busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, July 31, 2016

    what Netflix should do with Stranger Things 

    stranger things

    i like binging as much as the next guy. i order two pizzas, i fire up the little flat screen with the Ps4 and I turn on the big flat screen with the Netflix.

    then i eat, play video games, and watch an entire 8-episode season, as it was intended.

    stranger things posterbut now that Netflix has a hit on its hands with Stranger Things, I wish they would do something that goes against their very nature:

    i wish they would show next season’s episodes one week at a time.

    you know, like regular TV shows do.

    they should do it for several reasons starting with spoilers.

    imagine what would have happened with Game of Thrones if they dumped entire seasons out there all at once.

    the spoilers would spread on day one and no one would be universally shocked when their favorite character meets their doom —

    or is resurrected.

    with this plan, every week will be appointment television for those who know they want to Netflix and chill,

    so why not feed on that?

    why not give them what they want every week for certain shows like OITNB, Love, and Stranger Things, and let them dump entire seasons out there for the unproven series

    far be it from me to tell the wildly successful Netflix how to do their thing, but i didnt want Stranger Things to be over so quickly,

    but i also didn’t want some jackhole giving away how the season ended, so i watched it faster than i wanted to.

    first world problems aside, one reason im not a fan of Sugarfish is because, like binging tv series, some of us prefer to savor the beauty.

    i fully understand that one reason netflix and other outlets put out all of the shows at once is to create a big splash, but congratulations, you have a big splash, Stranger Things is a hit. now move on to phase two of your plan: weekly domination.

    bonus: since the show is a huge wet kiss to 70s/80s nostalgia i would play retro commercials before and after each episode,

    some of which are actually real.

  2. Saturday, July 30, 2016
  3. Friday, July 29, 2016

    the best part of ubering people is you learn 

    sunglasses

    picked up two saudi moms near rodeo drive. we passed a tiny park next to the montage hotel. the park was packed with people. it was 7pm but still super sunny because its summer.

    the two ladies exchanged some words to each other in arabic and laughed. i said, i think it’s a free jazz concert. they said, no it’s an arab meet up. one of the women told me that everyone gets dressed up and “casually” meets at the park and gets to know each other and they talk about all of their homes and cars and great schools their kids are going to and they show off their jewelry.

    the other woman told me that they both like to wear more subtle clothes and not try to be show offs.

    i said, ive been keeping it real my whole life. ignore the shiny benz. they laughed and told me how funny i was.

    i said and? and?

    they paused, not understanding.

    i said, and handsome…?

    they laughed.

    one of them got a phone call. two of her kids were fighting and the nanny was calling for advice. the advice was separate them, make them each read a book. they will be talked to when she returns.

    shiny porcheit was super intense and clear and i would be a little scared while reading my dumb book waiting for my mom to come home.

    the other lady continued saying how much she loves Americans. how nice we are. how helpful we are.

    it made me feel so guilty harboring all these bad 9/11 feelings.

    weirdly she was comparing us to the french. apparently they have a summer pad in the south of france and they demand that everyone speaks french even though they know english and they are not at all welcoming.

    i said, sounds like my inlaws. hey now!

    miles davis was playing on the radio because thats what i drive on the expensive platform.

    we made a stop at a fancy wilshire condo skyscraper and dropped off the scary mom. in the driveway was a porche suv but it had gotten customized so that it was metallic looking. and on closer inspection it had its rims Bedazzled. from afar they looked like diamonds.

    “see! see!” they said to each other. “arabs!”

    i had already taken a snapchat picture.

    more things the nice mom told me:

    even though she doesnt obsess over fancy things, she loves diamonds, great purses, shoes, nice dresses, and good hotels.

    she said shes never been to nyc but is going there in the winter because her son has three weeks off for christmas break. he goes to a british school. she told me she doesnt know how to drive. i told her i should start a school called “saudi lady driving school”. she said she would sign up immediately! she said she takes uber all over the world. she said life was so much harder before it was around because not all cabs were cool with driving way out to nowhere to pick her up.

    she said her husband loves jewelry and watches and good cars. and has them shipped to them if theyre going to spend a lot of time somewhere.

    after i dropped off the other mom, the nice one said she wished i was always her driver. i was all, meeeee toooo.

    i wished her a good trip to nyc. and she said Inshallah. i asked what does that beautiful word mean?

    she said, oh, it means if God wills.

    i said As-salamu alaykum

    and her mouth dropped.

    thanks ice cube.

