nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, December 11, 2016

    runway model said she was gonna come over, bake me cookies 

    and ravish my body with all the things

    i said perfecto, see ya at 10.

    at 5 i had to go to a friends party way north east in eagle rock

    but at 730 i had to go way west to see a screening

    of La La Land

    in beverly hills immediately followed by a discussion headed by the stars of the musical, Emma Stone and whatshisname

    by 645 i was surrounded by so many of my friends i decided

    screw that movie, i love these people right here.

    the food was great, beers chillin on ice,

    one thing might lead to another and we may all jump in the pool with our clothes on

    the foam machine might kick on

    someone might roll out the fog machine

    heather might bust with some freestyle ask polly right there under the moonlight

    and i stayed and it was the best choice.

    was pretty sure the runway model wasnt gonna be there when i got home, even though i’d left the key under the welcome mat

    but she left behind some evidence of her being there, namely photographs

    and some articles of clothing,


    its good she left because some times only bad things happen when a man has downed as many coke classics as i had

    and little ham and cheese biscuits

    and homemade cookies

    and cheese.

  2. Friday, December 9, 2016

    never forget your strength 

    when i was younger i would talk hella shit about the xbi because i didnt want to be in there any more and i was hoping it would scare them off me.

    it didnt work at first

    but now im older and i cant run as fast and theyve got younger kids who are True Believers who will do stupider shit and think waaaay dumber things and go with the flow like Flo Jo

    and i have to admit there are parts of the agency that i miss.

    mostly the danger.

    i think when you get older you see that the danger can give you fun thrills

    but so can leaning in on a pretty girl for the first time

    tryin to kisser

    or negotiating something where you really dont have any more room to budge

    or walking down a street you shouldnt be on

    or trying a new weapon that could literally explode in your hand

    or a new copter that no ones ever tried to do the loop di do with.

    whoops, off track again.

    or saying hi to a stranger.

    or reading a new book.

    or adopting cats and you dont even like cats and what if the girls on Tinder think you’re queer if you have cats or a loser or a lonely soul or a commie.

    i am a commie but thats neither here nor there, tinder girls.

    im someone who will get in a bus and do whatever needs to be done.

    but im also none of the above.

    i dont feel the comfort of feeling sad.

    i dont see the beauty of being bad.

    but i do like things better when they are on fire, at the end of the night, when all you can hear is the crackling and the ashes disobey gravity

    and float up

    and up

    and disappear with the light.

  3. Thursday, December 8, 2016

    2016 gave, 2016 took away big time 

    David Bowie
    Glenn Frey
    Natalie Cole
    George Martin
    Garry Shandling
    Leonard Cohen
    Arnold Palmer
    Leon Russell
    Kevin Meaney
    Merle Haggard
    Otis Clay
    Scotty Moore
    Alan Rickman
    Muhammed Ali
    Jimmy Bain
    Paul Kantner
    Abe Vigoda
    Greg Lake
    Maurice White
    Dan Hicks
    Harper Lee
    George Kennedy
    Tony “Duke” Burton
    Keith Emerson
    Frank Sinatra Jr
    Joe Garagiola
    Patty Duke
    Lonnie Mack
    William Schallert
    Guy Clark
    Morley Safer
    Gordie Howe
    Garry Marshall
    John McLaughlin
    Gene Wilder
    Bobby Vee
    Pete Burns
    Peng Chang-kuei
    Florence Henderson
    John Glenn

  4. pretty girl says she wants to come over and clean my house 

    and i look at myself in the mirror and i think, now i could understand if i got this offer at 20, 30 or even 40

    but how is this happening now that im knock knock knocking on heavens door?

    maybe shes trying to get in my will.

    right now my will is being rewritten because previously i had left all of my worldly possessions to the Cubs so they could sell them and buy a left handed starter

    but now that we’re world series champs, all i want for Christmas is my sink of dirty dishes cleaned.

    so i appreciate her, and what i hope are some inappropriate uniforms, coming over to take care of them.

    last night i drove around USC, and speaking of inappropriate, it was an Uber Pool, meaning you pick up someone and before you drop them off you pick up someone else.

    in the front seat was this frat boy surfer dude

    in the back were two chinese computer science majors.

    surfer bra goes what sort of weed do they have in china?

    guys in the back laugh and say they have never smoked pot.

    we’re heading to the off campus apartment complex called the Lorenzo.

    surfer goes, you live in the Lorenzo and youve never smoked pot?

    china guy says, only the Americans smoke that.

    i laugh. Americans.

    chinese guy says, isn’t that addictive?

    surfer says, havent you ever been addicted to a video game? like you cant stop thinking about it. your hands get sore playing? or what about a girl, have you ever been obsessed by some hot chick? both of those are way more addictive than weed.

    then the chinese guy goes our parents told us not to do it.

    surfer says, didnt your parents tell you not to wack off?

    everyone laughs.

    loudest of all: a muffled voice in the trunk.

