nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, March 31, 2016

    i drove like a hundred miles last night 

    space shuttle mountain

    through canyons no wise driver would drive.

    we have this thing called acceptance rate and just like in life youve gotta keep it up

    so you do dumb things like go up to the top of mountains to pick up who pinged you

    normally youd just cancel that ish because people who live in gazillion dollar homes

    and yet order the cheapest possible uber – well it just seems weird.

    sometimes its a nanny or a kid or someone using air b n b and in those cases its ok.

    but last night i got an Uber Select ping way up on top of old smokey and Waze said it was only 8 minutes

    but just like in life sometimes Waze cray.

    it was more like 15 which is still fine because doing this crazy bonus thing most of your rides net you $2 or $4

    so whenever you can get a Select ride then thats great because not only is that one more ride towards the 100

    but at least this one is gonna be profitable.

    she was gorgeous, wore a cape, i kid you not, was young, smelled like bubble gum and ironically as we were winding down the twisty curvy road she asked me if i had any gum.

    rule number one of being an uber driver is to carry a gun at all times. kidding mom!

    rule number two is have barf bags at the ready.

    but rule number three is never ever ever ever ever ever have gum because you will certainly see it in your carpet or seats in the morn.

    which is why i carry mints, which i found for her and gave to her and youd think youd tip a brother for that

    but the only tip i got was from this drunk dude named pablo who i picked up at a bar who i had picked up there once before

    and we drove to his apartment on the west side and talked about the Lakers the whole time

    and as he was getting out of the car struggled to find money in his fat wallet filled with business cards and promises

    and pulled out one and then two dollars and said thank you amigo

    and i said day nada my friend.

  2. my cat is being so nice to me, does it think i have cancer? 

    JYYbQCiremember that one creepy cat in that hospital who knew when people were dying? it would go into the rooms and chill with the people and a few days later they would croak.

    my boy cat Prince has been so nice, he normally doesnt cuddle, he normally sleeps at the foot of my bed. lately he has been right next to me when i wake up and right now hes in my lap as i blog.

    i feel healthy? i dont sense any cancer? i just got a check up and it checked out.

    if i am about to die, i loved you all, i feel blessed. i had a full life. i had good friends, cool jobs, and a parade of the most interesting women a mild mannered man could have.

    if only id lived long enough to have seen the Cubs win it all.


    i saw the first black president pull it off in spite of unprecedented cock blocking.

    i watched the rise of the Internet and the demise of boredom.

    i was able to publish my stupidest thoughts to millions of people and have so many of them right back and say right on tony.

    i was able to be a fake taxi driver, which is something i always wanted to do.

    i got to move to LA as a teen and learn it and live in it and love it and write for various newspapers and tell its story. trust me when i tell you, i never thought i was gonna be allowed to do even a smidge of that and voila.

    i got to self publish a couple of my own books which is the essence of freedom. and i loved them. and i am sad that Cafe Press pulled the plug on that feature before telling me or else i would have printed up a hundred more of stiff and how to blog. sorry charlies.

    i got to see my friends have beautiful babies and make kick ass rock n roll. i got to see sooooo much kick ass rock n roll.

    i got to walk the red carpet a few times and even get paid for it. how does that even happen?

    so if this cat is right and i only have a few hours to live, dont cry for me isla vista, it’s been a far better life than a boy from bumfuck illinois could have ever dreamed of

    whats this tuna fish doing in my pocket?

  3. Wednesday, March 30, 2016

    anna keeps sending me pictures as if 

    annalast night when i was driving a nice nanny home jeanine called so i put her on speaker

    she was telling me that she wasnt coming home and i said fine. when it was over she said ok, i love you!

    i replied likewise and when we hung up i explained to my passenger who jeanine was and that she was sleeping on my couch temporarily.

    oh how sweet that you still tell each other you love each other.

    i said yeah.

    the lady told me that where she’s from (el salvador), when a relationship is over there is no i love yous any more.

    i said, america is sorta the same, but there are exceptions.

    it depends, i told her, on how the relationship was and how it ended.

    i told her that when jeanine and i were over we had a breakup party and three bands played.

    maria the nanny had a hard time comprehending it.

    i said, it was a different time. pre 9/11, pre-internet. we were lucky to have cable tv

    she said, but bands? i said yeah, rock n roll was still alive.

    i said but there are other exes that i dont care to hear from any more, like anna.

    then i told her about anna and then handed her my cell phone and opened the text messages.

    almost every day this woman sends you pictures of herself.

    si, i said.

    pretty girl! she said, with a wink and handed it back.

    i said looks are deceiving, as is anna, which is why i dont really respond and why i would have a very hard time trusting her again, which is why it’s best to move on.

    maria’s accent was thick, but she did understand everything

    and as she got out she said, i love you tony

    and winked.

  4. im trying to get that uber bonus again 


    two weeks ago i hit the goal and got the $500 bonus for doing over 75 trips.

    this week they upped it so you have to do 100 trips to get the $500.

    in the small print they say of your 100, you can only do 15 rides at USC so i went there to find out if it was really that easy over there for short rides and sure enough i found this fascinating trend.

    theres a semi-luxury apartment complex where 100s of students live on west adams. and on Fig theres a row of fast food joints.

    if the students can afford to live in the complex they can certainly afford the $4 ride from Panda Express to their home 0.48 miles away.

    usually uber drivers would be frustrated with such a short ride but when youre trying to rack up as many as you can, they’re little blessings.

    i got three of these last night and in the final one i asked the two young men where they were from. China.

    i asked, how do American girls compare to Chinese ones in China. one said he prefers mainland Chinese ladies the other said USA USA.

    then i said, of the Chinese girls at USC do most of them want to date American dudes or do they love the fact that youre from China too? they both said they prefer native Chinese dudes.

    so as they left i said, dont do drugs, stay in school, but they didnt really know what i was talking about so they said, you too!

