what if amber was my last girlfriend?

amberif you ask me ive had a miraculous streak of amazing girlfriends

but i had zero last year.

the last one i had was in 2014, miss amber smith blog.

what if thats it for me? what if tinder and bumble are the only ways to get girls nowadays and what if that doesnt work out?

will i be alone forever?

will i be eternally a bachelor waiting for that sweet moment of death to silence me?

what if im unlovable?

what if the only way i can get someone to want to be with me is to go to the gym?

is it worth it?

shouldnt i want someone to love me for my heart, for my mind, for the cool things i retweet?

what if word got out that im a bad kisser?

what if everything i did was wrong?

i see people get together, i see people even get married, and lately ive seen people gotten divorced.

was it better to just drive around and not have to have gone through all of that?

was it better the life ive had, dates, hookups, concerts, back seats, front seats, car hoods


public parks

parking lots?

some of them have kids and thats nice. the kids are nice. they are our future i hear. but are they?

the milleniums were supposed to be our future but they listen to such garbage and do everything wrong. but who am i to talk, i do everything wrong too.

et tu busblog.

what i like about mick jagger is he was comfortable in his non attatchmentness but then one day his long time girlfriend said we need to get married so they got married and then they got divorced because some things dont look good with sweaters on them.

my cats for example dont like to be held for very long. they’ll let you do it for like a minute but then they meow and levitate to about two feet away from you and they lay there and eventually pass out from contentment of not being touched by you.

am i content just meeting new runway models and going to shows and restaurants and mountain tops

would i get bored of what it seems like everyone else gets bored of?

theres worse things than being bored.

dont know what it is, but im sure there are worse things.


xtx has inspired me

xbi 33

i havent written a book in a very long time and now is as good as any time to do long hard things

hers have been good and theyve been different and theyve been steady

as has mr steve coulter‘s of rock band tsar

my problem is all i ever want to do is write about the xbi

and even though i dont do it in here

and even if im hinting at them i am basically joking

thats all i want to write about.

its 243am i fucked up and took a nap in the middle of the day

then drank a coke to wake up

i decided this month is going to be a bukowski full month

im gonna read as much bukowski as possible because i really havent read him since college

and i have all these books of his

today will be the city lights publication of the most beautiful woman in town

and other stories.

for some reason i have two copies of it


obama air force

Rolling Stone: How do you make sense of the Donald Trump phenomenon?

Louis CK: I’m not gonna tell Americans how to feel — I think you gotta get out of the way of people’s feelings. It’s a self-cleaning system. Whenever anybody says, “The voters are stupid” – well, the voters elected Obama against a war hero and a multimillionaire, which are classic choices for the other side. I have faith in the American people because of that. And if Trump does win, I feel like we will figure it out.

uber has been having these promotions for drivers

three dollarsbasically if you drive a lot of hours and take a lot of trips they’ll give you a bonus.

in order to take a lot of trips i have to take uber x calls instead of just uber select calls because there arent enough select calls for me to get that bonus.

so the majority of the rides i gave this week were uber x and when i do these deals i see how little uber x drivers are making on a ride and it makes me wonder who could afford to drive any more.

$3 for a 3 mile ride that took probs 5 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to wait and 11 minutes of travel? the calls are not bam bam bam by the way, on weekends like this, there are a lot of drivers out there, and the good people are pacing themselves so they might not be going out every night.

fortunately for me my longest ride was on select and i made as much on that one ride as i made most of the night.

i loved pretty much everyone i drove. thats what makes it worth it.

– super dark skinned swedish(!) model here in LA for the first time. “just take me to the stars on the sidewalk”. as we drove she told me she wanted to go dancing. i said white or black music. she said black. i said playhouse. she said where is it. i said theres stars in front. when we got there the marquee said Puff Daddy she said i love you. i said i know. and when she got out i said “hey dough” and she was all Very Good!

– pretty girl from buffalo grove who says manny pacquio’s entourage works out at her gym and they are quite manly.

– two gay gentlemen all dressed up, one with a cape, on their way to a wedding at the Arboretum in pasadena. we all discovered that none of us had ever been there before. they all met at the LA gay mens choir. i told them hurry tell the Dodgers you wanna sing the anthem. how could they say no?

– two laughing teens (14, 15) getting out of the Starbucks. we devised ways of robbing banks. they said small banks are key. i asked what about the ink exploder, how do you prevent that? they said, lots of coins. COINS?!

– a well dressed woman who had just had dinner with her ex at the Desert Rose on Hillhurst, there was an old man jazz trio AND they were showing the game inside.

– a beautiful woman who had worked at uber since pretty much the start and who had just left the company who had nothing but good things to say about everyone. she thanked me for my service.

