nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, April 21, 2016

    i knew she was a model right away 

    modelshe was tall, skinny, carefree. made me wait.

    i got pinged about 7 minutes away. i was in venice. i forget why. who knows.

    it was surging almost double the normal price so i accepted it.

    youd think if you ping an uber and 7 minutes later youd be ready, but think again. life isnt like that. youre gonna wait. the pin was dropped on a lifeguard station on the beach so as i went down as far as i could on the street i called.

    hey this is uber

    hi yeah, can you wait just a minute, im in the candy store on the boardwalk.

    did this piss me off? of course. it’s my fatal flaw. it’s the thing that will probably kill me one day. it’ll give me a heart attack. for some reason i believe that if when you order your uber and it says he will be there in 7 minutes, you should be outside waiting when it says he will arrive.

    NOT omg i have 7 minutes, lets browse and then BUY THINGS at the candy store.

    so as i waited in an alley right near the beach i took a snapchat of the scene – which was beautiful – the sun had set – the seagulls had descended – the shops were closing up – the tourists were strolling

    the palm trees were saying just enjoy where youre at, tony,

    not where you think you should be

    so i did.

    and she emerged from the candy store, a tall


    dark figure with good hair and a little bag

    she got in behind me

    said, wanna gummy bear


  2. Wednesday, April 20, 2016

    sometimes i know whats going on 

    ice cube and axlsometimes i dont know whats happening at all

    last night a pretty girl came over and said lets make crazy love.

    i said omg lets watch this movie about Tower Records first.

    this is what happens when you get super olde, btw

    so she was just happy to be there so she said fine and we turned on the tv and she made popcorn and we watched the movie

    just as i thought, she fell asleep about 20 minutes into it because she was too young to remember when record stores mattered, you know when they were the center of the universe and if you really loved music youd know where they all were in every part of town and which ones were great at used records and which ones were great at singles and which ones were cheap and which ones were perfect for imports

    the tower records story was fascinating. i didnt know anything about it. it pretty much mirrored the trajectory of records in general. the dude started by getting a part of his dads drug store and he bought 45s in frisco and drove them to Sacto and sold them and drove back and bought twice as many and sold twice as many

    then one day he was all fuckit, let me get a big ass location in frisco and make “the biggest record store in the world” and he did and it was a success and every time he built a record store it was pretty much a success. and everything went well until the industry a) stepped away from singles and got greedy and tried to shove albums down everyones throats for $16.99

    and b) didnt pay close enough attention to napster and itunes and the ipod.

    but one magical thing happened: Japan. tower figured out how to make it happen in Japan early on and there are still Tower Records stores there to this day.

    which is something no one would have predicted (none in the US and tons there) which tells me its ok not to know things. its ok to rise and fall. its ok to live life filled with love and wonder.

    and rock n roll may die, but all those great tunes never will.

  3. Tuesday, April 19, 2016

    im going to the dentist in 15 minutes 

    babeif it seems like i go to the dentist a lot it’s because i do go to the dentist a lot.

    like michael anthony hall in sixteen candles, fresh breath is key to my life.

    i also have bleeding gums like bleeding gums murphy

    an old xbi ailment when then used to punch us in the face repeatedly so as to see if we really could not feel any more pain.

    the only pain i feel these days is in my soul.

    i look back at the things i did or said and i think was that the right choice?

    did i do the right things?

    should i have?

    shouldnt i have?

    i dont read old busblog posts because they can haunt me

    for whole minutes.

    i dont even like to be haunted for seconds.

    i like to enjoy this little breath of time that we have together on this magical planet.

    i like to feel love and be loved and eat and taste and dance the body electric.

    i dont have time for the flim flam pajama waltz of times gone by

    theres a reason they went by.

    now is the time of the zip zap.

    today is the day we should be on jet packs.

    the only reason we aint is because we dont believe we can.

    and some dont believe we deserve it.

    you deserve it sweet souls of today

    we all have earned the good

    simply by being

    children of the creator

    mirrors of his soul

    light of his life

    defenders of the boogie.

