the nice thing about the GOP totally melting down

is this is what happens when you put all of your eggs into

old white dude billionaires

lack of experience

fucking liars


greedy whining dipshits

and people who lie about omg loving the bible so much

who btw hate the troops, the elderly, the sick, the poor, minorities, women, the handicapable, and people on healthcare

the side effects are they are sexist racist homophobes who have massive ties to our enemies and lie about it constantly


the nice thing about it is tv ratings for news channels are up, newspaper subscriptions are coming back, and

young people everywhere are seeing first hand that the GOP doesn’t give one fig about anyone other than the very rich, white, anglo saxons

who enjoy staying that way.

how so many of Congress can sign up for a healthcare bill that would drop over 20 million americans from being covered is shocking to me

especially those who consider themselves Christian.

what is Christian about telling a couple that if they want a baby, they need to pay the hospital $45,000?

what is Christian about taking away Meals on Wheels?

what is Christian about doing all of this simply because you have some bizarre political grudge against the previous president who heroically took this nation from the precipice of disaster and saved the auto industry, brought recovery to the economy, and gave millions of people the hope that he promised?

the best part of all of this is young people are seeing exactly the worst side of a party who never had the average american in its thoughts and prayers.

people should be allowed to do what they want in this life

they should be able to love who they want

wear what they want

work where they want

live what they want.

people should be able to say whatever the fuck they want.

film what they want

rock out they way they want

and get paid off by whoever they want.

if people want to talk behind peoples back, they should be allowed to.

if people want to paint their house pink, they should be allowed to.

if they wanna drive 55, it should be ok

if they wanna drive 155, people should get outta the way.

if they wanna play the lottery

or fantasy baseball

or satanic verses

or nursery rhymes, everyone should say fuck yeah nursery rhymes.

people should not be able to use leaf blowers before noon.

garbage trucks should not be a thing until 11:30am

all bars should be open 24 hours a day

and banks, especially if they insist on being on every corner, should be forced to stay open until 10pm

and you should be allowed to do DMV activity in there

and also pay your rent

and your cable bill.

there should be free condoms everywhere.

there should be a pinball machine in every 7-11

kids should learn about sex and cooking and auto repair

starting in kindergarten

if a cop is found guilty of breaking the law,

they should get double the penalty as a non cop.

and if a cat is caught pooping inches away from the kitty litter box

instead of inside of it,

it should be set free to roam the streets of hollywood

since it wants to just poop wherever.

cats should be allowed to poop wherever

just not in my bachelor pad

of love.

and finally,

if someone wants me to like them back,

like like-like them back,

it is extremely easy:

trust me times a million

never lie to me

always do exactly what i say

never doubt me

and never cancel on me.

good things will happen.

i am not like your stupid dumbass lying ass boyfriends of years gone by.

i am the busblog.

but tony i love you

some people actually do love me and thats sweet.

it’s hard to believe because i dont see the same person that they see

to me im still a teenager with a big floppy afro so massive it’s hard to fit a cubs hat over

im driving around in my grandmas cadillac, windows rolled down, exploring LA for the first time.

wrong about so many things. but trying to learn.

even though im so far removed from that, thats how i feel every day and when i see pictures of myself im like who’s grampa is that?

some things you have control over, some you dont have any.

so when pretty girls, who you tried week after week after week to have come over to your crib, say they love you, you think to yourself, then why did you make me jump through every hoop there was just to see you for an hour? if you loved me why did you make it so hard? if you loved me, why did everyone else in your life have no problem hanging with you, but for me it was pretty close to impossible?

the good thing about being as old as dirt is you have actual, real life experience to tap in to. and the best part about being someone who has never been married, is some of that experience revolves around dating.

and you might know a few things about love.

when i love someone there are no excuses. i will do everything. there are no obstacles. there are only paths. when i love someone there are no questions, instead a million answers. a variety of solutions. money is not an object, nor is time.

but when i want to avoid something, there are excuses on excuses on excuses.

and often there are lies.

these are the things teenage tony had to learn first hand, the hard way, over years.

and what old man busblog can write down in seconds.

dear tony, would you ever move to NYC

i feel like everyone should live in either NYC, Chicago, SF, or LA.

of those i feel so lucky to have spent so much time in LA.

it’s been incredible to watch it change over the last 30 years.

id consider moving there if i was making hella money.

my rent here is right where it should be.

the only trick to renting is to get in low and stay there. hunker down.

i got so lucky. so many friends. so much love from Above.

it would take something very special for me to leave this good thing.

i suppose i could find myself in another good thing, real estate wise.

i suppose i could find a big bag of weed in the gutter.

i suppose a super hot girl out of nowhere could tell me on the phone that she thinks im so good looking

i suppose i could get a dream job.

all of these things have happened before.

why would they ever stop happening

unless i stopped believing.

so yes i could move to the top

of the best building of all

in nyc if i wanted

but do i wanna

is a better


dear tony, crazy question for you

let’s say you and i are getting it on.

