will i write about the Obey Sample Sale? yes.

will i write about my friends’ amazing Christmas Tree Trimming party?


will i write about the hot selfies i get on my phone?


will i write about how we are all doomed and the only way to fight it is to give in, to buy Russian jackets and war hats

and start reading Tolstoy and the others.


but what i really want to know is when did girls start getting all the cool clothes?

we all started in the garden of eden with giant fig leaves to cover our naughty bits, how come the ladies ended up with all the cool fashions and we ended up with the same old?

maybe we’d like pants that hug our curves and have faces of dead aliens on them

maybe we want high heeled boots

do you know how many women on Bumble are all omg im a CEO and im 5-11 whoops!

maybe that wouldnt matter if dudes wore super awesome shoes with giant heels like KISS

im listening to a country singer belt out a cover of “In Bloom” and im pretty sure this is the music that will be playing after i die

and my soul floats up to Heaven where it will be judged and St. Peter will be all


it’s only bad news if they call you by your slave name.

which reminds me im thinking about changing my cell phone number because i get telemarketers at least once a day.

robocalls really. not even people. who start off with Anthony, would you like to refinance your credit cards?

never do they say Anthony would you like a clean bong? would you like a 6 foot blonde to wash yr dishes?

would you like to find out if you would save shit tons of money by cutting the cord

or growing your own sativa

or cooking your own rice

or only drinking water

or never having fun

or joining the army

or starting a church

or failing

or falling

or drowning

and stopping?

since we’re gonna die i was laying in my bed wondering if ive done it all

did i visit all the lands i should see?

did i kiss all the girls i ever wanted?

did i eat all the tacos i shoulda?

have i read all the worthy online comments?

have i pet my cats enough?

have i done enough crossfit?

it’s a little weird that the Cubs won the world series right before it all ends.

it’s a little strange that i have

wait, i haven’t.

oh shit.




it’s sorta too bad we’re all gonna die.

but when we die we go to heaven.

and there are no electoral colleges up there.

which is nice.