1. Friday, June 17, 2016

    mom, you shouldnt read this, trust me 

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    today is the 22nd anniversary of OJs bronco chase which means 22(!) years ago i was roommates with todd francis on Folsom Street in Frisco when we saw the chase.

    Todd had a great apartment which i think was like a guest house in the back of a regular house on Folsom and like 22nd if i remember correctly.

    i had just been asked to transfer from LA to SF for Philips because they were about to introduce this thing called WebTV which connected your TV to the Internet and their guy in SF didn’t know anything about the web (who did 22 years ago?) and wasnt willing to learn.

    so they made me the dude in charge of No Cal, which was fine with me because as much as i loved living in Atwater Village with Greg and Jeff, none of us were getting laid and they were pursing their musical careers and i was up for a change of scenery so why not.

    Todd had an extra room for rent so why not. He was a great roommate, soooo funny, and he was a vegetarian so there were nights when omg i wouldnt eat any meat. trippy.

    right away i started getting dates through AOL for some reason.

    one of the first ones was this rich girl who was sorta seeing this guy whos dad owned a car dealership. beautiful asian girl. i wanna say her name was Candis. i was all, why are you breaking up with your dude. she said because he is so obsessed with money, he never pays any attention to me. i said send me a picture and it was like a put on, she was too beautiful. i was all. take a picture with todays news paper. she said i dont get the paper.

    i said ok take a picture with your hat on backwards and standing on one leg. she did and i was all

    lets go to the drive in, that way we can see a movie AND talk at the same time.

    ok mom if youre still reading you really need to stop because its only gonna get worse.

    so we went to the Cow Palace Drive In and i swear before the previews were over she was half naked and i was all what is going on here?

    os8Y2vvi later found out the girl was a nyphomaniac. lets say i found out the hard way. which is to say after we were done she was all omg that was amazing lets do it again

    the Fat Boys had a movie and i was trying to watch it. i said but but

    and boom she was naked again. so i did the gentlemanly thing and when we were done the movie was over and i was all well i guess i gotta drive you home. and she said its a double feature. Jurassic Park 3 is on next, or was it 2, who knows. and before a dinosaur appeared, there she was naked again literally begging for more attention. i was starting to understand her ex bfs situation.

    the next day was the NBA Finals and todd loves hoops so we were watching it when Candis calls. she starts talking dirty to me telling me how amazing i was and how “mammoth” my schween is. i was all, thats very sweet, but you do know the definition of mammoth, right?

    when all of a sudden they break into the basketball game and its OJ and the Bronco. the game is supposed to be in a commercial but they dont break, they tell us that OJ is on the run. Todd is going crazy. I’m going crazy. Candis is moaning on the phone for some reason and putting the phone down “there” to let me hear how excited she is.

    Frisco!

    i was at a crossroads. do i watch the OJ chase, do i take Candis to the drive in again

    when in the kitchen i hear a snap!

    Todd and I suspected we had mice. so we bought some mouse traps. i was all, “baby i gotta call you back” and we ran into the kitchen and yes our trap had caught the bastard. Todd had one or two snakes. maybe it was just one huge one. so he took the mouse out of the trap and fed his snake with it and we went back to watching OJ.

    my phone rang again and it was Candis. i was all, baby you really should turn on your tv and watch this chase. she said all i want is you, in me, now.

    i said, you seriously could be the next Miss Hawaiian Tropic but OJ was my hero as a kid ive gotta watch this.

    she pouted and hung up and Todd and i watched it and watched it and watched it and he gave the best playbyplay since he loved sports and grew up in Venice so he knew everything about the Westside, which was where the “chase” was. and i had lived in Santa Monica and West LA so i knew some spots too.

    and later that night i took Candis to the drive in and we missed the Fat Boys and Jurrassic Park again and explored nymphomania and fellas, it’s not all that its cracked up to be.

    later we found out we had a hole in our house which is why the mice were coming in.

    and that snake was extremely satisfied while we were discovering it.