nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, November 23, 2015

    just like in the xbi, there arent a lot of commercial black pilots 

    babe the pilot

    so when my family flew from chicago to vegas yesterday and they saw a black pilot they were all

    do you know tony pierce?

    brotha said who? they said xbi. chopper one?

    homie said, busblog?

    and, to quote donald trump, bing bang bong, our little angel babe was the new co-pilot

    and everyone got free popcorn.

    babe loves popcorn.

    so yeah, now we’re all out here in sin city, which is an interesting place for little kids to be

    there was once a time when vegas catered to kids, but im pretty sure that time is gone, thankfully.

    but i do know that its still the time for adults, so im gonna be a terrible uncle and stay drunk all day

    and then eat all night and get drunker. that way they know that booze is bad and they should stay away from it.

    life lessons from drunk uncle.

  2. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    remembering how different things were just a few years ago when Obama ran against Mitt 

    “Uhh, Lately I’ve been listening to alot of Jay-z..” If you’re having bank problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but mitts not one. I got, protestors saying, “our economy blows”, and my wallstreet brothers wanna occupy (Clothes?) if you bitches keep saying, “No change, no votes”, I work for the banks, stupid, what types’a threats are those? The gas pump’s where your whole paycheck goes, Been a long time since you was  havin’ cash flows. So, FUCK my critics, you can kiss my “Gas”-hole, if you don’t like my lyrics, then you can hit the road. Who cares about the polls, this election (may show?), if you wanna vote for mitt? I don’t give a SHIT. So, (Newsmags try to use my ass?), So advertisers give them more cash, for ads. Fuckers, I don’t know what you take me as, but understand the intelligence Obama has! Riches to rags bitches, I ain’t dumb, I got 99 problems but Mitt’s not one! huehuheuhe 99 Problems, but mitt ain’t one! with all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt ain’t one! Hit me! The year’s 2009, and the White House is mine, but the economy’s in full-motherfucking-decline, My choices at the time were to shit on the poor, or to fellate the banks to get elected once more. Now, I’m not trying to fight, J.P Morgan-Chase got their campaign dollars so I could win the race. So I, sucked their dick and watched the country implode, I heard “Son, do you know how to cheat the Tax code?” Well, I’m young and I’m rich, and my tax rate’s low, don’t I look like a 1%’er? Mitt, you would know! Did I pass your test, or should I get some mo’? “No, just tell us what you sent down to mexico!” Eh, If you think I’m stepping down from office for trafficking weapons in their drug cartels, war, I ain’t steppin’ down from shit, because this president’s legit. “Well, do you mind if we see that birth certificate?” All my records are blocked you conspiracy hack, and I know my rights, so you gon’ need a warrant for that! “Wow, aren’t you sharp as a tack, are you some type of lawyer or something?” Well I’m not a lawyer for nothing! I passed the bar, so I know quite a bit, enough that you don’t stand a fucking chance mitt! “Well lets see how smart you are when the election comes.” I got 99 problems, but this bitch ain’t one! huehuheueh 99 problems, but mitt ain’t one! With all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt’s not one! Criminal, fraud, repression, deceit, I murder and I plunder through the world elite! We invade countries so we have all they own! “I have a dream!” Well, I have a drone. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  3. ten years ago today tsar opened up for juliette lewis and the licks 

    juliete and the licks

    i was working for buzznet at the time and we had many missions but one of them was we wanted to inspire kids to take interesting pictures from concerts that they attended and post them on buzznet instead of myspace.

    so one of the things that i did as community manager was lead by example.

    at the office we had a canon rebel or it was mine or i bought one or they bought one for me. who knows. i used it that night.

    i ran around the troub trying to find the right spot, but it was hard, it was really dark

    juliete and the licks

    i was nervous because at the office there was a lot of strife. more specifically, i caused a lot of strife because i never kept my mouth shut. for some reason i thought it was ok for me to speak my mind. i was wrong. thus the strife. whatever, i thought im gonna just prove my points, single handed, all the time and then people will start believing that i know what im talking about.