    now open up and say fuck yeah

  4. Monday, April 18, 2016

    i am a half million years old 

    work of artand on this journey i have seen a million beautiful images. these eyes. oh boy. what theyve seen.

    ive gone to museums, rock shows, wonders of the world.

    some of the most amazing women have said hi busblog and stripped down and hugged me.

    ive read amazing books, been taught by some of the brightest teachers.

    and living in california most of my life ive seen more than my fair share of gorgeous landscapes, sunsets, and skateboard tricks.

    most of the time i say, why have you given me this, Lord, why me? who am i?

    and every now and then a little voice will whisper: because you will write it down.

    im reading Acts right now which is one of my favorite books of the bible because shit gets cray in there. some weird magical stuff goes down and people are all wtf! after all of that i went to the movies with a pretty girl who in the middle of the movie asked me to squeeze her bare leg, so i did. it was the best part of the film.

    i get disappointed easily because i have high hopes. especially for movies. especially for movies directed by ppl who rarely make bad movies.

    but perhaps one reason i am so thankful for when i get to see or experience something super good

    is because i sit through so much crud.

    Everybody Wants Some was crud.

    if bro wanted to make a gay movie, he should have. but maybe he thought it would be ok. it’s ok bro.

    that movie i sat through last night was not ok.

  5. Sunday, April 17, 2016

    like many my age, Angus Young is my favorite guitarist 

    angus young caricature because i’m the luckiest man alive, i got to see the Back in Black tour when i was in high school.

    i was blown away.


    ive followed them ever since, ive seen them maybe 10 times since and loved them with all of my heart.

    the band has an amazing history and part of their uniqueness is, for whatever reason, they don’t play with other bands.

    angus has never laid down a solo for any other band.

    and brian johnson, only once, sang with another band live after he joined ac/dc, and that was with Billy Joel (!) onstage because billy wanted to do Shook Me All Night Long with the singer during one of his Madison Square Garden shows.

    brian also was on a Sting song once but that was so bizarre that even in a blog that says “nothing in here is true” dare i even mention it since the reader might think this whole thing is farcical.

    sadly it is not.

    yesterday AC/DC put out a cold-hearted press release wishing Johnson farewell. they said that it was due to doctors orders. they claim medical professionals said Brian could permanently lose his hearing if he continued to tour with the hard rock group that he has fronted since he did the impossible: fill the shoes of Bon Scott in 1980.

    not only did Brian take over for Bon, but his debut with AC/DC was Back in Black, one of the best selling records in the history of records which sold over 50 million units world wide.

    my interns are telling me Back in Black is the 2nd biggest record of all time next to Thriller.

    and then he fronted the group for 36 years, every record they made with brian sold millions of copies, every tour was a mammoth world wide arena filling moneymaker

    how do you say goodbye to your singer with a short press release after all of that?

    if angus wanted to do something he’d never done before (play with a new singer for a few gigs) did he really need to fire Brian to do it?

    adios brian ac/dcgranted, things are tough for Angus right now, his brother and long time co-writer and BFF malcolm has slipped into dementia and is close to death.

    AC/DC’s latest record Rock or Bust is the lowest selling album the band ever released. barely a half million units were sold in the US despite headlining Coachella last year and filling baseball stadiums around the nation.

    at 61 years old he doesnt fly around the stage as fast as he once did

    which must be depressing.

    but could it be as depressing as being kicked out of the band and replaced by a screeching Axl Rose who is clearly only doing it to a) bring attention to the Guns n Roses “reunion” tour b) avoid Slash c) distract himself from making the Guns show the best it can be.

    meanwhile Brian is saying he was kicked out. that as soon as he told the band what the doc said that they didn’t even listen to him when he told them that the doc wanted to figure out a way to work with the issue. all his stuff was shipped to his door and it was over.

    bye felicia.

    so i have mixed feelings about last night at coachella when during the guns n roses headlining performance they brought out angus for two songs.