  5. Wednesday, December 7, 2016

    are we gonna die? yes. will it be bad. yes. 

    the president elect today hired a guy who hates the environment to run the EPA.

    richard nixon was a terrible person but even he knew that the federal government, not the states, needed to stop greedy oil and gas exploiters from polluting the air and water so he created the EPA.

    today trump appointed an asshole lawyer from oklahoma who has been unsuccessfully suing the EPA over the last few years so the men who line his pockets with limitless cash can drill baby drill and pay very little when they spill.

    i want to believe that rich people are smart but when they choose money over all else, it seems very stupid to me.

    half of america lives on the edges of the country. next to water. these republicans swear that climate change is something that has nothing to do with them. even though hundreds of scientists, people who have spent their whole life studying the earth, say no no, it has everything to do with us.

    but all the republicans see is money. they want their gold chairs. they want homes near golf courses. they want to summer in europe in suites.

    they want what they believe is power.

    there are too many examples of what happens when assholes have the power to pollute: they will pollute.

    there are too many reasons why putting a guy who sues the EPA in charge of the EPA is the dumbest fucking thing of all

    and yet any time republicans, even faux republicans like Trump, take over, they do the opposite of Republican Nixon, they stick their dicks into the Earth and foul it up as much as they can, all while assuming it will just heal itself.

    control freaks who will tell their uber driver each and every road they should take to get to the country club, just throw their hands up to God when you tell them that their coal mine is bad for the air or their fracking is terrible for the water.

    we have never needed russian hackers more than we need them now.

    anything to expose what these people really are and how dangerous they have grown now that they have powers that they should never have been considered for.

  6. Tuesday, December 6, 2016

    we’re all gonna die so i went with the flow 

    harry carayi dont usually do x rides that early in the evening because theres a good chance the consultants have yet to leave the building

    but i have no patience any more and i just turned it on and got this movie producer from the international over to this steak house in beverly hills.

    turned out we knew some of the same people. small world.

    uber has this thing where it will hook you up with a new ride sometimes before youre finished with the ride you’re still doing, which is what happened

    dropped off the producer picked up this quiet businessman who lived in the val.

    encino i said and i said it in a happy way, like hey just going with the flow is working out. long trip and we end up somewhere i hardly ever am.

    first waze said take the 405, but you know who takes the 405 at 7pm on a monday? sucker MCs.

    i aint no sucker MC and neither is my passenger so we took Sepulveda and wound over and to the side of the 405 and it was smooth sailing.

    climbed up the hill and boom i was good. figured id be like tom petty and just take ventura blvd back to hollywood but id turn on the Select Only and see if i got lucky. called my mom to ask her what she thought about Jimmy Kimmel being the host of the show and before i knew it i was getting a Select ping.

    picked up a beautiful Puerto Rican music exec at a restaurant in Encino. she comes out with two suitcases and friends. suitcases? down here in the Val? to the airport?

    to the airport.

    and it was so nice. 405 south, sucker MCs, but we were a carpool going the right way. carpool lane was empty. maybe 400 cars all going south, all solo. so weird. we talked about Cuba and JLo and Pitbull.

    Uber is the best invention ever, she said.

    and told me about how she was in a rush at the Miami airport and just said fuckit and got a cab and it was hot and she had her french bulldog with her and she asked the cab if he could turn on the AC

    and he said, i dont turn on the air for


    i gasped.

    she said, that’s my baby!

    i said, i know.

    and i knew.

  7. Monday, December 5, 2016

    saw two big time movies this weekend 



    Denzel was fine, but whatever. He shouldn’t be directing himself. He needed more emotion instead of memorization of August Wilsons fantastic words.

    Viola was fantastic though. And great ending.