  4. dear tony, why have you never gotten hitched? 

    amber and isally from salsberg ask, so um, if you were sooooo in love with all of your girlfriends, *points* why did you never marry any of them?

    there are two good reasons.

    the first is one that a certain group of people will understand. the second is a reason that only longtime readers of this magical blog will fully get.

    i loved mary, my first girlfriend from high school, with all of my heart. she got me to start writing regularly because we wrote letters to each other sometimes two times a day. often illustrated.

    if i had married mary i would have never met and learned from and experienced life with michele. i loved michele so much that we spent years together without even doing “it”. and if i had married her in her mom and dad’s malibu seaside valhalla, i would have never fully experienced what college had to offer namely the girl with the yellow cowboy boots, the girl who got me up against the cliffs in the moonlight, the one who slid open my sliding glass door in the middle of the night when i thought to myself man do i really want that girl to come over to my house right now and slide open my side door, or the girl i tried to date but we just giggled every time like little kids and even when we kissed bc it felt like two refrigerator magnets with the same polarity, and i would have never have met jeanine.

    if i had married jeanine i would have never moved to frisco when the internet was starting and i wouldnt have experienced the asian nympho, if i had married her id be dead right now and i would have never been seduced by the truest. i loved the truest with all of my heart and we had a great great great run but if we had gotten married i would have never had those wild vegas and canadian and dutch and mexican nights, not to mention the nba cheerleaders and anna and the cuban. who i also loved. so much. and on and on to amber, pictured. who, i fully believe, was put in my life so we could save jeanines life.

    which isnt to say that when people get married, the fun stops, but in my 100+ years ive had some fun that pretty much only a man who is not attached could have. was it deeper fun than the joy of having a wife kids and a mcmansion? probably not. in baseball terms it was a screaming triple and not a game winning home run.

    but you know us black ppl. we know how to steal home.

    which brings us to the real reason. the sad reason. the reason that no one except a few will truly understand.

    when you are in the xbi. the worst thing you could ever do is get married.

    not only because you will probably die a miserable death which would leave your wife a widow and your kids orphans. but often your family is in terrible danger and at risk of kidnap, rape, and murder. incredibly evil people can even threaten such things and it can throw off even the toughest agents. it’s not fair to the ones you love, so usually what happens is the xbi, in their little ways, takes your girlfriends away, “finds” them super handsome incredible dudes, give those dudes tons of cash, and uses xbi ways to make them fall for the gentlemen and forget about the busblog.

    just like how they forgot about dre.

    and then everyone lives happily ever after.

    so as an agent you have to live for the day, keep yr eye on the prime directive,

    and know that your personal sacrifice of that one little slice of life,

    is far more important than

    earthly delights.

  5. Thursday, July 28, 2016

    i will always love mike tyson 

    tyson

    if i wasnt such a slacker, id write the Macbeth story about Tyson that I keep thinking about

    warrior who was the greatest warrior until he got confused by women and a King

    but that story just makes me so so sad.

    pictures like this, tho cheer me up.

  6. why did we let anyone try to convince us that Obama wasn’t great 

    obama

    last night the first black president stepped up to the plate
    and did what he normally does
    he looked around, pointed to deep centerfield
    and hit the ball exactly where he pointed
    and ran around the bases casually
    smiling
    as the whole world cheered.

    yet for nearly eight years we sat there
    and listened to nincompoops and idiots
    bitch and whine that
    Nobama didn’t do this or did that wrong or foolishly.

    people have the shortest memories.

    things were so bad in 2007 that when Obama won his first presidential election
    some speculated that the Republicans didn’t even really try to win
    because they knew that no one could lift us out of the
    shitty stinky fucked up hole
    that eight years of Bush / Cheney sank us into.

    and even though for most of his 8 years he had a do nothing Congress
    who said straight up that they were going to do everything they could
    to make sure he would only be a one-term president
    he ended up being one of the greatest leaders
    an America ever had.
    twenty million people now have health insurance
    millions of gays and lesbians can get married now
    and be in the armed forces without having to pretend
    our national debt has been reduced
    millions of people who were unemployed now have jobs
    the stock and real estate markets are booming.

    and best of all, the Cubs are on their way to becoming a Dynasty.

    if some grumpy old white Republican dude with gray hair and a big belly
    had done this
    they’d be talking about adding him to Mount Rushmore

    never let them convince you
    even for a minute
    that Obama isn’t spectacular.
    they are jealous,
    and they should be
    on so many levels.

  7. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    dear tony, where’s your jungle fever? 