    juliete and the licksjuliete and the licks

    but i was wrong again. nothing i did convinced anyone.

    juliete and the licks

    weirdly, i had experienced something like this before in my life, when i was younger.

    i learned that this was going to be a no-win situation.

    when i realized it, i started getting super sick. like puking all the time.

    symbolism for all the things i was stifling all of a sudden.

    juliete and the licks

    but at the tsar / juliette lewis show i felt fantastic. i knew that no matter how good my pics were someone was gonna say something dumb.

    juliete and the licks

    but i knew that in ten years id look at them and id say, damn, those are the best canon rebel pics of a tsar show ever.

    juliete and the licks

    after i got fired i got a job at LAist and everyone lived happily ever after.

  4. it’s ali and katie’s birthday week, they’re 24 

    ali and katie

    usually im intoxicated when im with them. who knows why.

    last night we were out with a group of friends to celebrate ali’s technical birthday.

    today is katie’s technical birthday and last night katie and i shared an uber

    in which i told her my secret plan of college domination.

    katie and ali are very fun, a little too smart, and know way more about music than girls their age should.

    it can be a bit unnerving sometimes so you just keep drinking and try not to figure it out.

    robots? androids? shapeshifters? yes. probably. partially.

    and sometimes the good lord just says lets mix some of the hippie gen with some of the rock gen

    with some of this unforgivable edm gen for flavor and see what happens.

    the results: good things happen.

    this morning i thought someone had stolen my wallet.

    it was in a bag, in the fridge, of leftovers from last night.


    thats your souvenir from hanging with these girls on their birthday.

  5. Saturday, November 21, 2015

    woke up at 5am, was out there at 5:30 

    comptonthe idea was to get one long ride, a good ride, to the airport but from somewhere far if possible.

    someone HAD to be going to the airport on the saturday morning before thanksgiving

    but no, i didnt get anyone doing that.

    what i did get were two brothas getting out of the strip club.

    the address was south central and that was fine with me, because this was


    the airport.


    as we began driving the bigger of the two calls up a woman. it’s maybe 6am.

    he starts talking about how those cheeks better be ready when he get there

    i was all, this mans booty call game is incredible.

    LA was just waking up the sun was bright it was already 72 degrees

    a few unlucky working folks were waiting at the bus stop in their sad uniforms

    i saw a dog taking a leak

    and a bird.

    compton in the morning is pretty much as youd expect it to be

    saw two houses next to each other that were recently on fire.

    they hadn’t been boarded up yet.

    the one guy got out and told me to drop off the other guy where he lived

    so as we drove i asked him if he had always lived in compton

    he said yes.

    he was probably 25. light skinned. could be mixed with mexican. hella tattoos.

    i said, i gotta ask you, what did you think of straight outta compton

    he said he liked it.

    we got to his place, he called his sister on my phone

    open up the door!

    the electric gate in front of their driveway slid back

    and in a few minutes i was gone like donkey kong

  6. Friday, November 20, 2015
  7. the bible says we’re supposed to chill the fuck out 

    my house

    it says that if you are freaking out, then basically you’re dissing The Lord

    because you’re supposed to trust The Lord.

    thats the whole point of faith: trust.

    and thats the whole point of believing in a Higher Power

    you’re supposed to let Him do his thing and enjoy it.

    you remember what it was like to drive the lane

    dribbling through your legs

    looking one way and fake passing to the other

    and mid air youd see the eyes of the cheerleaders and some would be like


    but in a scared way

    and a few of them would be all


    but in a do it, baby


    and those were the cheerleaders you loved the most

    and those were who you’d think of as you were

    swinging from the rim

    right after

    you slammed it home,

    and right before

    you were called

    for a T.

