why howard stern should quietly retire at the end of this month

beth sternonce upon a time there was a man named howard stern

who, unquestionably, was the most interesting and successful radio performer in the history of the medium.

he was number one in the usa for decades on terrestrial radio

and then he moved over to satellite radio when less than 1 million people subscribed

and now close to 30 million people pay for the radio service

his station is the most listened-to channel on the network

but he is unhappy, and he has been unhappy for most of his life.

his movie Private Parts, which he starred in, humorously showed his struggle to the top: bosses who didn’t understand him, rivals, the government – but since then he has had a divorce, a sidekick who attempted suicide, another who got and then beat cancer,

and an awkward stint as a judge on an nbc talent show.

he’s been with his basically perfect model/wife for over 10 years, his show regularly breaks news with it’s one-of-a-kind censor-and-commercial free one-hour plus celebrity interviews, one of his long-time guests Donald Trump is the front runner for the Republican nomination for president

but howard stern is unhappy.

this is a man who works, on average 7 days a week.

often he will work a week or two, take a week off

note: his work weeks are three days.

and he is unhappy.

most reports say he gets paid $100 million a year, a number he automatically denies, but no other number has surfaced.

and he is unhappy.

howard and bethA-list celebrities like Jennifer Anniston invite him to parties, the most talented late night host (Jimmy Kimmel) considers him an idol and one of Howard’s closest friends, and his unmatched ability to make stars of The Unlikely continues to roll on.

but he is still unsatisfied, so i say he should just quit.

i love him, i want the best for him,

but he’s done it all, said it all, and maybe said too much because we know how unhappy he is.

howard says he hates traveling, so he should just sit around his compound in florida, and stare at the wall.

he should have sex with his pretty wife, paint, and eat at Nobu.

if he gets sick of it in a couple of years it would be one of the most celebrated comebacks ever.

but for now he should say nothing until the final show

and then on that show have billy joel play as he tells robin how great it all was

and then he should reach into a bucket and give bababooey $5 million for putting up with his nonsense

for all of those years

and then Artie should roll a red carpet in through the studio

and then Jackie should walk down the carpet while tossing rose petals

and then one after another, lesbians of all shapes and sizes

should walk down the carpet, in various states of undress,

and when they reach the end of the carpet, should start making out.

as Sour Shoes sings a medley of appropriate songs.

and then howard can go off and try to be happy.

as he deserves it.

oh so much.