1. Friday, July 1, 2016

    happy canada day, america 

    canada cookies

    for most americans, Canada is that place UP THERE that we never visit, barely think aboot and foolishly ignore

    but thanks to blogging, i have made friends, kissed girls, drank beers, eaten poutine, and even had the pleasure of devouring Beaver Tails all while saying

    why didnt anyone tell me about all of this before.

    the idea that canada is nothing more than igloos and hockey rinks and beautiful women and eskimos is only half true

    there are also Tim Hortons on every block, government run liquor stores, coins used as actual money, and french used as an actual language

    the people say sorry a lot, they are super sweet, and the queen walks down the street during hockey season and gives high fives to the townfolk whenever a goal is scored.

    i have had the great good pleasure of visiting americas hat several times and i am overdue for another excellent adventure and i must tell you, america:

    poutinecanada is also america minus the dingleberries

    in vancouver i saw a marijuana store run by hells angels

    in toronto i ice skated outside in the snow and everyone, even the children were drunk off love (and molsons)

    in ottowa i ate the most delicious indian food and saw the most beautiful gargoyles

    in kingston i ate poutine at a kfc and i let out a moan so loud that they gave me a free cookie but told me i had to leave, soorry.

    in barrie i soaked in a hot tub with lesbians as thick snowflakes lazily fell upon our heads

    in quebec city i felt like i was in a runaway neighborhood of paris that was miraculously transported across the globe

    and in montreal i proposed to a girl who said, first lets eat some smoked meats and we danced next to a brick wall while grafitti artists expertly painted our blurry forms

    i have been harassed at the border, i have seen fireworks on a river, i have seen baseball played in a dome

    i even slept for a night in a honeymoon suite overlooking niagra falls and i wondered,

    why does america have buffalo when we could have had all of this?

    don cherry, geddy lee, matthew good, neil young, mike meyers, pamela anderson, wayne gretzky

    and now justin trudeau’s wife

    should all be honorary americans

    and by that i mean they should be given a gun and be exempt from paying taxes.

    happy canada day, my favorite country in america that doesnt speak even a little bit spanish

    unless theyre on vacation in cuba.