nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, April 29, 2017

    25 years ago i was selling tvs at the Sears in Santa Barbara 

    and on one of the 50″ projection screen i watched a looter coming out of an electronics store on sunset in hollywood, it is now a Ross Dress For Less, and he was wheeling out i’d say a 46″ projection screen, down sunset and then down La Brea.

    people were looting because of the verdict of the Rodney King beating

    i had a customer who said, maybe i should just drive down to LA and save $3,000.

    his son, who was dicking around in the nearby camcorder area sarcastically yelled out


    i was in Santa Barbara because i was in love with Jeanine and did not move to Prague with the rest of my friends who were starting the first english language newspaper there, Prognosis. which is probably just as well because if i had moved there, i would wager i would have met a beautiful Czech girl and i would still be there with our large family.

    and the internet would have never have had almost 16 years of the world famous busblog

    i know: joy.

    xbi sent me to south central the other night

    they were all, tell me what you see.

    i said i see a park with sprinklers going, a motorhome parked in front of a nice house

    theres palm trees, stars,  a park bench

    they said, but is there a black out? do any of the houses have lights on?

    i said, oh, no. i mean yes. yes theres a black out here.

    and then i heard,


    it was so windy i literally saw tumbleweeds from The Past

    that were blown into the Present due to the freak climate change.

    what i remember about the riots was that it felt like what happens when you really have to barf.

    something happens, you feel gross, and then everything comes out

    even the bile.

    especially the bile.

    and then you look at it.

    and clean it up.

    and you feel better.

    i can’t speak for all black people, but this black person felt better during and after the riots.

    during because the message was being delivered in a powerful way.

    after because the message was heard and shit quickly got in action.

    did the individual parts make any sense when viewed in a vacuum?

    burning your own neighborhood

    stealing things you really dont need

    rolling those things down a city sidewalk and thus throwing the light bulbs out of wack, ruining the tv

    assaulting innocent white folk in a disgusting and shameful way?


    but that was the bile.

    the filth at the bottom.

    in the very first viral video we saw a man surrounded by people with guns and tasers and sticks

    and we saw that man ruthlessly pummel a black man in a disgusting and shameful way.

    the evidence was right there for all to see.

    clear as numbers on a scoreboard.

    and the verdict seemed like fiction.

    a terrible dream.

    even when things are painfully obvious that you should win, black people, you will lose.

    and the people said

    not today.

    today, we all lose.

  2. Friday, April 28, 2017

    right before he snapped this picture 

    this dude told sam jackson

    hey, pose how you really feel about this right now.

    last night i had to hit the number so i went out to usc to get it done

    because creativity is so subjective, it’s nice to have a few elements in life that are

    all scoreboard.

    so on certain things, like number of trips in three days,

    it’s irresistible to have some goals out there.

    the goal was 35 in 3 days, which is easy if youre a full time driver

    and not so easy if you have a real job and you wanna do it in, say, 10 hours.

    went over there on wednesday night, did 22 rides, so i had to do 13 yesterday, nbd, right? but the word has gotten out with uber drivers that if you’re not doing so well, head over to sc on the last day of the bonus and finish the job

    so there were waaaay more drivers than kids so after two hours i was not even close to finishing.

    and it was windy, and it was weird.

    the devil santa ana winds whippin dirt and dust and giant hardened palm fronds itching to scratch a nice car that has no business being there in south central

    playing a fools game.

    so i thought like a fool, and drove the other way.

    it’s true i dont do things like everyone

    but very few have the numbers i have.

    last night i did my 4,000th lifetime trip to hit the goal.

    4.98 driver rating

    and i think about that .02


    with that same exact

    sam jackson face.

  3. Wednesday, April 26, 2017

    jonathan demme died today 

    He had an incredible career as a director.

    Was the last director to win a Best Picture Oscar for helming a horror movie (The Silence of the Lambs)

    Directed Tom Hanks to his last Best Actor Oscar (Philadelphia)

    Directed Melanie Griffith in her best role (Something Wild)

    Directed the impossible – a lecture – to great results (Swimming to Cambodia)

    And directed the greatest concert movie of all time, The Talking Heads’ Stop Making Sense

    We are lucky he walked this Earth and chose to make movies about fascinating people

  4. am i cursed with pride 


    when you know you’re right, what do you do

    of course you stand up for yourself

    of course you don’t just roll over

    for those who lack courage





    of course you fight fight fight.

    imagine if david byrne said i have a dream

    and jonathan demme said, but that sounds like a nightmare

    would byrne have said oh, lets appease all of your darkest fears

    instead of reach for the highest star

    if he had his name wouldnt have been david byrne

    it would have been phil collins.

    be david byrne.

    and if you can’t,

    be jonathan demme and make dreams come true.

