nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 22, 2016

    my team was stolen from me tonight, ladies and gentlemen 


    see that team? see how great that team is?

    it used to be better.

    last night i drafted that team in probably the greatest Auction Draft performance i’ve ever done.

    in a 20 team league.

    i let them go for all the high priced talent, spending soooo much money on this guy and that guy

    and then i jumped in and brought home the world.

    it was a Hitters Only league which should have tipped me off that this was not being run with someone with a full love of the game

    nor of the sportsmanship of Fantasy Sports

    because at around 6pm i was alerted that my team had been had been hijacked


    Continue reading “my team was stolen from me tonight, ladies and gentlemen”

  2. welcome to Oscar Week 

    chef wolfgang puck food

    well here it is, the home stretch.

    every day this week i’m gonna be working. of course murphys law everyone wants to do things with me this week and i pretty much have to say no to everyone because me and about 500 of my closest co-workers are doing our best to put on the finest show on earth.

    last week chef wolfgang puck had his annual preview of the food and drinks that will be served at the show and governors ball. the week before that was the nominations luncheon. and on sunday will be the granddaddy of them all.

    last night i saw a few movies including Ex Machina which i liked more than i expected. but mostly i just rested and paced myself because who knows what will happen this week at work, so it’s best if one is healthy and prepared.

    i bought a bag of oranges for that vitamin c.


  3. Sunday, February 21, 2016

    is there something wrong with me that im secretly happy 

    every time Donald Trump wins a state?

    i think he’s winning because people dont like it when other people are full of crap.

    except for our moms, everyones has a little crap in em

    but how insulting when someone thinks that they can just bs us

    believing that we’re just too dense to figure out their lies.

    when trump is wrong about things it isnt because he’s trying to pull the wool over our eyes

    it’s because he’s just not interested in the truth.

    do i want him as president?


    do i think he might lead us to world war 3?

    i dont think the generals would let him do that.

    some people are all talk. bluster. bark, not bite.

    i dont think he would get angry and drop a bomb.

    i also dont think he would build a wall.

    but if he did, it’d be worth looking at.

  4. we are all africans 

    tumblr_o0sfkn6saY1qz72h4o1_r3_250imagine if you were able to teach your dog how to do morse code

    and at first you think he got lucky

    but then you realize he really knows what hes saying

    when he taps on the floor,

    Alpo is disgusting. i thought you loved me.

    for all we know, our words, our tweets, our blog posts

    our songs

    are all being broadcast to ends of the universe.

    and who knows, maybe something will leak out

    tumblr_o0sfkn6saY1qz72h4o4_r4_250to someone far far far far far away.

    and they’ll say to their friend,

    i heard the weirdest thing last night

    through the buzz and static and nonsense

    i could have sworn i heard someone say

    we are all africans.

    so i researched africa

    and it’s this giant continent

    on a planet called earth

    in the milky way galaxy.

    turns out, africa is hugely influential on the planet

    it’s where a good deal of its most popular music is derived fromtumblr_o0sfkn6saY1qz72h4o5_r4_250

    an ungodly amount of exotic plants, animals and minerals,

    but ironically one of the least powerful

    and poor

    places on the entire globe.

    and do you know why?

    neither do they.

    well let’s help them, the one says to the other.

    i was thinking the same thing, the other says to the one.

    but should we? should more advanced creatures


    others, simply because they seem interesting and deserving?

    shouldnt they figure it out on their own?

    what if they never figure it out, asked the one.

    tumblr_o0sfkn6saY1qz72h4o6_r4_250they will, eventually, the other told the one, but what a waste of time struggling to get there.

    imagine what they could have done with that time if they had known.

    and selfishly, imagine what they could contribute to us.

    and a sound unlike one they had never heard before whispered.

    we should do it said the one.

    it is done said the other.

  5. Saturday, February 20, 2016

    ali and i went to kanpai last night 


    five years ago this weekend we went to vegas with some of her friends

    we all stayed at the palms place

    and then we saw the black keys play.


    back then the black keys were cool.

    last night was cool because we ended up meeting these very nice women who grew up in the south bay.

    they had just worked out at the cross fit downt he street

    they made the terrible decision of saying,

    “lets just pop into kanpai and have a few slices of king salmon.”

    next thing you know theyre eating drinking and telling us their deepest secrets

    ali at kanpai

    this was all at the new kanpai on sepulveda. ali had never been.

    on a friday at 730pm even the new kanpai is packed so we went to this german place next door

    for a quickie beer drinking competition.

    i let her win.


