nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, December 27, 2015

    it happens every time, yet i do it every time 

    DLR tree topperany day i have a REAL day off, meaning no real work and no uber, i will wake up, fix myself a mimosa, and turn on the big tv to play XBox and the little tv to play tv.

    the laptop will give me a third screen. and the iphone will be playing some music.

    my senses get overloaded and i get a headache around noon that throbs for three or four hours.

    thats when i stop drinking, get some aspirin and turn off a few screens and maybe take a nap.

    when i revive around 6ish, i feel fantastic, like David Lee Roth doing the jump splits off the Van Halen drum riser.

    but i will usually fall into the same trap of turning on the video games and tv and i’ll get back to it. fortunately i dont get a late night headache – god knows why, but i dont.

    today is sunday, so i did all of that while watching the Fargo tv series of the first season. mama mia, what a great show. but now it’s 10:27pm and i wanna go out. i should have told the pretty girl who texted me during my headache to text me back around 11pm but that sounds like a booty call and we bloggers are way above that sorta thing. the thing is next week i have off and i plan on actually relaxing because oscar season gets into full swing in about a week so this is my last bout of doing jack shit for a while.

    these last few days have involved a lot of noodles.

    Christmas Eve Sass and i ate some delicious hot pot in pasadena and i nearly died of spicy joy. my sinuses will be clear for all of 2016. remind me to go back there again. whats the name? hmmmm something Sheep.

    then last night Ali and i were gonna eat some thai but she called an audible and we ended up at Blossom and those bowls of Pho were so big that my leftovers fit into a large bucket that i delivered to Jeanine when i got home and it helped soothe her flu.

    and tonight Jeanine made some delicious spaghetti and my noodle trifecta was achieved.

    i have a good life.

  2. Friday, December 25, 2015

    dear world famous busblog 

    adelei must apologize to you. this has been the least prolific year on this fine blog… since last year.

    the trend is super sad. for years this blog averaged between 700 to over 900 posts a year.

    last year it sunk to a measly 586 and this year it looks like it wont even break 500.


    we know what the easy excuse is: uber. back in the day a man would write a little something before work, then write something during his lunch break, and then write something magnificent once he made it home. but now i go out to lunch almost every day at work (expensive in the long run, but enjoyable) and then uber after work for a couple hours. once i get home im pooped.

    yes too pooped to write. too pooped to tell you my dreams and accomplishments. too pooped to tell you about my sorrows and tribulations. too pooped to create the incredibleness people have come to expect from this url.

    which is ironic because if you ax me, the best stories ive told over the last few years on this page have been about all the interesting people ive met and the crazy ish ive seen.

    so heres my pre-new years resoulution to you, my dear blog of magic: theres 365 days in a year (give or take) if i blog twice a day every day thats well over the pathetic 500 posts ive typed this year. so two a day is all we ask. every day. like a real blogger. like who i used to be. like who i can be.

    and unlike in other years, one will be nuts and bolts what i did. the second will be some weirdness. because as i sat around all day today watching movies and tv shows and video games, i realized that the weirder something is the more i like it and this blog has turned less than weird, which is sad because since only a fraction of people read this compared to what it used to be, that should open up more avenues for experimentation.


  3. Thursday, December 24, 2015

    not only does shit happen but we’re lucky it does 

    cheesecakethe knuckleball isnt thrown with the knuckles

    it’s thrown with the finger


    the goal is to throw the ball with absolute

    zero spin on it

    so the wind will take over

    and zig it this way

    and then drop it


    when theres a knuckleball pitcher, the catcher puts on a different (bigger) mitt than he normally uses

    because even he won’t know where the ball is gonna land.

    it turns out the randomness of nature, in this example, minor changes in wind patterns

    is better at fooling batters than pinpoint accuracy.

    happy accidents. the joy luck club. putting the ball in mother natures hands. letting go of the illusion of control. mastering that which cannot be tamed.