    Natalie Portman was pretty, but did Jackie O really sound like that? It seemed like she was doing a Marilyn Monroe imitation.

    It had no Act 3.

  8. Sunday, December 4, 2016

    fifteen years of the busblog, just warming up 

    face paintthe problem with this blog is it rests on its laurels.

    the problem with this blog is it has very few laurels.

    just because you do something every day doesnt mean its any good.

    some couples stay together their whole lives and the whole time it was a poor example

    i dont want this to be a poor example.

    for most of my life, i repped a baseball team that was a poor example.

    one reason i worked hard on the marching band and the nexus and my install business and lick magazine and buzznet and LAist and the LA Times was because the love of my life the chicago cubs was a poor example and it felt super gross to think that it meant that I was a poor example, a loser, a fraud, a nothing. and worse, a lie.

    nothing in here is true isnt an excuse its a license to, ironically, keep it real.

    and if i had one regret about the last 15 years it is that this very blog has not kept it real for a very long time.

    strangely, even though he lies more than ive ever seen, donald trump also keeps it real more than pretty much anyone other than howard stern and my cats.

    i have one cat who does not want me to pet her, does not care for my brand of comedy, and if the kitty litter is not up to her standards she will shit wherever she damn well pleases

    she keeps it real until the problem is solved.

    i love her for that.

    i want to love this.

    i have so much love inside, but i can’t honestly say that i love what has gone down here in the last few years. obama fro

    with that said, i feel good about the future.

    i feel free.

    for some reason God has decided to keep me healthy and i should do something with that blessing.

    i want to do something good for others.

    living in LA you see two things

    1. unbelievable wealth
    2. crazy poverty

    in a weird way the wealth is good for those of us who don’t have it because it helps us have a goal

    even if it is hugely unlikely that any of us will ever live in the hollywood hills or beachside malibu, it’s nice to know that Some of the people there never thought theyd be there neither, and oftentimes what they did to get there wasn’t outrageous illegal immoral or due to genes or luck.

    oftentimes creativity, practice, and coming from the heart is all it took.

    however once you’re there, then what? once these people have hit it big and done their thing and their kids have grown up, whats the next step?

    for all the people i admire the next stem is almost exclusively: help others.

    im no scientist but i bet that the chemicals that are released when you give to someone and see how much they love it, live in a totally unique part of the brain.

    i think this because when i have that beautiful rush that we all get when we give, it feels like nothing else.

    the last girl i kissed is a fantastic kisser with a ridiculous body, but i gave a small bag of hashbrowns to a poor person last week and that feeling was better.

    its shocking to experience because tv magazines movies no one prepares you for that.

    they all tell us its about sex drugs square footage.

    for some of us, it’s about the opposite.

    welcome to the age

    of the opposite.

  9. Saturday, December 3, 2016
  10. Friday, December 2, 2016

    do some things get me down? 

    obey sample saleof course. i am human.

    i may appear upbeat on the outside. a lot. in public. even while flying my chopper above hollywood.

    but when black people get murdered and white ppl dont even have to spend a full day in jail over it, it depresses me.

    what am i supposed to tell my kids?

    son, life sucks and then your murderer doesn’t die?

    or even charged?

    im sorta glad i dont have kids. i wouldnt know what to say. ever. i would try but im pretty sure i would say the wrong things. i always say the wrong things. i would say maybe as black folk we should all have guns.

    maybe as black folk we should have our own NRA. and we should go door to door arming black people and registering them to vote.

    when i was a kid i went door to door selling candy. did that candy do any good for anyone? nope.

    but heres what would happen if black folk went door to door showing people how easy it would be for them to go to a Black Gun Show and getting their guns:

    there would be widespread, life changing, life saving gun control laws.

    the actual NRA’s head would explode, but maybe black people would stop getting murdered and their killers would stop getting away with it.

    sounds drastic. doesnt sound like anything Jesus would do. but at this point, i really don’t know what Jesus would do.

    He would pray. He would tell people that when they die they go to Heaven. but what about all of their family who aren’t yet in Heaven? what about all the people who see that when you kill black people you hardly ever pay the price for it?

    i have a lot of ideas. i dont like this one. i dont like guns. i dont like fighting fire with fire. i dont even like fighting. but the thing i dont like the most is innocent people dying and guilty people getting away with it.