today is my niece kyla’s birthday, she’s 15

dear kyla,

happy birthday. i wish i knew how old you were when i took this picture of you but whatever.

15? how are you 15! i wonder what life is for a teenage girl today.

television and movies try to show us but that’s all lies.

at least that’s what my witty butler tells me when he’s not fighting crime.

here’s my birthday gift. im gonna give you the best advice of your life.

be good.

when people are good they stay under the radar.

why do you wanna be under the radar?

because youre gonna wanna do some things now and then that not everyone would want you to do.

life is the struggle between doing the things the world wants you to do

and the things that you wanna do.

all while dealing with the parts of your days that suck.

anyone can handle the easy, fun parts. but a human being is someone who can deal with the crud.

so study. do what you’re told. be good to your brother.

before you know it you’ll be out of the house on your own and you can do what you wanna do.

but theres the catch. in the outside world

even if you’re tony freaking pierce

people are gonna try to stop you from doing what you wanna do.

which is why you’ll be glad you have all that practice of being good.

because in the outside world if youve been good

the Others will leave you alone.

what i would do if i was you is figure out how you can get a college scholarship.

college costs more than all of the cars ive ever owned in my life

current car included.

use the internet.

figure out how you can go to college for free.

and get as many degrees as you can for free.

stay positive. read the bible. listen to the beastie boys

and if you drink, dont drive.

happy birthday!

your uncle tony

I have cut the cord

My life is now complete.

went into the store during my lunch.

dude said forget what they told you on the phone, if you dont want anything but internet, i will get you just internet.

bing bang boom, im a free man.

i feel like I just took a $250 dump.