today Ben got married

today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

Love love love love love
All you need is love
Love is a battlefield
Love is an elevator
There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
And magic happens.  Love!
And changes everything.
You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
Your burritos taste guacamolier.
Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
Fuck yeah.
We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
and in a way that’s whats happening here.
Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
true story
He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
But he continued his love of music.
The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
He continued:
Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
“Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
“I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.

a timeline of Donald Trump lying about releases his taxes

the president of the United States, Donald Trump is a big fat liar. Especially when it comes to releasing his taxes.

Here’s how it went down:

MSNBC – 2014

“If I decide to run for office I’ll produce my tax returns. Absolutely,” he said.

Meet The Press 1/24/16

“We’re working on that now. I have big returns, as you know, and I have everything all approved and very beautiful and we’ll be working that over in the next period of time,” he says, using words that no one would ever be able to pin him to.

“This is not, like, a normal tax return,” he, like, brags, but then admits something most politicians should be shameful about. “I try to pay as little tax as possible because I hate what they do with my tax money.”

GOP Debate, Houston 2/25/16

“As far as my return, I want to file it, except for many years, I’ve been audited every year,” Trump says. “Twelve years or something like that. Every year, they audit me, audit me, audit me… I will absolutely give my return, but I’m being audited now for two or three [years’ worth] now so I can’t.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen calls bullshit 2/26/16

“From our standpoint, if you’re being audited, and you want to do something else, share that information with your returns, you can do that,” Koskinen says, adding that if you are being audited for multiple years at a time, something is truly fishy with your taxes.

Trump says they probably won’t be revealed before the election 5/11/16

“There’s nothing to learn from them,” Trump told the AP. He also said he doesn’t believe voters are interested.

“Now, I hope [the audit] gets finished soon. And if it gets finished soon, I put it out immediately because there’s nothing there. But until you get finished, you won’t,” he said.

Good Morning America 5/13/16

George Stephanapaosdpfpiopilous asks him what his tax rate is.

“It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release. But I fight very hard to pay as little tax as possible,” Trump said.

“I don’t think [the people care], but I do say this: I will really gladly give them. They’re not going to learn anything, but it’s under routine audit,” Trump said. “You learn very little from tax returns.”

“I’ll tell you right now: I do not. I don’t have Swiss bank accounts, I don’t have offshore, I have a very, very clean company,” Trump said, which of course means he has several Swiss bank accounts, offshore, and a very dirty company. We know this because he has a serious problem being a dirty liar. Especially about his taxes.

Presidential Debate 9/26/16

Trump says he will release his taxes if Hillary releases the emails she deleted.

ABC This Week today/2017

His senior advisor, who earlier in the day defended lying, told the talk show, “the White House response is that he’s not going to release his tax returns,” Kellyanne Conway said.

“We litigated this all through the election. People didn’t care,” she said. “They voted for him, and let me make this very clear: Most Americans are very focused on what their tax returns will look like while President Trump is in office, not what his look like.”

Oh really, Kellyanne? Currently there is a petition with over 100,000 signatures of Americans who think he should release his taxes. Not since 1972 has a presidential candidate refused to reveal his taxes.