nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 20, 2016

    do i love life? yes. 

    has it sunk in that the Cubs are the champions of the World? no.

    do i love my job? yes

    do i love my side hustle? yes.

    do i love my president? yes.

    do i love the lying fuck replacing him? no.

    do i hope he gets removed? no. because his closeted 2nd in command is even worse because he’s secret about his evil.

    have i seen a lot of great movies this year? no.

    have i kissed a lot of great girls this year? not a lot.

    have i had some good times this year? yeah duh. come on man.

    do i have a five year plan? yes. i plan to be alive in 5 years.

    is there a blogger im in love with? yes.

    do i still love my ex gfs? yes.

    is there enough room in my heart for all of that love? omg so much room.

    do i get enough sleep? no.

    is my apartment clean? no.

    are my cats happy? yes.

    will the cubs repeat? yes.

    will they threepeat? yes.

    who do i have losing Sunday for the Losers Pool? Arizona

    do i believe this story about the Maryland girl and the drug sniffing dogs? i believe everything.

    do i believe Trump will release his tax returns? yes.

    do i think anyone will care? yes.

    do i think anyone in power will care? no.

    do i think he will be a good president? i think he will be the worst.

    do i think he will grab anyone in the pussy when he’s in office? well now that he knows that thats where some ppl put their weed, probs.

    do i think Anything good will come from Trump being president? i think news organizations, newspapers, cable news programs, and magazines will make a yuge comeback because he will do so many outrageous, illegal, immoral, and unbelieveably bad things that we will need several scorecards to keep track of them all. and then he will be booted and Pence will do just as many evil tidings but it will take actual journalism to out them and they will be outted and people will care because Pence does not hold any spell over the American populace because even Joe Sixpack knows Mike Pence is full of shit and does not represent him. and then the newspapers will clean up in aisle gay. and then Cory Booker will rise and poof, before you know it we will have another black president and girls wont have to hide plants in their hoo haws any more and people will be able to pee in whichever bathrooms they want and the ozone will come back and gas prices will lower and we will all have electric cars anyways so there you have it amen.



  2. Monday, December 19, 2016

    looks like trump is gonna be our president 

    which means its curtains for all of us.

    last night i finished reading the Bible for the fourth time.

    revelations went faster than i expected.

    it’s a spectacular way to end a book thats for sure.

    but it doesnt really instill a lot of hope to the gentle reader.

    this weekend i saw two movies: Star Wars and Passengers.

    Star Wars was the best movie i have seen so far this year. Passengers was full of holes.

    like America is gonna be after four years of this imbecile and his GOP yes men who literally have no compassion for the world, the environment, womens rights, gay rights, minority rights, immigration, the poor, or any of the things Jesus told us to shepard over.

    on top of that we are all going to die in a terrible way.

    it’ll be worse than when baseball allowed the designated hitter

    or when AIDS was ignored by Reagan

    or when Bush read My Pet Goat after hearing about the Twin Towers

    im very sad and i dont even know if all the ginger ale and italian food in china could cheer me up.

    Star Wars did cheer me up though because it kept it real. it didnt pander.

    i will never pander to you. even now in these last days.

    i have always loved you and this is the way we should show it to each other.

  3. Sunday, December 18, 2016

    im trying to write a comic book 

    but i dont read comic books

    i really want it to be a little book for tourists and locals.

    i want it to be a series of little books

    $6.66 each


    but i want them to tell the dark history of LA and Hollywood and California and rock music and film

    and murduhhhhhhhhhh

    and attempted murder

    and i want them sold where the drama took place

    so lets say i write a little book about the murder of Biggie Smalls, i want the little books to be sold at the Peterson Auto Museum, who will never sell them, so how about at the 99 cents store kitty corner to where he breathed his last breath.

    i want them illustrated by my favorite illustrator of all time. someone who enjoys putting a smile on misery and tragedy and gunk.

    so that part is all easy. the hard part is writing it. but fortunately these will be Mostly True which means i get to fluff it up a bit and add some color to it which hopefully people will like but you know people, they like to complain, so let them complain, all it will do is make them bring more facts to the conversation, which is great, because thats what i want them to do. i want them to talk about history and what really caused someone to wanna kill someone in this beautiful city

    because i cant imagine that.

    even in the middle of the night, when a mouse was in my house and i was freaked out enough by that, and i was washing my dishes trying to make my apartment as mouse-unfriendly as possible, and i heard this knock at my door. and then a huge bang. and then the door get whaled on. i could see it trying to give. someone was trying to get into my place! NOW! BANG! BANG!

    even then, as scared as i was, if i had a gun i wouldnt have killed the guy.

    instead i just used my magical Shout power and i said NO!

    and it scared the guy and made him run away.

    which is why im fascinated by what it takes to get people to do more than that.

    because that level is foreign to me.

    and hopefully always will be.

