nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, August 23, 2016

    keira-anne from canada-eh asks what the heck 

    chris with mickey mouse

    keira-anne writes: What the heck? You were holding out on me. I had no idea there was a Dodgers Mickey at Dodger Stadium!

    there isnt. and there never was. it was all trick photography.

    but there once was…

    in the year 2010 major league baseball’s all star game was played in anaheim stadium, which is a few miles away from a certain Land.

    circling the stadium were Mickey Mouses painted in the colors and logos of all of the teams.

    vandals destroyed all but two of them: everyone’s favorites, the Cubs and

    the extremely suspicious Dodgers.

    the Cubs donated theirs to a Chicago-area children’s hospital

    and the Dodgers tucked theirs away in the basement of the Alamo.

    weirdly, the basement of the Alamo has a Higgs-Bottom escalator that runs directly into the basement of Dodger Stadium

    Mickey LA gang signand the other night after the Guns n Roses show, my buddy Chris and I were roaming around the basement of Dodger Stadium and remembered about this superfast escalator to Texas and seeked it out.

    sure enough, right behind a door that said Next Week’s Dodger Dogs was a hole with a ladder that brought us to the Higgs Bottom transporter and in less than 10 seconds we were in the basement of the Alamo.

    Chris brought a beer with him to see the effects of beer after particle transfer travel: it turns flat, but gets colder

    after rummaging around the Alamo we took a picture of the birthday boy, took a picture of where Ozzy peed on the Alamo (not pictured), took a picture of where Pee Wee took a tour of the Alamo, and then we zipped back to Cali.

    heres what i can tell you. youd think the Alamo would be cooler. also, youd think a Dodgers Mickey Mouse would be displayed like all the time.

    are the Dodgers and the Mouse mad at each other for some reason?

    do kids just lose their damn minds when theres a Mickey Mouse statue right in front of their eyes?

    is the Dodger Mickey Mouse super bad luck and thats why they shipped it to Texas in the middle of the night?

    none of these questions will ever be answered, sadly. but the next time youre in San Antonio, you’ll know how to get to LA in seconds.

    de nada

  2. when Pablo Picasso was 15 he painted a self portrait 

    pablo picasso

    and they were all, damn Pablo Picasso that’s some badass shit
    and he said si because he is Spanish.

    when Pablo was 25 he painted another self portrait that was much different than what everyone else was doing at the time.

    and they were all dammmmmn Pablo, are you ok? where is your control, your contours, your shading your technique?

    and he said, i am in full control, my countours are exactly where they should be, my shading is better than ever

    and my technique will be copied more than anything else ive ever done before.

    and they sent a doctor over

    and pablo picasso said i will shove a paint brush in a place you wont enjoy unless you leave here immediately

    but he said it in French because is sounded so much prettier in that tongue.

    when Pablo was 95 he painted a new self portrait.

    and they said, heres all the money in the world, that is the craziest

    coolest, weirdest, wildest, most amazing portrait

    of Vincent Van Gogh we have ever seen.

    and he died

    with a smile on his face.

    be weird.

    stay weird.

    die weird.

  3. she said how come you don’t write about your friends very much 

    my living roomi said i dont?

    have i told you i have the greatest friends?

    theyre smart and funny and beautiful and some even made beautiful little ones.

    they motivate me and inspire me and fill me with joy whenever i am around them.

    soon i will be going to my favorite place in the world with some friends i have known since high school and even before that.

    but lots of times i hang with friends ive known since my first days at college.

    and often i wish i was hanging out with them more because they might be the best people on earth.

    i do believe in God and i do believe in Heaven and if i get to make it to Heaven and get to talk with God

    i will not at all be surprised if he tells me, tony, you had the dream team of friends.

    the people you got to learn from and rock out with and drink and smoke and eat and travel with

    those were the best we had.

    you are part of them.


    crazy ass you.

    and thats why you all stick together and float from sea to shining sea together like migratory birds.

    the home you live in was first found by one friend who then handed it over to another and then to you.

    the girls you kissed often were kissed by other friends first.

    as it should be.

    the clothes you wear the music you listen to the books you read have all been vetted by your friends and analyzed and when you all move back to isla vista, you will play those songs and talk about those books

    and together you will share in the one thing that ties you all together:

    freaky love.