  6. today the cubs began the year they will win the world series 

    cubs it’s a magic trick done right in front of everyones faces

    it’s a bank robbery where the crooks say, we’re gonna rob the wells fargo on this street on this date at this time

    and not only will we take all the money but we’re gonna bake a cake in the employees break room.

    here are the gentlemen who will pull the heist of a lifetime


    79 Andury Acevedo
    49 Jake Arrieta
    32 Dallas Beeler
    50 Rex Brothers
    53 Trevor Cahill
    36 Aaron Crow
    6 Carl Edwards Jr.
    57 Stephen Fife
    48 Brandon Gomes
    52 Justin Grimm
    39 Jason Hammel
    28 Kyle Hendricks
    80 Pierce Johnson
    45 Eric Jokisch
    41 John Lackey
    51 Jack Leathersich
    34 Jon Lester
    63 Jean Machi
    62 Edgar Olmos
    40 Spencer Patton
    83 Felix Pena
    38 Jon Pettibone
    54 Neil Ramirez
    33 Clayton Richard
    60 C.J. Riefenhauser
    81 Armando Rivero
    56 Hector Rondon
    59 Zac Rosscup
    55 Drew Rucinski
    46 Pedro Strop
    71 Duane Underwood
    43 Adam Warren
    87 Ryan Williams
    37 Travis Wood


    76 Willson Contreras
    82 Taylor Davis
    15 Tim Federowicz
    47 Miguel Montero
    3 David Ross
    12 Kyle Schwarber


    7 Arismendy Alcantara
    9 Javier Baez
    17 Kris Bryant
    75 Jeimer Candelario
    29 Jesus Guzman
    66 Munenori Kawasaki
    2 Tommy La Stella
    19 Kristopher Negron
    44 Anthony Rizzo
    27 Addison Russell
    61 Christian Villanueva
    74 Dan Vogelbach
    18 Ben Zobrist


    78 Albert Almora
    72 John Andreoli
    8 Chris Coghlan
    22 Jason Heyward
    21 Matt Murton
    5 Juan Carlos Perez
    68 Jorge Soler
    20 Matt Szczur

  7. Friday, February 19, 2016

    a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February 


    we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

    kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

    kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

    yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

    i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

    the boy just looked at me.

    i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

    he said, they are suicide bombers.

    i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

    i said yes! yes!

    he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

    which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

    and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

    The Kanyes

    The Kickstarters

    The Kombuchas

    The Korean BBQs

    The High Flying Kites

    The Killer Kittens

    The Kreepy Klowns

    and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

  8. Thursday, February 18, 2016
  9. we are all salesmen, always. and coffee is for closers 

    kanyewhen i was a lad i sold tvs on commission.

    it was a commission only store. you got a draw of about $400 a week, but that was really only minimum wage after taxes and no one waned to just make draw.

    and the store would fire you if thats all you made. they wanted sales sales sales.

    i was 19 and i loved the pressure. but mostly i loved the reward of being better than the other guy. theres something nice about being paid for what you did and being punished for what you didnt do.

    every other Saturday theyd bring sales trainers in to pump us up and give us tips. i remember one guy said that if we could get laid we could sell anything because the weiner is probably the least satisfying part of a mans body. he explained to us on a dreary saturday in west LA that the woman’s body rarely reaches climax through vaginal intercourse and yet men are constantly trying to convince women to engage in that activity with them.

    i was 19 listening to this. trying to eat a bagel. the aroma of Windex was in the air as the store was getting ready to open.

    i didnt want to hear any of this. but the gentleman in his suit, tie, and free pens kept talking.

    he said if you could, in effect, sell your junk you were actually selling yourself which was the root of sales.

    “once the customer is convinced that you are trustworthy,” he said, “you can get them to pay for anything.”

    ironically i was one of the store’s top salesmen for that year.

    and i wouldnt experience, lets say, adulthood, for almost two more years.

    and trust me, that was not a sales pitch. it was a birthday gift.

    but still to this day i think about that sales trainer, and i believe a lot of what he says.

    especially the part about life being sales.

    which is why i worry about kanye.

  10. Wednesday, February 17, 2016

    i once had a boss who hated me 

    prince passportduring one of our many private meetings where he tried to ridicule me

    he accused me of being cool.

    it was a while ago but i think he said something like “and you walk around trying to be sooooo coooool…”

    i was all, boss, i wear rock tshirts, jeans and a cubs hat, you think that’s me trying to be cool?

    keep in mind, i didnt even have a car at the time. i rode the bus everywhere.

    anyways, today, just like then, i felt that there was a level of coolness that i have never and will never reach, and that is Prince.

    Prince is old enough to be a grandfather. Lord knows Tyga’s doorman would have let him into that club the other night.

    And best of all today he released his new passport photo, because I think even Prince knew he looked like a sexy MF.

    but when you look at this picture and try to figure out what makes it cool it isnt the amazing jacket or trippy Carlos Santana shirt

    it’s not the Lenny Kravitz afro or Liza Minelli eyelashes

    it’s that thin, barely there, Latin-influenced moustache

    and pucker.

    which all comes from heavy doses of attitude.

    something i definitely had way back in the day, so maybe i was emitting some essence of cool.

    but it sure as hell wasn’t Prince level.