it’s casual. sexy texts during the week. i send you a flood of nudes.

some amazingly not safe for work.

then i come over. i try on some outfits for you.

one thing leads to another and we part ways with beautiful smiles and la la la

whats the quickest way for me to end it all

and for you to hate me forever?


runway model

+ + +

dear runway model,

this couldn’t be an easier question for me.

arrange for a meet up on tuesday

reschedule it on tuesday for saturday

and on saturday, just hours before the rendezvous,

cancel it.

trust me, you’ll never hear from me again.

way down in louisiana down in new orleans

drove a fancy dj girl around a little today

she told me she had gotten food poisoning from Cafe Gratitude

probably because they dont cook anything over there.

she asked, what are you playing?

i said, its the day after St. Paddys so i figured something chill

incase you had a hangover

she asked what is it what is it?

i said Wes Montgomery from his Blue Note era.

she said i love Wes Montgomery

so i turned it up a little.

pretty girl said if i wrote a screen play she would become my fiancee

and another one said in 10 years she wants to have busblog babies.

im a man with unusually low self esteem so i have no idea why these beautiful women would even want to talk to me let alone blah blah blah

today is st pattys day, jeanine and i’s anniversary

a million years ago i seduced her in sacramento, san francisco, santa barbara and then mexico during spring break

im glad we didnt have digital photography back then cuz lord knows what pictures i would have taken of that magical road trip.

sometimes the memories are better.

today i woke up early. the cats like to sleep with me, then wrestle on the new rug, then jump on the bed and get me to cuddle with them.

they mean no harm.

the boy though is getting a little rough on the girl. he likes to bite her and gnaw on her neck. she just sits there and takes it.

maybe she likes it?

they do this early when im watching CBS This Morning and im like hey no domestic abuse! they claim they dont know english but you cant bullshit a bullshitter.

i throw a sock at them and they scatter.

after i shit showered and shaved i went over to the House of Pies and got two pies for my coworkers: a Dutch Apple and a Key Lime because it was green.

they didnt seem to enjoy the Key Lime as much as the apple.

tonight after work im gonna drive all night for St. Paddys but not too late, i dont want anyone puking green in my benzo.

got into a little tiff with an NPR reporter

he said something stupid like

“public radio would never do to you what cable news just did to you”

referring to Rachel Maddow’s hour the other day where she talked about the two pages from Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns

which didnt turn out to be the Finishing Move that many hoped theyd be.

i replied back, “when was the last time NPR had a scoop?”

he provided a link from a piece from 2015 where they won some silly award for OMG exposing the VA for not following up correctly on WWII soldiers who had been exposed to some chemical as part of a government experiment or some nonsense.

i was all, really, the VA dropped the ball (again), all the kings horses and all the kings latte sipping men of NPR and thats all a guy with 50k twitter followers from NPR can say was the best scoop theyve had in the last few years

that the VA has let down 80 year olds?

to which he said LOL scoops arent everything!

in news, yes they are.

because in news a scoop means you actually know your surroundings, you know whats going to happen next, and you have established yourself in the terrain in such a way that your sources TRUST you enough to tell you and your audience what the hell is happening that NO ONE ELSE knows yet.

my problem with NPR is they’re gutless and reactionary. anyone, once again ANYONE, can put together guests who can chit chat about something After it happens.

if you seriously consider yourself a journalist and if you truly believe that your organization is a news gathering operation, how come every other outlet from fucking TMZ to Deadspin to Gawker (RIP) to the NYT and the WaPo can deliver actually new news but you can’t?

are you even trying? are you even capable? or are you terrified you might be wrong?

we have a limited amounts of heartbeats on this twisted crust and you’re gonna sit back and let someone else do the work?

NPR, please

and when i tweeted, this is why i dont give NPR any money he liked it as if he was being cute but

laziness is never cute.

neither is pissing away great opportunity.

pretty girl canceled on me yesterday


how is that possible?

and this isnt her first time either.

i know ive gained weight, lost some hair, let myself go a little.

but deep down im still capable of magic.

or at least illusions.

later in the night she was texting me and she dropped in a little joke.

she sent me a picture of an old man and said she had had sex with him that afternoon.

now i am a man with a vivid imagination and even though nothing in Here is true,

one thing ive learned from Real Life is anythings possible.

so i believed her.

and i texted “tell me more”

time passed and she did not tell me more, it just hung there like a wedding day fart

just lofting over the congregation.

wafting, hovering, weirdly getting larger and danker and more eerie.

it became so large it grew hair on its chin and knuckles

it bought a top hat and gloves, someone put a petunia in its lapel

its fingernails grew and yellowed and curled.

it became so large a representative from Jenny Craig left a leaflet on its door.

and then she admitted that she was just kidding


and i said, baby fine as you are you can do whatever you want with your body

just be careful what you do on days when you cancel on me

because that will disturb my disposition.

she apologized, sent nudes, and assured me of my place in her world.

still not sure if that old guy got any

but for today, we’ll trust in the universe