  4. Monday, August 22, 2016

    was driving home through the fairfax 

    shooting star

    minding my own business. only had it so i would pick up Uber Select. really i was driving from one Pokemon gym to the other. it was night.

    got a ping and this guy comes out and says, hi youre gonna take my friend Mo. he needs to go to the Westin LAX.

    awesome. a saturday night run to the airport? why not.

    one of the more fascinating rides ive ever had. dude is Jewish from Chile but has been studying the New Testament his whole life. Bro is 70+ years old.


    because his parents were so worried that the Nazis would find out that he was Jewish that he would kill him.

    me: were there lots of Nazis in Chile after WWII?

    him: no. but my parents were very cautious.

    turns out he teaches the bible. lectures. mostly at churches. hes a scholar.

    then he asks me if i know where any street hookers are. i say, thats the most interesting question ive ever been asked. i say, yes. he says, im not interested in their business, i just want to tell them about the bible. i say i think they know about the bible. he says, yeah i know, but thats also what i do, i try to tell them about the bible.

    so i say, weirdly theres not a lot of street hookers at midnight. the last time i saw a bunch of them was at 6:30am in DTLA right by this strip club. apparently the men are all horned up and the club is emptying and there are all these hookers ready to finish them off.

    Mo says, you have quite a way with words.

    i say, gratzi.

    as we’re driving he tells me how much he likes black women.

    so i say, lets go through Inglewood. you never know we might get lucky.

    and sure enough, right by a knock off Motel 6, there we see a tall latino street hooker and i say, the thing is, you never know if thats a man or a woman until all becomes revealed.

    when we get to the Westin he tips me $20.

    thanks God!

  5. Saturday, August 20, 2016

    for Chris’s birthday we saw Guns n Roses 

    chris and mickey

    any time a band books two or more nights at a venue the odds are very good that the 2nd or 3rd night will have lots of empty seats. got lucky and they were practically giving really good seats away at the dodger stadium show for the former glam rockers.

    chris drove over. we had some postmates guy deliver us Bossa Nova and we took an over to the stadium. crazy ride. driver told us he was a car salesman and uber has hurt his business so badly that hes thinking about driving full time. i told him if he does it he has to contact me because i want to set him up with a reporter, probably Steve Lopez, to write the story.

    got to the show just in time. it was good. Slash is obvs still pissed at Axl but will take the tens of millions of dollars they will each make on this tour.

    it was good because this is the way it should be. you shouldn’t come home and find your Uncle is your Step Dad or you have to share a room with a teenage runaway. Slash should be playing with Axl and Duff should be there. not only does it fit, but it sounds right.

    and then that makes way for Steven Adler to sit in for a couple of songs. all smiley and shit.

    echo park

    it’s weird to think that Guns doesn’t have three hours of original material to play. so they served up plenty of covers: Live and Let Die & Knockin on Heavens Door are normal, but they also did Raw Power, Wish You Were Here and the guitar solo from Beautiful Tonight. random dad rock.

    Afterwards we walked down to Sunset and Echo Park was alive and beautiful. we are so lucky to live in this city. we were amped. a bit buzzed from the beers and the energy of the show. lots of Slash.


    Chris really needed to pee but every bar had a line coming out of it. when we stopped by Little Joy i asked the doorman if Hayley was around. he said no and 2 seconds later there she was with her man.

    we rejoiced and hugged and exchanged greetings.

    then walked all the way to mohawk bend and got an uber home.

    fun night.

    Guns could have used more explosions.

  6. Friday, August 19, 2016

    it’s very important to have the right music going when you pick up ppl 

    lou reed

    got a ping in westwood, which was fine. normally im taking consultants from the hotels near UCLA to LAX on thursdays.

    yesterday, no such luck. a bunch of short and medium trips around beverly hills and westwood, which is actually better because im trying to lose a few pounds so zulieka will love my nude snapchat pics and any time i drop someone off at LAX late on a thursday i always make a run to in n out for my long drive home because there really isnt much business around there.

    so i got the call. the name sounded arabic. usually i’ll put on old school jazz like wes montgomery or miles or art or thelonious. but this place was south of wilshire so i threw on some solo lou reed. a nice little mix i made. you know.

    couple appear. they apologize for being late to the car. say they had problems putting their kids to sleep.

    i was all, say no more. (as if i knew what that was like) (i would let them cry. LIFE ISNT ALL THREE WAYS AND ICE CREAM ORGIES, KIDS, CRY ME A RIVER) and they giggled. then i made the worst mistake of all, i asked them how old their little darlings are.

    they said, “fine.” and then started bickering with each other about how they need to be tougher on their kids. then they argued about moving one of the kids from one class to another because he had no friends (this is day three of the school year) and none of the kids are persian and the teacher might be great but the class is too big.

    sometimes theyd argue in english but as i turned Sweet Jane up they started fighting in persian.

    it was very uncomfortable.

    finally they asked me if i had any kids.

    i said, the people i drive are my pride and joy and i hope they feel safe and loved on our trips.

    calmed them right the hell down.