    because of its difficulty and its steep downside, there are very few professional knuckleballers in the game today.

    if i was 12 years old right now, theres only one pitch i would be working on

    every day, all day

  4. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    the xbi asked me what i wanted for christmas 

    marilyn and michael

    i said a warhol of marilyn and one of michael

    they said, thats impossible.

    i said, do you know how little is impossible

    we used to think flying to the moon was impossible

    do you even know how wifi works?

    sometimes beautiful women will follow you into your room

    and pull your hands to their breasts and make out with you.


    nothing is impossible.

    there was an annoyingly long silence

    and finally i just said


    and clicked the end button on the dashboard.

  5. i keep thinking about Jesus and wondering what he thinks about the USA 

    banksy christmas card

    and how some politicians are all, no way man you can’t let foreigners into OUR COUNTRY

    and how some of the people, many of them actually, are like HELL TO THE NO – STAY OUT FREAKS!

    and they all run around high fiving each other while mumbling this n that about the gays and the blacks and

    i wonder if Jesus is like, shit when i was down there it was bad, but youd think after two thousand years something woulda gotten better

    Silver Lake got better, downtown, even the Cubs have all improved.

    “why is it that the richest, smartest, most blessed nation on the whole globe is acting like a bunch of damn dummies?” Jesus is probs asking right now in between performing miracles while a harp plays in the distance.

    free will, says the cherub.

    they were always damn dummies, says another, giggling, and then farting out a lil rainbow.

    these were the people i loved the most, Jesus whispers to himself, probs, sniffling from sadness

    wondering if anything he ever said or did mattered or got listened to

    number one best seller around the globe but did anyone really

    get it?

    did anyone in power ever say

    Oooooooooooh we’re supposed to


    to the poor and destitute and sick and dying and persecuted?

    are you sure we arent supposed to heckle and renounce?

    and the donkey in the clouds eats hay

    and way far away

    Jesus says the f word

    and slams a door


  6. i cant stop thinking about miss colombia 

    miss colombiaand how her life is ruined now and no one loves her any more

    and no one wants to give her a job

    and she’ll probably be deported out of colombia for being a loser

    because second place is as bad as last place

    and she’ll have to be a refugee in america

    but no one likes refugees here any more and theyre gonna just blow up the statue of liberty because it has the nerve to say bring me your tired your poor your huddled masses yearning to be free

    and your sorta hot beauty queens who got mistaken as miss universes yearning to bring peace to the world

    all of her business cards now have to be re-done to say First Runner Up

    i mean every school kid knows all the names of all the miss universes, but does any one even remember the name of one first runner up? seriously. they dont even test for that. thats not even extra credit. thats not even a bonus round. thats not even in Jeopardy because not only is it impossible but no one cares: Name ANY first runner up for Miss Universe?

    Ken Jennings wouldnt even be able to do that. but i told her, it’s ok Miss Colombia, now someone can say you, Miss Colombia, you are the first first runner up that someone can name. she said really? i said, yes of course. really! and she was so happy to hear it that she got even newer business cards that now read.

    the first First Runner Up that you can name.

    and once again the world famous busblog

    is right there for yr ass

  7. Monday, December 21, 2015

    now is not the time to blame steve harvey 

    colombiaeven though i think Steve Harvey is a bit of a doofus clown, and not exactly my first pick as the host of the miss universe pageant, an event we used to cover here on the busblog extensively, i dont think the mess up was entirely his fault

    after working behind the scenes on a number of projects over the years, the blame has to be placed on the producers.

    the lights, the music, the crowd, the beautiful women, the excitement, vegas, can distract anyone.

    therefore the words need to be written clearly on the card.

    and simply.

    all that should have been on that card was:




    i dont care that this is a last minute tabulation, you have a dozen producers getting paid for this show, you need to treat your talent as talent, their job is to read the words you give them.

    so give them clear clear clear words.

    im sorry this isnt clear


    oh wait, yes it is.

    steve harvey is to blame.

    nobody pay him.