    2893776813_7ee698ff28 Detective Diana asks, Why don’t you date black women? I’ve seen millions of pictures of you with women, women in your room, on your bed, in your arms, at your table, by your side, and none of them is black! (Your family doesn’t count!) Have you ever gone out with a black woman or do you have a “thing” for skinny white bitches with long (bottle job) blonde hair? And damn it, whyyyyy?

    i know it might look like i blog Evvvvvvery part of my life, but even at my most prolific i was only writing four times a day. take  the most boring man and in his day theres way more than four things to talk about.

    heres the deal with me and nubian princesses.

    when you are the only black kid in town, when you are going through puberty and all you see are white faces, thats what you are going to be attracted to.

    meanwhile when the only time you see faces that look like yours at family picnics and christmas and reunions and stuff, youre probably not going to be attracted to them because they look like your cousin or grandma or sister or auntie.

    but thanks to the world wide web of love and particularly blogging, the world famous reached across the sea

    and one day i caught the eye of a young lady in Holland who wrote a blog called Just A Girl.

    she was funny and smart and one thing i loved (and still love) about blogging is learning about other peoples cultures and food and weirdnesses that happen ANYWHERE ELSE but in the USA.

    which is probably why its no surprise that i have been such a huge fan of Canadian blogs.

    anyways JaG and i would link to each other and email and leave comments and one day

    the Dutch Government

    reached out to me and offered me a vacation in Amsterdam, all expenses paid, including hotel, bicycle, museum pass, and everything.

    i said whats the catch?

    they said no catch just put this little button on your blog and promise us that you will write ONE thing about your trip to the land of the nether

    i said done and done and i wrote JaG and i said America is about to invade

    and she sent me back this very picture

    JAG2

    and i flew to europe and she said something about a possible new boyfriend

    and i said something along the lines of hos in different area codes and she said i dont know that phrase

    i said, if you meet me IRL and you love me

    you must follow your heart.

    at the time i was working for Buzznet, which was Flickr before Flickr was Flickr

    it was also a great community of people from all around the world.

    i said baby im gonna have a Buzznet party and i want you and Bicycle Mark to come and everyone else who

    loves to party and she said done done done

    and i said no pressure but if we fall for each other you will be the first black girl i ever kissed

    so its a good thing you have this fake bf because you really should practice your kissing before i get there

    she laughed and said dont get your hopes up

    932564070_629c7a5829

    so we met and it was beautiful and we hit it off immediately and a party was thrown

    but it was i who was super nervous and i drank too much and i smoked too much and i ate too much and

    soon it was alllll being hurled into the spectacular amsterdam canal

    and i was all now ive blown it, who wants to kiss a guy with vomit breath

    and she escorted me to my five star hotel and she waited for me to brush my teeth and mouthwash my mouth

    and when i got out of the bedroom

    there she was

    and let me tell you this, detective,

    that girl had definitely practiced.

    two years later we reunited in canada

    and thats a story for a way different question.

  8. theres cat hair on my cubs hat 

    Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

    when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

    the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

    the entire run of the mansion

    other than my messy little room

    and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

    and meowed and rattled walls

    and demanded to see the man of the house.

    due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

    so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

    but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

    thus making the door bang that much louder

    so i threw another shoe

    and another.

    and finally a book

    and two more books.

    of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

    so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

    i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

    i drew a bath.

    i caught them.

    i threw one and then the other in the bath.

    their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

    they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

    i marched back to bed

    pulled the blanket over my head.

    and on the blanket – more cat hair.

  9. Tuesday, July 26, 2016

    tony, why bother having sex? 

    Juliette and the licksBecky with the good hair asks:

    What is the purpose of sex? Be brutally honest and please leave LOVE and procreation out of your answer! I’m talking about the physical act of sex; I’m just going to assume you love every single woman you’ve ever boinked *eye roll* Why bother having sex? Is it a) to get yourself off; b) to get your partner off or c) to get yourself off, thereby getting your partner off? Please don’t tell me what you think sexy babes want to hear or risk ruining any shot you might have boinking them!

    every once in a while you’ll meet someone who magically clicks with you

    you dont have to think about what to do, you dont have to worry about what youre saying, everything is perfect

    its like all of a sudden you know how to swim

    or youre fluent in italian

    everything she does is bella and for some bizarre reason everything youre doing she loves.

    there have been three women in my life where every single time

    it was the most wonderful

    thing.

    it didnt matter what our emotions were going into it or where we were or what time of day or night it was

    it didnt matter what we were wearing or how much we had to drink

    it was the most beautiful movie or book or dance marathon, but deeper.

    to me it was the clearest proof of the existence of a soul.

    its not something you know is going to happen

    or who can deliver it

    it’s a blessing.

    pure luck.

    a unicorn.

    it doesnt exist except for every time

    and each time feels like a dream.

    thats why.