  8. woke up at 5am to start driving at 6am this morning 

    free acidi was inspired by a passenger who yesterday told me he was gonna be flying out at 5am and asked me if thered be any cars.

    i said the sad thing about driving nowadays is there are about 3x as many cars out there as whats needed, so you’ll be fine.

    but i have noticed that the very early mornings are better for uber select than at any other time of the day. plus theres no traffic so it’s way easier to actually get to the person and take them where they wanna go.

    from 6am to 9:30am i made $92, which made me happy. the best passenger i got was this korean dude who cracked me up the whole time.

    i picked him up on wilshire in DTLA. we were headed to the fashion district near MLK and 15th.

    i asked him how his morning was going he said his little daughter had kept him up. she was 4 months. he told me that all the good things anyone ever said about babies WERE DIRTY LIES.

    “they cry like banshees. they’re not really that cute. terrible conversationalists.” he said.

    and worst of all, he said from the back seat, “my wife wants to have another one now!”

    i laughed and laughed as he went on. it was comedy.

    Guess you’ll have to move to the Valley, I said.

    “seriously,” he agreed, noting that he grew up there.

    i said, “i keep hearing that the next Echo Park is West Adams.”

    he said, “the problem with neighborhoods that are THE NEXT… is that they’re already expensive.”

    i said, yes but fortunately ppl are racist and dont wanna cross the 10 with their bundles of joy.

    then he told me he has no problems with blacks and mexicans because they have been great neighbors. “i had this one tatted up mexican guy on one side, a big black dude on the other side. we would smoke cigars. we would cook for each other. it was great. you know what wasnt great? the korean who lives next door to me now! kimchee smells terrible at all hours of the night!”

    i nearly crashed from laughing.

    from now on im going to bed at 10pm so i can do the early morning shift forevers.

  9. Thursday, November 19, 2015

    Long Live Henry Fuhrman 

    henry fuhrman

    Any time there are cuts at the Los Angeles Times it makes me sad because I have the deepest respect for the brilliant journalists who work there. But this is devastating to me. Not only is Henry Fuhrmann a perennial finalist in the Nicest Guy in the World competition, but he’s a fantastic and patient teacher. There were a few people whose offices I would regularly camp out in to learn about journalism, our paper, and how to be an effective editor. Henry was one of the best teachers to learn that from. Because Henry is such a mild mannered and gentle man, I was often embarrassed by the topics that I had to consult him about: “Mr. Fuhrman, it appears Congressman Weiner sexted his, um package, to a young lady. I feel like I need to show that image, which is PG, but I’m not sure.” “Henry, what’s your stance on a band called Pussy Riot?” “Henry, Rihanna got beat up yesterday, TMZ is running the photo, is there something that says we can’t run the photo?”

    What I loved about him is first he would research LA Times precedents. If the topic was “can we use this word?” he would find out all the times we ran the word and if it appeared in print, in a headline and/or online. Each instance held a slightly different weight in his judgement. He’d explain that to me in a very calm way. He knew I wasn’t trying to be some crazy person breaking down all the walls and traditions, but I was often pleasantly surprised when we he gave us the green light because it meant it wasn’t a rash decision and I would be supported later if someone cried foul.

    Henry had great stories about baseball, but even better stories about the writers I grew up reading who I never had the chance to work with. Even though I’m very sad that he won’t be at the paper, I really really hope some smart college is sharp enough to have him spread his knowledge and experience with the kids. In a building of very sharp and well-read gentleman, Henry is one of the very best.

    Enjoy your retirement!

