why howard stern should quietly retire at the end of this month

beth sternonce upon a time there was a man named howard stern

who, unquestionably, was the most interesting and successful radio performer in the history of the medium.

he was number one in the usa for decades on terrestrial radio

and then he moved over to satellite radio when less than 1 million people subscribed

and now close to 30 million people pay for the radio service

his station is the most listened-to channel on the network

but he is unhappy, and he has been unhappy for most of his life.

his movie Private Parts, which he starred in, humorously showed his struggle to the top: bosses who didn’t understand him, rivals, the government – but since then he has had a divorce, a sidekick who attempted suicide, another who got and then beat cancer,

and an awkward stint as a judge on an nbc talent show.

he’s been with his basically perfect model/wife for over 10 years, his show regularly breaks news with it’s one-of-a-kind censor-and-commercial free one-hour plus celebrity interviews, one of his long-time guests Donald Trump is the front runner for the Republican nomination for president

but howard stern is unhappy.

this is a man who works, on average 7 days a week.

often he will work a week or two, take a week off

note: his work weeks are three days.

and he is unhappy.

most reports say he gets paid $100 million a year, a number he automatically denies, but no other number has surfaced.

and he is unhappy.

howard and bethA-list celebrities like Jennifer Anniston invite him to parties, the most talented late night host (Jimmy Kimmel) considers him an idol and one of Howard’s closest friends, and his unmatched ability to make stars of The Unlikely continues to roll on.

but he is still unsatisfied, so i say he should just quit.

i love him, i want the best for him,

but he’s done it all, said it all, and maybe said too much because we know how unhappy he is.

howard says he hates traveling, so he should just sit around his compound in florida, and stare at the wall.

he should have sex with his pretty wife, paint, and eat at Nobu.

if he gets sick of it in a couple of years it would be one of the most celebrated comebacks ever.

but for now he should say nothing until the final show

and then on that show have billy joel play as he tells robin how great it all was

and then he should reach into a bucket and give bababooey $5 million for putting up with his nonsense

for all of those years

and then Artie should roll a red carpet in through the studio

and then Jackie should walk down the carpet while tossing rose petals

and then one after another, lesbians of all shapes and sizes

should walk down the carpet, in various states of undress,

and when they reach the end of the carpet, should start making out.

as Sour Shoes sings a medley of appropriate songs.

and then howard can go off and try to be happy.

as he deserves it.

oh so much.

the day men lost their rights to have guns

new and used guns for sale

once upon a time there was a land that proved that men shouldnt have guns any more.

they were killing each other and shooting each other and even slapping each other in the face with guns.

but there was a law that said that they could keep their guns even though it was omg so obvs that they were so stupid with these guns and it caused more danger than safety

so a very wise judge by the name of Sonny I. LaVista said alright you wanna pretend that because this was a law way back in the beginning of this nation that theres no way the law should be changed even though PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING has changed since that law was written

including how powerful and easy to use those guns are,

so i will change the law, slightly.

women have shown that they too fuck up when it comes to guns,

but not at all as horribly as men do.

so only women will be allowed to have guns and if men dont like it too bad.

“but only criminals will have guns then!” someone yelled from the crowd. it was a man, naturally.

first of all, STFU, Judge LaVista said, banging on his desk with a gavel.

then he said, if you are a man and you are caught with a gun, a woman gets to shoot you with as many bullets as are in that gun.

because only women can touch a gun.

remember?

also, because you’re all crazy, if you want a gun, it will be a lot like the iPhone, you gotta pass a credit check

and it will have a tracking device on it that will monitor its every move.

“But that’s an invasion of privacy!” someone else yelled from the crowd. another man, who shouldnt be yelling because no one was talking to him and his privacy will be fine because he cannot have a gun.

Judge LaVista rose the gavel up high and brought it down once.

you cant have invasion of privacy on an inanimate object. we are tracking the gun, not the owner. but this will help us figure out, by using the tracking information from a MAN’s phone, if a man has stolen a gun to use it in a crime.

“we don’t like this at all!” a man shouted.

then you should have done something about gun control earlier, the judge said and gaveled and said peace out.

and went home to his wife, who he made sure practiced shooting at the firing range

which was now Ladies Only

and totally different than what it used to be

the end

?

someone asked me if i was a political junkie

ccr at the taco bell in slo

im not a political junkie. im no a heroin junkie. im not a tv junkie.

i like things in reasonable amounts.

i like buffets because you dont have to deal with all of the nonsense. pay your money, sit down, walk over, fill your plate, get sick.

repeat.

for a while i was an uber junkie. i wanted to be driving at all times. it was crazy. i was crazy.

its still in my head. if you ask me when we can hang out, i’ll say sundays because every other day i want to uber.

this weekend i didnt wanna uber but i did anyways. the roads were empty but so were all of the hotels.

no one wanted a ride and there were like triple the uber drivers in my regular spots than normal.

so i drove home and reconsidered things i should be a junkie about.

drive thrus

 

Thursday, June 03, 2004

descendescalator1-1

i met Zulieka for the first time like 11 years ago.

heres what she blogged that night:

Tony Pierce. Deceptively cute at first glance, he notices and reads through subtle indications like a poker player. He is so, so quick but he pretends he’s just sitting there. He is both street smart and worldly. After all, he works for the XBI. Thank You Tony for the breakfast. You forgot to mention that I had hashbrowns too, with tabasco sauce.

zulieka has not blogged in far too long.