  10. tony, how are we supposed to feel about the new Cubs closer Aroldis Chapman? 

    chapman getting grilled

    tony, besides being ridiculously handsome, and strong, and funny, and talented and wise beyond your years, you know a lot about baseball, particularly about the Cubs, who just traded away their #1 minor league prospect and two other minor leaguers for Aroldis Chapman.

    Chapman is a unicorn in baseball, a tall, strong, lefthanded hurler whose fastball has been clocked as one of the fastest in baseball history

    of the last 61 fastest pitches recorded over the last two years, how many do you think Chapman threw?

    all 61, tony. ALL 61.

    but because nothing comes easy for the Cubs, their signing came with a catch. two of them actually. the first is easy, his contract ends at the end of this year, meaning he could fly away to another team at the end of this season and the Cubs would have merely “rented” him for this home stretch. 

    but the second isn’t so easy. he comes with baggage. Aroldis Chapman was accused by his girlfriend of choking her. he denies it and she never went forward to charge him. but he also admitted to and was later suspended by Major League Baseball for firing his pistol at trashcans inside his garage, alone, after a dispute with his girlfriend (who was inside the house at the time). the police came out but nothing ever was made of it.

    until now that he is in Chicago. some within the Friendly Confines say this “taints” the feel good squad that includes the bromance of Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant (and his dreamy eyes).

    what say you? how do you feel that someone accused of being a girlfriend beater is on your favorite team?

    Curious But Skeptical

    well thats an odd way of framing it, but I’ll bite.

    the last time i checked we still live in the United States of America where not only are you innocent until proven guilty but once you are formally accused you have the right to Due Process, meaning you go to court, and all the evidence comes out and a jury decides whats what.

    the interesting thing about court cases is they sometimes bring about omg facts that were missing in the original account of the alleged crime.

    if you think i am being soft on Chapman because he is a Cub and is probably the missing ingredient for my beloved Cubs finally winning the World Series, you would be way off.

    i was raised in a house of three people: my mom and my sister. if i found out that any man, including a left handed closer with a 105 MPH heater laid hands on either of them I would probably murder the man. on Periscope.

    likewise I think condemning someone without Due Process is also evil. we have a process. it hurts me that more battered women do not always participate in that process, and i do understand why they dont, but we do not have a justice system of “Fuck It He PROBABLY DID IT”. other civilizations have that one and it’s a way bigger nightmare than ours.

    because this is a sensitive situation and we do have SOME evidence, let’s review it and see what we can see.

    Less than a year ago cops came to Chapman’s home in Florida. Lots of people were at his house including his girlfriend and her brother.

    she said

    When police got there the girlfriend said that she FOUND SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE that they started arguing about

    he retrieved the phone and walked to another part of the house. she followed him, still arguing — all of this is her testimony.

    finally he pushes her against the wall and her brother separates them.

    she runs off, hears one gunshot.

    ok from that account is that domestic abuse? domestic violence? or something a little less horrible?

    luckily we have his take too

    he said

    he agrees that they were arguing about his cell phone and its contents.

    he says he poked her pinched her and she dramatically fell to the ground and started yelling, which prompted the brother to come in and push Him to the ground.

    Chapman got up and wanted to drive away but his friends wouldnt let him leave.

    so in the passenger seat, he grabs a gun, locked himself in the garage and starts shooting inside in the garage.

    his friends lock him in his room and the cops came.

    things he’s guilty of:

    you should never put your hands on a woman

    you should never have things on your phone that your girlfriend is gonna get pissed at

    you should never own a gun in florida because those are known to go off – especially during heated arguments

    why are you shooting at things in your garage? bullets ricochet!

    things he is not guilty of:

    when we think of domestic abuse, none of what was written in the police report rises to the level of domestic violence.

    unlike me, Cubs President Theo Epstein is a genius and cares just as much about Team Chemistry as speed of a fastball.

    i seriously don’t think that with all of the talent that the Cubs have to trade for a strong arm that Theo would have traded for Chapman if he thought a) Chapman could actually become a domestic abuser b) thought Champan ever did anything illegal or immoral to his girlfriend or c) is emotionally unstable

    Indeed here is what the young man said yesterday about his girlfriend, who STILL is his girlfriend and who still lives with him

    cubs

    so enjoy this team and enjoy the Cubs march to many years of triumph.