  5. Tuesday, March 29, 2016

    dear tony, what’s wrong with me 

    the broadDear My Favourite Blogger,

    SOme times I feel so weird. And not in an art school cool way. But worse. Not in ascary way so don’t worry Tony. But I don’t feel of this Earth,

    Can you relate?

    dear unrelatable,

    sometimes in the morning my computer hesitates and pauses. it needs time to think before it lets me do the things i want to do.

    sometimes the stupid rainbow wheel appears over and over.

    theres two things you can do about it, you can get frustrated and waste time and fight with it.

    or you can just restart that bad boy.

    in life sometimes it’s good to restart. not kill yourself, psycho, but either break up with your boyfriend, get a hair cut, take a shower, or do like what i do, which is either take a nap or walk around the block.

    when i walk around the block i put my head down and remind myself of a lot of the good things that happened in my life that led me here. if something bad enters my head i stop walking and let it pass, then i get on with the good things and keep walking.

    at first it might take a while to get around the block with all the stopping going on, but over time you learn how to train your mind to block out all the things the devil wants to invade your brain with and you can have a peaceful walk that includes

    the time angela romano gave you your first kiss, the time you won best in state in drum line, the time you met your friends at the dorms, the time two smoking hot babes took you into the desert, the time you escaped the clutches of the xbi and did donuts on the frozen lake, the time you got that huge newspaper’s blogs zooming just like you promised, the time you made bruce willis laugh and keep laughing

    and that time you realized the busblog would live forever.

    after walks like that you realize there are so many more things you could add to the list and you feel better and you almost wanna walk around the block again but guess what your computer in your heart has restarted

    and its time to rock.

    good luck weirdo.

    and thanks for the nudes.

  6. sometimes you’ll drive for about five minutes 

    bearand you get to their block, and then to their driveway

    and they’ll wave you in.

    and they’ll look at you and then walk into their house

    all three of them

    and you’ll sit there for a few minutes listening to tom petty

    and you’ll think to yourself, what?

    you were right here.

    i was right here.

    i AM right here.

    and you guys went the total opposite way.

    so after another minute i texted them

    i said, hi this is uber, im only required to wait five minutes

    and we are four minutes in…

    and boom they pop out

    and we get going and grandma is sitting next to me and the nine year old is in the back and mom is next to him and young aunt is there. and they say they need another car for the rest of the family

    then they tell me this is their first time in america

    and theyre going to disneyland tomorrow and then joshua tree

    and i think to myself, you are such a terrible person. why cant you be patient? why do you always have to be this way? why cant you just chill you chill in traffic you chill under fire you chill under the most stressful situations

    why cant you just sit in the driveway of life and listen to tom petty

    and wait your damn turn


  7. Monday, March 28, 2016

    jon lovitz is dating a woman 31 years younger than he is 

    jon lovitzand i say Mazel Tov

    age aint nothing than a number especially when love is involved.

    there was a time when i was dating a much younger woman and some friends would ask what do you two talk about

    i said, what do you and i talk about?

    do we talk about bonds and hemoroid creams?


    neither does me and my teen gf.

    im sure jon and his babe talk about all the normal things normal people talk about:

    movies, donald trump, the effect of canada’s weak pound compared to the yen, who is going to pay $100 to see the Lakers next year when theres no Kobe, do i look fat in these overalls, when was the last time you heard a lead guitar in a pop song in the Top 40, where can a man get a cheap iphone charger cable for less than a thousand dollars?

    we are all humans just trying to love and be loved and who doesnt wanna be with someone smart and funny if youre a woman and smart and sexy if youre a man?

    life is short. love lives are shorter. i say have fun, tip your uber drivers and love with all your heart until you die.

    update: it was all a hoax. love is dead

  8. Sunday, March 27, 2016

    jesus was all, its cool, chill out, but they didnt 

    runim almost done with reading the gospels. they’re all a little different.

    it makes me think maybe some biographies should be written in four chapters

    all by different authors

    that way if one guy is easily impressed, thats fine,

    but maybe the next guy wont look at all of it the same way.

    one thing that ive noticed is pontious pilate gets a pretty fair shake in each of the books

    every time its his turn he says

    whats the damn deal here

    and jesus is all

    and pp is like, why are all of these people super pissed off at you and wanna kill you?

    and jesus is all

    and pp goes are you the king of the jews

    and jesus is all

    and pp is like who even cares? angry mob i see no crime here, im out. peace!

    and they were all, no peace unless you kill him

    and pp was all omg finnnnnne whatever!

    so i wonder what four writers would write about bob dylan

  9. Saturday, March 26, 2016
  10. friction 

    daliwe need it to be creative

    lights need darks so you can see them

    dali knows this

    i know this

    but i avoid the dark

    i only indulge when i shouldnt

    in those instances i should be seeking out

    the light

    life is balance

    the auto balance is broken

    learn the manual

    life is mixtures

    life is fissures

    life is grand finales

    i never thought id see the end of rock n roll

    and yet

    if it was a river i havent seen any new big fish in quite a while

    maybe we need this darkness

    maybe this is the friction

    maybe this is the part where everything gets crazy (as a reaction to the chill) and it’s the stuff that will make yr mustache curl