Pareee France.

theres a little short guy named Napoleon Bonaparte who has a problem. he’s short and balding and has something called the Napoleon Complex which is when you can’t dunk like your uncle tony, you can only drain Threes, which is fine but it gets no love on the playgrounds of Nice and Lyon, the girlies love one thing and one thing only BIG OLD MONSTER DUNKS where you hang from the rim afterwards and say WHAT WHAT

kirsten dunstwhich in french is QUOI! QUOI!

but alas, in the distance is a beautiful young fille named Kirsten Dunst whose twitter handle is Marie Underscore Antoinette

they didnt have twitter back then! my niece, pictured, interrupts.

au contraire, they had little birds that they stuck numbers to. a Zero meant non, and a 1 meant oui.

Marie was a big fan of Napoleon because she liked to feel tall and thought points in the paint were overrated. so they held hands and were suddenly married.  Napoleon took over much of the world (aka Europe) but bogarted the booty his armies plundered and France was starving avec le Marvin.

OMG LIKE IN LES MISERABLES? she said. and I pounded my fist on the table and said OUI!

and someone came to Kirsten Dunst and said, the busblog loves you. and Kirsten said, omg tell the busblog i love him right back times a million.

a dove was released with the number 1 on its back but napoleon was playing real life Duck Hunt at the time and shot it down.

Sacre Blue!

are you almost done with this story uncle tony? the little girl said. and i was but i said HISTORY CANNOT BE RUSHED petite quelque chosewhen he was done hunting napoleon returned to his queen and said while i was out there someone told me that the peasants were starving

Let them eat cake, Marie Antoinette said.

THATS NOT TRUE, my otherwise quiet nephew said. That’s from Peabody and Sherman.

he speaks very quietly so i had to have him repeat it several times, and it turns out that “literally the first words in the film Mr. Peabody and Sherman” used Kirsten’s line and confused the shy lad.

i assured him that it was my girlfriend who said it thus the Rocky and Bullwinkle spin off recycled the line.

because they both looked terribly bored i went into great detail about the guillotine and how Marie was killed by the people and Napoleon was sent to LaBastille on  Bastille Day and the French people built the statue of liberty for us

and i said, do you know what we built for them as a thank you?

they said no.

i said, McDonalds.

and a french mime walked past and threw down his beret in disgust because i was so wrong about so much of the story but i built an invisible box in which he is still trapped and now we are living happily ever after.

i dont think people realize, im very shy

the night before

super true.

the blogging, the journalisming, the ubering: it’s all ways for me to help me break out of my shell because if i had my way id just move to maui, learn how to mix drinks, and just work at a hotel bar and call it a day.

why bother with all of this hoo ha?

but i know that the good lord put me in this place for a reason and it isn’t to take the easy way out and get wrinkly in a tropical paradise and marry a hula girl and be a massive sellout.

still, it’s a struggle when im at a roulette wheel sipping on my rum n coke and a pretty girl sits a few stools down from me and she smiles. is she a hooker? is she a man? does she have some terrible diseases? does she think i have a wallet full of cash?

one guy after another sits by her and loses in one way after another and finally after they leave she scootches over to me.

i like your system she says. shes been watching. of course she has. it’s so simple. bet one chip on black. if you lose, bet two on black. if you lose again bet four on black. if you lose again bet eight on black. eventually it’s gonna be black and when it does, take the winnings and bet one on black again.

the night beforemeanwhile the rum n cokes keep coming and either the frat boys win big and leave with the girl or they lose and try to woo her anyways but, come on. yr a loser. and just look at her.

she starts betting along with me. one on black. two on black. four on black, drink.

she asks me where im from. i tip my cubs hat. she looks confused. i say the c is for canada.

i think shes from japan, but her english is better than mine. id ask her, but im very shy and i dont wanna be racist. she has sparkly jewelry. i expect her big strong husband to arrive any minute but no one ever comes.

she says, wanna get out of here?

i say, whats better than this? free drinks, we’ve hit black like five times in a row, and theres a pretty girl who keeps bumping her knee against mine.

she apologizes. more drinks come. i tip the waitress for both of ours. she was doing wine, now shes on to cosmos. if i wanted to get drunk id have ordered some shots for us but im still not entirely sure shes not a man.

after a while she says, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

i say, what, it’s like 7pm? vegas. prettiest girl in this whole casino? tony pierce, fresh from canada with like 5-6 drinks in him? well, id see the new seth rogen movie.

she says what movie is that?

i say, “the night before.”

she says the night before what?

i say, i think its the night before Christmas. i think it’s a Christmas movie for adults.

and she says, id love to see a Christmas movie for adults.

and she did for about a half hour, and then she fell asleep on my shoulder.

was probably a man.