  7. do i know whats going on with anything? 


    do i even pretend i know whats happening?


    is that why i believe in God?


    is that why i believe in luck?


    is that why i believe you should just practice, be cool, work hard, read, pray, be a gentleman, and when the shit gets crazy

    know that craziness only lasts a short time

    which is also just a theory

    because deep down i dont know shit.

    unless its whispered to me on a summer night

    beneath a shooting star

    or was it a plane

  8. Thursday, August 18, 2016

    another news site who never cared about its commenters kills comments 

    NPR commentsmy kingdom for a news outlet who would just own up to the fact that they fucking hate their commenters and thats why they are going to do the absolute worst thing to their website and kill the comments section.

    once upon a time if you wanted to express yourself to your news outlet you had to write a letter, put it in an envelope and mail it in. only the very few would see their complaint or compliment published in the newspaper or read aloud on tv.

    but then the Great Equalizer, the Internet, reared its ugly head and OMG teh Trollz pounced on ridiculous news stories and blog posts and ruined EVERYTHING.

    did the newspapers, magazines, and radio stations pay money to Community Managers who knew how to “engage” the readers and steer conversations and referee and ban people and lift people up?

    not really.

    did the newspaper implement the worst commenting systems they could possibly create or buy – systems clearly written by teenage Russians for pennies on the dollar?

    oh you’ve seen Tronc’s commenting system circa 2016?

    did NPR, who probably has the smartest, brightest, most college educated audience in all of history hire anyone to show them exactly HOW they could take that priceless audience and figure out what Digg, Reddit, Metafilter, Gothamist, Reason, every serious sports blog and gads Gawker learned long ago: that sometimes the comments are the best part.


    all of these comment quitters took their cues from their high school crush, the New York Times, who never wanted online comments to exist in the first place and were quick to remove comments from delicate articles which would attract the most heated discussions. so today they figure if the Gray Lady could do it, then they could – and should – as well. but thats even more bullshit because, again, who is more educated than the regular reader of the Paper of Record?

    the catch is: who has a thinner skin than the editors and writers of the NYT who FOR SURE do not want hoards of unwashed desk jockeys telling them that they suck in between bababooeys right beneath their six month feature about the unrest in the Middle East.

    too bad, journalists. too fucking bad.

    do you think Magic Johnson looked forward to being booed in Boston and NY and Detroit and Chicago after running up and down basketball courts in those tight shorts? After years of working out and watching tape and figuring out defensive schemes? After hours of practice and conditioning, fighting through injuries and mother fucking HIV?

    the answer is YES!

    Magic Johnson absorbed the boos of tens of thousands at the Garden because Magic Johnson is a G.D professional and he knows that those people are the ones who paid for his many mansions and the best way to shut them up is to fucking rule.

    Or in the case of the ultra sensitive journalists: don’t read the damn comments.

    Or in the case of the fuckit we didnt want it anyway editors of web sites: learn how to turn those lemons into champagne.

    Reddit’s entire world is comments, why can’t you figure it the fuck out?

    Answer: because you are lazy and Web 0.2 and hate your commenters and all you really want to do is talk AT your audience, not with them, and you should really just admit it and quit being lying liars.

  9. dear tony, what the hell is this Cub fan doing? 

    cub fan

    the reason the Lord loves us is unknown, but one thing that’s evident is this world is filled with mysteries.

    without surprises and oddities we would be so bored with life that we would not find any pleasure in growing old.

    goldfish often drown themselves out of boredom.

    little known fact.

    my role as a blogger is to entertain, inform and delight.

    which, curiously, is the same job as a Cub fan’s right hand.

    even when surrounded by a couple of dozen of young Asian ladies trying to figure out how they can get on the world famous busblog.

    mystery is one of the things i like the most in life because i get so easily bored.

    so i will not research this too hard.

    i will just let it slide.

    though i will acknowledge it and interesting.

    and then, just leave it there.

  10. Wednesday, August 17, 2016