– two bros headed to a sports bar. i said are you from The City? they said yes. i told them i lived on Haight back in the day. they asked lower or upper. i said lower, near noc noc. they said across from Molitovs? i said it was called The Midtown then. they said holy crap, we sat on your porch! and they just may have. they said did you ever go to the liquor store? i said the liquor store ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE, DO I LOOK MORMON? they said yea. i said the place run by Mohammaed and his son Mohammed? they said yes and laughed and laughed.

and i hit my goal by 12:45am.

they were loud, there were too many of them, they were late



they took all my water, they pouted when i said i didnt have an AUX cord

they lied about their age

the one next to me said she was going to UCSB, i asked which dorm are you in

she said 3B

they refused to tell me who they were voting for

when i passed by Loyola Marymount High i said, hey isn’t that the school that teacher was accused of sex crimes?

they said no no no thats Marlborough get your facts straight!

they said they were going to a white party

i said that sounds racist

they said no its because there will be a black light there and the white shows up better

i said that still sounds racist

they asked for gum

they said tell us everything about you.

i said im old enough to be your granddad.

they said noooo you look 30.

i said drake is 30, are you saying i look like drake?

for once they were quiet.

they left the bottles in the back of the car like it was the garbage

they begged me to add and tag them on instagram

and then they unfriended me after i did.

i miss them all.

i’m still against it

dog in car


My problem is some humans are insane when it comes to their relationship with animals, particularly when it comes to automobiles. They HAVE to have Fluffy with them! They ride shot gun, their heads sticking out the window, and worse sometimes they’re on their laps with the dog’s head out the driver’s window.

Then there’s these people, who refuse to go anywhere without bringing their dog. Leave the dog at home. That’s clearly a sign that’s been used a bunch of times. A normal practice for this person is to go somewhere and put their pet in a car and idle the car with the AC on. Global Warming is happening but at least her pooch is nearby listening to Die Antwoord.

I have yet to see a dog who looks thrilled to be locked up in a car. And I have yet to have heard of a human who dropped dead because they couldn’t run to the nail salon without bringing their animal.

It may be technically lawful, but it shouldn’t be.

adios Patrick J

patrick and the ladies

yesterday we said goodby to Patrick J, the young drupal developer who was swooped up by our competitor

Patrick had worked with us for about a year and a half. quiet, unassuming, brilliant.

we would go to lunch all the time and talk about Tesla, iphone apps, and the east coast

the weird thing is, when i originally saw his resume and corresponding personal site

i didnt think we should hire him.

that kid is too quiet and his site has pretty much nothing on it i said

so, they asked?

i said he is hiding something.

turned out he WAS hiding something.

he was hiding that he was probs the best drupal developer around.

sad to see him go but excited to see what he will do for them.

rock on Patrick J, thanks for showing me Natalie Thai

ten years ago today i was fired from buzznet

holland wtf

did i deserve it? probably. you cant yell at your boss apparently. even if he deserves it.

was i great at my job? i was incredible.

when it happened i was actually shocked so i went home in a daze and put together this blog post to sorta remind myself what i had done there in such a short period of time.

sadly now the links are broken because buzznet not only doesnt exist but the people who bought the people who bought the people arent like me and dont appreciate the necessity of keeping links working so you’ll just have to use your imagination i guess (or the wayback machine).

regardless i did a lot but i wasnt happy. i was getting sick all the time and throwing up blood almost every day near the end. why? because i was so stressed, more stressed than id ever been in my life. why? because even when i was successful, even when i hit the outrageous goal that one of the co-founders set up for me, he would get angry and disappointed that i didnt fail.

my whole life was about hitting goals because the love of my life, the chicago cubs, could never hit goals. so i had made it my mission to never fail like they had. therefore when i did what was asked of me i expected: rewards, glory, positive feedback, celebrations, smiles, pats on the backs, etc. but i got the opposite.

so i vomited blood.

i went to the doctor and he said dude youre not sick you’re in a terrible situation and your body is telling you to get the fuck out. i said doc youre the greatest. he said “yes yes i am. then he said, any time you talk about blogging you light up, and i dont even know what youre talking about but i light up. i dont know if theres any money in this blogging but you should seek it out.”

and because God is beautiful and life is weird, soon after writing the blog post laying out all the things i did at buzznet i got an email which led to another email which led to me running LAist and getting paid to blog. which a year and a half later led to me running all the blogs at the Times.

so the lesson of this bittersweet anniversary is a) listen to your body b) listen to your doctor c) if youre in a bad gig get the f out and d) there really is light at the end of the tunnel, dont be afraid of it, there is someone somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer: run to them. now. NOW.