  10. the best things i bought off amazon this year 


    1. Roku 3500XB Streaming Stick (HDMI) (Certified Refurbished)

    i’m a single man who lives alone. i have a simple 1 BD apartment and three tvs. i never knew how much i needed a roku until i got one. then i was all omg.

    my set up includes my regular tv in the boudoir but lovely nicole sold me her tv at a very low price so i put that on my dresser next to my regular tv. that way if i was playing video games on the regular tv, i could watch the game on the other tv. through the roku, because roku supports MLBtv.

    i loved it so much i jumped on this little stick deal for the tv in the living room. time warner wanted to charge me $8 a month for a second cable box. im so glad i said no to that, because this stick does everything a box would do plus all these other channels. and when you hit the road you can take it with you.

    amazon speaker2.AmazonBasics Portable Bluetooth Speaker – Black

    im a cheapskate. aint no way im buying Beats anything. somehow i got lucky with this little speaker. at $40 it’s the lowest price id ever seen for a bluetooth speaker, it’s made specifically for amazon, so i gave it a shot. very very happy.

    right now its lost and im devastated. maybe a thief came in and was about to get the three tvs but saw this speaker and was all omg is this the amazon? the little’un? and paired it and played it and fell in love and left with it. maybe it just saved my life.

    maybe i should just get another one and if the lost one magically appears then i’ll give the new one to my mom, even though my mom says shes not interested in any damn speaker and im all but the music comes out of it! and shes all nah, pass, next topic.

    cree flashlight

    3. CREE Led Mini Flashlight Torch Zoom Adjustable

    As you may know, I love loud music, loose women, and ridiculously bright flashlights. This fucking thing, let me tell you, it’s like a little white sun.

    It scares the cats.

    You can make it blink, strobe, and cut a path through darkness. At $18 it’s a surprisingly great gift idea for that person who likes to see when it’s dark.

    They call it mini. It’s nearly nine inches long. What monster calls something nine inches long mini?   anker

    4.  Anker Astro E1 5200mAh Ultra Compact Portable Charger External Battery Power Bank

    my iphone has a funny relationship with power. it likes to die when the best thing for it to do is not to die.

    i keep this thing charged and take it with me here and there and sometimes, like at concerts or ball games, it’ll try to die and i’ll plug this in and say screw you phone. how dare you try to ruin my form of expression and communication.

    what if Fergie wanted to Snapchat me?

    how did the Indians survive without filters on their phones? is this why the dinosaurs perished? is this why the caged bird sings? this puppy can charge your phone a little more than twice. that’ll do for a long day, if you’re lucky.

    razor5. Braun Series 3-340s Wet & Dry Electric Shaver

    i dont know why it took me this long to realize that i dont like the clean shave, so why have a clean shave. some dudes like beards or mustaches. i like a little scruff. a 10 o’clock shadow.

    i dont like electric shavers because they burn, but this thing has a special “Precision Long Hair Trimmer” that pops up from the back of the razor so you can trim your beard and/or sideburns.

    i just trim the whole damn face. its so much faster than the quadruple blade. and afterwards i hop in the shower – with the shaver – and we all clean ourselves of the nasty hairs. im sure im doing everything wrong, but who cares. its $40.

    6. Arm Compression Sleeve by Alien Armor – True Graduated Compression, Medium Set of (2)

    near the end of summer i was doing something special for the xbi that i didnt wanna do but i did because im a nice guy. they swear im “difficult” but when they really need me whos there for them? thats right.


    anyways something went wrong and both my hands and arms started to really hurt. i thought i had arthritis. i thought id never write again. i thought id never computer again.

    i thought id never uber again. i thought id never bowl again!

    but i remember reading in allen iversons book that when his arms got sore from dunking on fools he’d put on some compression sleeves so i saw if theyd work for mine. and they did.

    its little hugs for your hurts.

    its magic for yr muscles.

    its happiness for your hands.

    if the dinosaurs knew this would be here one day theyd have stopped smoking or whatever they did to themselves to die off. when i die off i want my whole body to be wrapped in this material. give my organs to the hospital, or whatever, but then wrap me in this witchcraft and who knows i might regenerate.

    because thats what this does: it turns sad horrid things into beautiful feeling loveliness. they should make these for hearts.