1. Thursday, December 8, 2016

    pretty girl says she wants to come over and clean my house 

    and i look at myself in the mirror and i think, now i could understand if i got this offer at 20, 30 or even 40

    but how is this happening now that im knock knock knocking on heavens door?

    maybe shes trying to get in my will.

    right now my will is being rewritten because previously i had left all of my worldly possessions to the Cubs so they could sell them and buy a left handed starter

    but now that we’re world series champs, all i want for Christmas is my sink of dirty dishes cleaned.

    so i appreciate her, and what i hope are some inappropriate uniforms, coming over to take care of them.

    last night i drove around USC, and speaking of inappropriate, it was an Uber Pool, meaning you pick up someone and before you drop them off you pick up someone else.

    in the front seat was this frat boy surfer dude

    in the back were two chinese computer science majors.

    surfer bra goes what sort of weed do they have in china?

    guys in the back laugh and say they have never smoked pot.

    we’re heading to the off campus apartment complex called the Lorenzo.

    surfer goes, you live in the Lorenzo and youve never smoked pot?

    china guy says, only the Americans smoke that.

    i laugh. Americans.

    chinese guy says, isn’t that addictive?

    surfer says, havent you ever been addicted to a video game? like you cant stop thinking about it. your hands get sore playing? or what about a girl, have you ever been obsessed by some hot chick? both of those are way more addictive than weed.

    then the chinese guy goes our parents told us not to do it.

    surfer says, didnt your parents tell you not to wack off?

    everyone laughs.

    loudest of all: a muffled voice in the trunk.