  5. Tuesday, April 25, 2017
  6. drove the nicest lady from beverly hills to hollywood blvd 

    it gives me hope when i meet the good people.

    and i meet them every livelong day.

    hope that heaven is possible, hope that peace and love are possible

    hope that some of us wont get fooled again by a charlatan who promises great walls and jobs jobs jobs and blah da di blah.

    we were able to talk about music and movies and tv and ratings

    and getting talent young and letting it go to greener pastures

    and growing old and LA vs NY and all the things youd wanna talk about in a 24 minute ride in rush hour.

    sometimes its a little sad when the ride is over and you wanna hug them

    or exchange phone numbers

    or be BFFs forever

    but instead you rate them the five stars, turn on the app again and see what there is to see.

    i might be too emotional for all of this.

    but it does pay the bills.

  7. Monday, April 24, 2017

    good news and bad news for amber 

    as some of you may know, amber, pictured right, was going to crash at my pad for six months after she leaves her current residence.

    amber, of course, the sweet angel who helped jeanine get sober.

    and who was my girlfriend a few years ago.

    last night my landlord called me and asked if jeanine was still living in my apartment because if she was she would have to raise my rent to “market rate”.

    i said jeanine was living in vegas.

    she said, that’s not what she was being told. apparently some of jeanines tax forms somehow got back to her. maybe because jeanine was delayed in changing her address with the post office. or maybe it was nosy neighbors. who knows.

    anyways, no way can i pay market rate on this apartment, no matter how nice it would be to have a long legged blonde cook, clean, and parade around in revealing outfits.

    but the good news for amber is there is a man in her life who she can move in with who she loves who lives near her job, who has his own pad.

    this weekend amber was in coachella with her man and she miraculously got front row to see her favorite star Lady Gaga. she slept in a tent. she performed yoga. she met new friends. she spread sunshine everywhere.

    will she be heartbroken that she wont see my smiling face every morning for half a year? probably. i mean, im such a prize. but something tells me she will actually make her way down a better path.

  8. Sunday, April 23, 2017

    matt and i went to the angels game 

    the junior circuit, whatever, i know i know

    but matt has lived on the east coast since ’07, which if you recall motivated me to write to the Times which lead to that great opportunity

    he’s also an Angels encyclopedia which is helpful because the AL is my blindspot

    i mean it’s soooooorta baseball

    it’s baseball enough.

    lucked out and they were playing the Blue Jays so there were lots of Canadians in the house and families originally from Buffalo who now live in Oakland

    and for some reason they decided to fly to Long Beach because Jet Blue had an amazing deal

    so why not see the Jays take on the Angels?

    i was all Buffalo? one morning i woke up in a toronto hotel with a canadian girl on new years day and i turned on the tv and they were playing hockey in a football stadium in buffalo

    the winter classic, he told me.

    yes! and the snow was coming down in thick flakes all over the ice, but it didnt matter because hockey players are the baddest asses in town. SNOW?

    and then he riffed off three-four stats about that game.

    so on the left, matt was predicting the future on the field (double play, right here)

    and buffalo on the right was filling in the blanks of my past

    on my lap was a thick grilled hot dog surrounded by french fries with shredded short rib on top a healthy scoop of guacamole on top of that, and because why not, an ice cream scoop of sour cream.

    and i was working on a beer.

    it was baseball enough, all right.

  9. Friday, April 21, 2017

    life isnt a farm 

    and it’s not even ours.

    we are lucky to be here for the split second we’re here.

    and what are we gonna do, whine? not me. fuck whining.

    i’m here to make things.

    and tell you stories. for example today i drove a fancy stylist from beverly hills to hollywood and then to the airport. he wanted to take a picture of the hollywood sign for his friend.

    but he also had to go to the airport all within two hours.

    that seems simple enough, but it was rush hour and he actually wanted to get very close to the hollywood sign. and did i mention the airport.

    yesterday it took me 20 minutes just to get from the in n out three blocks from LAX to arrivals, i mean departures, thats the ticket. so i was all, dude, i am SO DOWN for challenges. but i really dont want you to miss your flight, so we tried to see how close we could get before getting on the freeway.

    we got to hollywood and highland and he said, nah the shot isnt good enough. so i said ok, im sorry. he said, fine. but then i said, wait, the Netflix HQ has a great view of it and its off the Sunset exit of the 101, which is kinda on the way.

    and i drove there and i said turn around and he was all, yes! and click

    and back on the road and he told me all his secrets and all the dirt on all the people

    which was mostly that they are all pretty cool people if you give them some space

    and all the dirt on west coast vs east coast fashion

    and because it was lyft and not uber i made over $100 and i betcha he tipped me

    speaking of, i emailed uber and said, pay me the $80 you owe me and i promise never to drive UberSC again and you will never have to hear me whine

    not holding my breath for them to do the right thing, but whatever.

    tomorrow im gonna read this screenwriting book all day like college.

    my life needs to change drastically.

    we are here to make magic

    not pout.