1. Monday, August 15, 2016

    the phone rang, it was zulieka 

    zuliekabut it wasnt the phone, it was the text messenger.

    tony, i am in LA, lets make love.

    but thats not at all what it said. but thats what i read.

    thats what i read every time she writes anything.

    for twelve years i have been following every word americas favorite half japanese half naughty nurse has written in americas favorite mommy blog.

    and surprise surprise she was in LA and was wanting to hang out. with who? with me?

    so i switched over to speaker phone and dialed her up. i was in malibu. deep in malibu. but no matter where she said she was, i was ready to go there.

    hi tony! im in a car. its a convertible. so i cant hear very well. can i call you back tonight?

    of course!

    she called me back. that night. she was in santa monica at the home of a famous writer director. we made plans to meet the next afternoon for a late lunch. when i arrived she was playing the french horn so i took a picture. i learned in our high school marching band that if a girl enjoyed sticking her hand up a french horn she probably liked lots of things. so i said zulieka, how are you prettier than the last time i saw you many years ago. two children ago?

    it was no line. she was prettier and somehow shorter and lovelier. her dress was a size small but still not tight enough for LA standards, nor short enough. but the truth was written all over her face. she loved me. and missed me and was happy to see me. and likewise. im sure.

    the writer director was a wonderful man. zulieka has good tastes as you can imagine. we talked about LA punk rock, lone justice, X, elvis, tom waits. then i took your girl to sushi and she was all, im half japanese youre gonna have to do a whole lot better than this.

    so i said, americas sweetheart heather “the rabbit” havrilesky is having a party far far up in her mountain retreat. lets all go in the writer director producers porsche. and we did. and they were both loved by our friends. it was a joyous night. new friends were made and new schemes were plotted.

    i tried to convince your girl that if she really loved LA she should move from mass, a place she doesnt love. FOR THE KIDS. i told her that children need to learn at an early age that if they dont like somewhere or someone that time is short. life is precious. and fleeting! vamoose! turn the page bob seger! she said but money?! i said it grows on trees. look at it growing over there.

    she said tony. i said fine, i’ll marry you and pay for everything. she said but i want another child. i said i’ll go on youtube and learn how they are made. she said but the children love their father. i said who doesnt love their father? who doesnt want somewhere fun to spend their summer vacations while their new father gets some alone time with his wife?

    she said you have everything figured out. i said i do. she said yes you do. i said i do.

    then she said did you ever put that left over lobster in your fridge?

    i said, see how desperately i need a thoughtful wife?