1. Wednesday, November 25, 2015

    we were in Paris and the little girl was all i’d rather be doing homework in my room 

    paris

    i said thats because you dont realize where you are.

    she said we’re in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, Planet Earth, Milky Way DUH

    i said we are in the 18th century, Pareee France.

    theres a little short guy named Napoleon Bonaparte who has a problem. he’s short and balding and has something called the Napoleon Complex which is when you can’t dunk like your uncle tony, you can only drain Threes, which is fine but it gets no love on the playgrounds of Nice and Lyon, the girlies love one thing and one thing only BIG OLD MONSTER DUNKS where you hang from the rim afterwards and say WHAT WHAT

    kirsten dunstwhich in french is QUOI! QUOI!

    but alas, in the distance is a beautiful young fille named Kirsten Dunst whose twitter handle is Marie Underscore Antoinette

    they didnt have twitter back then! my niece, pictured, interrupts.

    au contraire, they had little birds that they stuck numbers to. a Zero meant non, and a 1 meant oui.

    Marie was a big fan of Napoleon because she liked to feel tall and thought points in the paint were overrated. so they held hands and were suddenly married.  Napoleon took over much of the world (aka Europe) but bogarted the booty his armies plundered and France was starving avec le Marvin.

    OMG LIKE IN LES MISERABLES? she said. and I pounded my fist on the table and said OUI!

    and someone came to Kirsten Dunst and said, the busblog loves you. and Kirsten said, omg tell the busblog i love him right back times a million.

    a dove was released with the number 1 on its back but napoleon was playing real life Duck Hunt at the time and shot it down.

    Sacre Blue!

    are you almost done with this story uncle tony? the little girl said. and i was but i said HISTORY CANNOT BE RUSHED petite quelque chosewhen he was done hunting napoleon returned to his queen and said while i was out there someone told me that the peasants were starving

    Let them eat cake, Marie Antoinette said.

    THATS NOT TRUE, my otherwise quiet nephew said. That’s from Peabody and Sherman.

    he speaks very quietly so i had to have him repeat it several times, and it turns out that “literally the first words in the film Mr. Peabody and Sherman” used Kirsten’s line and confused the shy lad.

    i assured him that it was my girlfriend who said it thus the Rocky and Bullwinkle spin off recycled the line.

    because they both looked terribly bored i went into great detail about the guillotine and how Marie was killed by the people and Napoleon was sent to LaBastille on  Bastille Day and the French people built the statue of liberty for us

    and i said, do you know what we built for them as a thank you?

    they said no.

    i said, McDonalds.

    and a french mime walked past and threw down his beret in disgust because i was so wrong about so much of the story but i built an invisible box in which he is still trapped and now we are living happily ever after.