  4. Friday, December 16, 2016
  5. im not like them, i cant pretend 

    it was raining, but it was surging so i said fuckit and drove after work

    we’re all gonna die anyways.

    got this rich businessman coming out of a beverly hills hotel.

    we were talking about this mixer he just came outta.

    i says, so you guys buy companies

    he goes, invest, buy, sell, real estate too.

    i go whats your game plan for weed?

    he says oh we’ve got a couple companies into it. big time.

    i go, ok heres my question. i heard these dispensaries cant put their money in the bank because its federally against the law and banks have to answer to the feds.

    he goes yeah.

    i go, ok you said you also do real estate. so if a dispensary has lets say $10 million, can they buy a damn mansion through you, rent it out for a little while, then flip it?

    he says no because even if you buy a house with cash, which you can do, the seller has to put that cash in a bank and youve gotta explain where you got anything over $10k.

    so i say so what do you do with the weed money from those companies you own

    he says we buy old cop cars and make them look as close to cop cars as possible and we use those to transport the cash to the safe house.

    then he tells me how much weed is selling for in pounds, then he converted it down to the gram.

    i asked are you a math wiz?

    he said, no, ive always been interested in weed.

    then he asks me, ask me how many grams are in a pound?

    i go, how many grams are in a pound.

    and he goes 453.6

    we approached a gate he said drive over to the box.

    we roll slowly, he rolls down his window, he punches in a code into the box

    the gate slides open, and we drive up

    and up

    and up.

  6. Thursday, December 15, 2016

    drove a guy from beverly hills to newport beach yesterday 

    we had our work company party yesterday at BOA steakhouse and when it was over they let us go home early which is always nice.

    but instead of going home i started Ubering and the first ping i got was on Uber Select and it was a mental health doctor who wanted to go to Newport Beach which was almost 2 hours away.

    it was gonna cost him about $175 and i would keep about $135 of it. thats the good news, the bad news was the traffic would be brutal and he didnt wanna talk that much. but when we did talk it was great.

    first thing i asked him was if he thought Kanye was crazy. he said he grew up with Texas hip hop and reeled off a half dozen names, said he saw the Watch the Throne concert at Yankee Stadium which was Kanye vs Jay Z. and he said yes Kanye was probably a little sick and could def use help. but he also said that massive creativity edges insanity.

    crazy people are just hyper sensitive to the things around them, the doc said. it was nice.

    i told him about a girlfriend i had who was probably bipolar and how much i loved her but there wasnt anything i could do about it. he said there isnt anything people can do. we can recommend things like diet and exercise but if they dont want therapy on their own, they’re not going to trust anyone.

    this doc was against meds. he thought meditation and hypnotherapy does wonders. he said theres a theory that 85% of our consciousness is subconscious and we can tap into it, but only if we can numb the conscious and the best way to do that is to hypnotize it, not in a magic trick way but in a temporary clinical way. he said he had done it and it was fantastic. he said so much of the unproductive things in the sub conscious are learned and can be unlearned and lead us to clarity.

    then he asked me what i did when i wasnt driving.

    i said i fight crime.

    he said, yeah but what do you do for fun?

    i said, social media for the academy. and we talked about targeted facebook ads.

    but then we got back to craziness. he said he has offices all over the country and he said ppl on the East Coast are waaaaay crazier than those on the West. i asked is that bc our weed is better out here? he said, a little!

    but he also said the weather can psychologically fake you out. he said imagine you live in Boston and 10% of the year you literally cannot get out and do things, after a while you’ll start believing that 10% of the things in your life are impossible to overcome.

    meanwhile in California theres never a day where you cant go out there and go for it. because of that people out here think theres nothing they cant do. and that positive outlook bleeds into other aspects of their lives.

    also he says families can make you crazy because its so ingrained. he said people back east who never move away from their families get rooted down and stymied. whereas if you are on the west coast away from your past you can reinvent yourself or — be your own kind of crazy, which is way healthier.

    he took my business card because he wanted to talk more about social media.

    and i was all, take two, i might be bipolar too :)

  7. Wednesday, December 14, 2016

    I went to the Obey Sample on Saturday and all I got was this great shirt 

    and that great shirt and that one and that one and a sweatshirts and sweaters and a free hat because i donated some toys for the kids.

    originally i tried to drive down there on Friday after work but when i was in Culver City i took a closer look at the Friends and Family invite I got from a long time busblog reader, THANKS G! and i saw that on Friday the pre-sale was over at 7pm. so i figured id wake up early in the morn and swoop

    didnt get to bed until late (dont ask) didnt wake up till 9. Got to Irvine around 10 and look at this giant line. (no pun intended). thank god i had that pass, they let me cut through and i was in.

