she was sitting on the curb when i got to her.
she was depressed. immediately she told me she was bummed.
i said, well your luck has changed because you are in the greatest uber car of all.
she said whats your name?
i said fidel castro the third.
i asked, water? she said, better music.
so i switched from jazz over to Venus on Sirius which is like female R&B.
she told me ppl in LA shady. i said they’re just very shy and cant even.
she asked me my name i said i just told you, pauly shore.
she was a little drunk. and a lot upset. coulda been on drugs too. who knows.
i said what do you do. she said im a famous movie producer.
i said do you read a lot of scripts. she said every day.
i said ok tell me the one you passed on that made the most money.
she said 50 Shades of Gray.
at no point did she give me her address, she kept telling me to turn left here or turn right there.
i asked, how long have you lived at your home?
she said, too long.
i said, and you havent memorized the address.
she said, i thought you were gonna turn left here?
i said thats a dead end, but the customers always right, and i slowed down to turn.
she said, you know what i really need?
i said, a delicious pie?
she said, i shouldnt even ask.
i said, TWO delicious pies?
she said, a cigarrette.
i said, oh i have no cigarettes in here. they’ll kill ya.
she said, no, can i smoke in here?
i said, id lose my job. ubes doesnt allow it.
she said you’re all right, pauly. pull over here. let me smoke with you.
so i pulled over and i said, i’ll drink this water instead.
she opened her pack of smokes and as she was lighting it, the cigarette fell from her hand onto the street.
she reached for another, so i picked up the cigarette and put it in a little stash box in my trunk.
she said thats gross. i said, to you, and to me, but i may get a drunk, sad beautiful persian princess in here one day and she might say omg my kingdom for a Parliment and i’ll pull over, go in the trunk, and produce this very special nicotine delivery device. and she will say, you sir are the greatest uber driver in all of the land.
and when she was done with her cigarette she asked if she could sit up front with me
and i allowed it.