babies are selfish, their handwriting is horrible.
they vomit, they babble, they arent very good drivers
i dont like the way they look at you when they smile because you know at any minute they could start frowning and then give you the stink eye
they love the most basic books, their artwork is subpar.
and ive seen what they do to families.
once i was playing poker with a baby and it started losing so it started cheating and i was all what the fuck do you think you’re doing over there
and it said why dont you mind your own damn business
and i said this game IS my business
so it said maybe youd like to take this outside.
i said ID VERY MUCH LIKE TO TAKE THIS OUT SIDE.
so we went outside and i took off my glasses and my jacket
and that baby pulled out A DAMN KNIFE!
fortunately i had my own knife.
so we were circling each other and this baby was hissing at me
i was all, im gonna get you, im gonna slice you up!
a little crowd began to form. some people were taking bets. weirdly i was not the favorite.
i was all, who has a stinky diaper? YOU have a stinky diaper!
and the baby just kept hissing at me like a freak!
then it launched at me. it just flew right in my face. then it was on me. quicker than i expected.
it was all over me. stabbing. punching. drooling. omg how does one little creature have so much drool?
and i couldnt get a good angle.
all i saw was spittle and half chewed Cheerios and the smell!
that baby smell (actually smelled pretty ok)
and when the cops came guess who got thrown in the back of the car like an animal.
not the baby, i’ll tell you that.