if i went to a shrink this is how it’d go

tony whats your biggest problem

its probably my blog

whats wrong with the busblog?

the problem is when i get ready to write something i always have the best intentions. i want to write something arty and weird and deep and beautiful and so sexy that women from all around the world email me and say omg tony heres me in various outfits and poses, please, lets hang out in LA at your earliest convenience. but what happens is what i write ends up being predictable and bland and not sexy and not arty and certainly not weird. its never about cool topics it’s never written with any semblance of mystery. it’s just out there. boom.

and how does this make you feel?

its like if youre about to make love to someone special, you dont just unzip your fly and clap your hands twice to turn off the lights… you get the candles going, youve got a mixtape rolling, there may even be incense. the sheets are clean, the cats have been drugged and are snoring in a closet, youve showered. trimmed your nails.

im very confused. what does this have to do with your blog journal?

when i write it theres two steps: abject procrastination followed by an unrehearsed vomit session of ideas. theres no follow up, no editing, no fact checking, no spell checking. most of the time i wont even read it afterwards out of pure disgust. my mom will say something like, great writing today! and i will have to go and see what the heck shes talking about. its the opposite of professional or passionate or arty. it’s foul. the process is wrong. the results are all luck. sometimes good sometimes bad. but never what is intended. ever.

and how does that make you feel?

i reminds me of something Ric Ocasek said a long time ago.

is he a baseball player?

no he is that tall lanky pale singer songwriter of The Cars

oh he married a model.

yes. and produced Bad Brains and Weezer’s first record and anyways he said he loves all this dark, trippy weird shit but when he gets on the guitar or at the piano all that comes out is this super poppy 80s music and the only way he can give it any edge is to just slow it down like by a million.

have you tried that?

i just told you, theres nothing to try, i kneel down at the bowl and hurl.

oh. right. got it. that’ll be a hundred bucks please.