    they give you a sticker that tells you when you gotta get the hell out and on the floor i saw that someone was there at 7am, and i assume that meant lots of people were there at 7am which made me feel good that the kids still know where the cool shit is and how to get it at discount prices.

    speaking of, you know i got that Waste Youth shirt. duh.

    they had some great designs but weirdly even at 10am sooooooo much was gone. lesson: take off on Friday so you can beat the 7am line.

    ladies, the women’s selections have grown over the years. this year they had tons of dresses. i may have gotten a shirt or two for a Christmas gift.

    because im old and fat i no longer get Mediums or even Larges. I bust for the top shelf XL. which sadly there werent tons of at 10am. but i got a few sweet ones that i’ll show you one day.

    almost got a bag but remembered im not in skool no more.

    they call flannels “wovens” now. they call windbreakers “Coaches Jackets” and man were the coaches jackets all the rage.

    there was a taco truck outside. a DJ inside. and rows and rows of your wardrobe just waiting to get boughten.

    hats too. scarves too. wallets too.

    the checkout line wasnt so bad because they were limiting the number of people in the warehouse. i only did $175 of damage. i had a spare friends and family invite so i gave it to this sweet mexican couple and i said this will let you cut the line and they lit up “really?!” and i said don’t thank me, thank Obama. and we did.

  8. Tuesday, December 13, 2016

    will i write about the Obey Sample Sale? yes. 

    will i write about my friends’ amazing Christmas Tree Trimming party?


    will i write about the hot selfies i get on my phone?


    will i write about how we are all doomed and the only way to fight it is to give in, to buy Russian jackets and war hats

    and start reading Tolstoy and the others.


    but what i really want to know is when did girls start getting all the cool clothes?

    we all started in the garden of eden with giant fig leaves to cover our naughty bits, how come the ladies ended up with all the cool fashions and we ended up with the same old?

    maybe we’d like pants that hug our curves and have faces of dead aliens on them

    maybe we want high heeled boots

    do you know how many women on Bumble are all omg im a CEO and im 5-11 whoops!

    maybe that wouldnt matter if dudes wore super awesome shoes with giant heels like KISS

    im listening to a country singer belt out a cover of “In Bloom” and im pretty sure this is the music that will be playing after i die

    and my soul floats up to Heaven where it will be judged and St. Peter will be all


    it’s only bad news if they call you by your slave name.

    which reminds me im thinking about changing my cell phone number because i get telemarketers at least once a day.

    robocalls really. not even people. who start off with Anthony, would you like to refinance your credit cards?

    never do they say Anthony would you like a clean bong? would you like a 6 foot blonde to wash yr dishes?

    would you like to find out if you would save shit tons of money by cutting the cord

    or growing your own sativa

    or cooking your own rice

    or only drinking water

    or never having fun

    or joining the army

    or starting a church

    or failing

    or falling

    or drowning

    and stopping?

  9. since we’re gonna die i was laying in my bed wondering if ive done it all 

    did i visit all the lands i should see?

    did i kiss all the girls i ever wanted?

    did i eat all the tacos i shoulda?

    have i read all the worthy online comments?

    have i pet my cats enough?

    have i done enough crossfit?

    it’s a little weird that the Cubs won the world series right before it all ends.

    it’s a little strange that i have

    wait, i haven’t.

    oh shit.




    it’s sorta too bad we’re all gonna die.

    but when we die we go to heaven.

    and there are no electoral colleges up there.

    which is nice.

  10. Monday, December 12, 2016

    picked up a ballerina in south central, dont ask 

    i was trying to drive over at USC but i got caught up at this Church’s Chicken drive thru.

    the squawk box was broke so everyone had to wait in line and order at the window – in your car – it was a mess

    and the weird thing about having your Uber Select radar on in the hood is you might be the closest person to a

    smokin hot, super skinny, probably on coke, wild-minded, sex-on-the-brain new yorker

    who is going on a blind date in Beverly Hills.

    David? I asked whe she got in.

    David is the gentleman who did the right thing and ordered this car, I’m Carla.

    within minutes we were talking about sex, models, not eating at fancy restaurants, anorexia, bulimia,

    and threesomes.

    “im the star of the show, honey, it’s all about me.” she laughed.

    and it was.

    some drives i have to lead the conversation. sometimes i have to pry.

    with Carla i found myself going backwards

    now wait, you just said XYZ, lets delve into that more.

    she laughed a lot. so much energy. she asked for a water. people never do that. of course i had it.

    when i dropped her off she walked a few steps in front of my car, incredibly tight jeans.

    turned around and winked.

    and i was all, David, i hope to hell you’re ready.