    of course it’s great to see him and hear him and have him back in the desert where they rocked two, two-hour sets last year. and despite the fact that axl didn’t know parts of Whole Lotta Rosie, he did sound good.

    but it all felt like a royal F-U to loveable brian

    how am i supposed to like this, let a lone love it?

    and why wasn’t Slash allowed a solo?

    is angus losing his mind too?

    is angus not a nice guy?

    did malcolm balance him out and thats why we never heard or saw any of this?

    now i gotta buy Brians book from 2009 and see if there are any clues.

    i’ll have plenty of money because now i wont be buying any tickets to see ACDC with Axl fronting it

  6. Friday, April 15, 2016

    saving bree 

    save bree

    Bree Olson is a former porn star.

    but in real life she is also a


    her name is Rachel Oberlin from Indiana. she has feelings. she has thoughts. she has dreams.

    she wants to be a nurse.

    unfortunately she was super good at the thing she got famous doing

    and no nursing institutions will let her be a nurse now because sex is bad, apparently

    especially if a camera is rolling, even though thats totally legal.

    she’s sorta losing her mind now and wants to go to rehab.

    she says she drinks too much and takes too many anxiety pills.

    she says a medium price joint that specializes in former adult performers

    costs $100k for 90 days. so she put up a GoFundMe last night and told everyone about it

    through a heartbreaking Periscope video.

    I hope one of her famous admirers pays a good chunk of the bill.

    or the multitudes of her fans chip in $5 or $20.

    i gave $25 because ive seen first hand – well, second hand – how effective rehab can be for a girl.

    Long live Bree. Long live Rachel.

  7. Thursday, April 14, 2016

    went to the doctor today and they said i had to see a specialist 

    da bearsthis is what happens when you try to use the xbi insurance.

    they want you only to see xbi doctors and

    its not because they care about you

    they just wanna keep an eye on their investment

    even if you are just a shell of who you used to be

    i havent been a solid xbi agent in years

    they swear they can get me back in shape if i had the desire to get there but

    as you get older the things you care about substantially changes

    when youre little you want candy

    then you want a bike

    then you want a girlfriend

    then you want a car

    then you want a plane

    then you want a mythical black helicopter that barely makes a sound but ironically can stabilize large groups of terrible people through audio technology that can bring them to their knees with nausea.

    then you want two cars.

    all i want right now is to see the cubs win the world series and it looks like theyre on their way.

    then i want some ice cream.

    then i want to help people.

    the other day someone asked me what i wanna be when i grow up

    i said i wanna never grow up.

    because it seems like the more shit you gotta do

    the less shit you get to do.

    and all the shit i wanna do is for you.

  8. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  9. sometimes you just hit it off 

    christinasometimes you dont

    sometimes everything you say they get it truly and go same same same

    sometimes you just want them to shhhh cuz uhhh

    then sometimes what was once incredible and necessary and required, fades



    and never comes back

    not even in the still silence of a desert sunset

    not even on a bet.

    sometimes when things arent connecting you dont even wanna look at them

    because for sure theyll be able to read it all over your face

    theyll read your mind or worse

    and sometimes when things are, you wanna hug em good bye like an old friend whos about to go off on a cruise around the world

    and further.

    sometimes life doesnt feel like a graphic novel at all.

    it feels like a jello shot festival.

  10. Tuesday, April 12, 2016

    the cubs won their home opener last night 

    addison russel

    i was super busy all day except for during the game and during the game i was frozen

    they were getting no-hit through 6 by a 23 year old nobody

    the Cubs had powered their way through the west averaging 7 runs a game and here they were at home and they couldnt get a hit

    until they could.

    and then they did

    and they came back

    punctuated by a blast from their 22 yr old infielder Addison Russell

    the cubs play their games on the corner of Clark and Addisson, fyi

    after they pulled ahead their closer came on and shut down the whoever it was they were playing


    with a sexy 6-1 record.

    all is good in the world. mostly.